update
yeah so first response says i'm not pregnant, but i still haven't started my period yet. although i am starting to cramp and i just woke up and cried for a stupid reason and i am snapping at people so hopefully i'll start bleeding any day. and i'm not going to write any more than that because it would get out of control. the only good stuff i
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Having had the experience for four years, let me give you a few well-meant suggestions.
- If you're scheduled to work service and your boss is out of earshot, don't be too good to your customers. This totally defies common sense, but i've had time enough to conduct my field experiment, and trust me, i did it right. Your tip doesn't rise with how forthcoming you are. Instead, the chart of tip size in relation to your nicety level follows a general gaussian distribution, whereas the mode of the chart is generally at probably 33% of the maximum assumed nicety.
(i.e. bad example : "Why, good morning, sir! Awsomely nice day today, is it not? Would you be interested in some form of beverage? Very well, sir. Ah, if i may be so bold, would you allow me to introduce our newest product to you..." vs. good example "'Sup mate. Something to drink? Right. So, what'll it be?" [the addition of "make haste, it's a busy day!" has, fascinatingly, little to no effect on your tip. Go figure.]
- If your boss sends you to the basement to retrieve [dough / toppings / beer / plutonium] make sure to subtly and quickly a.) evaluate the situation b.) evaluate the general direction of your assumed appetite on the following day and c.) evaluate the "best before" label on the food of choice. Never again in your life will you have the chance to lay your hands on industrial-grade grated cheese or frozen chargrilled chicken breast bits that you can eat out of the bag, in a sauce, a gratin or on a pizza, in your own comfy abode.
- Should your "I'm a bitch! Tip me!" tactic for some reason fail, or a customer prove to be a major asshole himself, make sure to make a mental image of the customer in question with the mental digicam that normally comes to you within a month of being a pizza employee. Since, unfortunately, you're a woman, i cannot tell you the secret traditional ingredient for the asshole-customer-sour-cream-dip, but you're free to get creative. If your poison of choice should be somewhat aromatic itself, i suggest putting it into the barbecue dip you're going to give him as a special treat to make up for whyever the customer has chosen to be an asshole. My major success so far has been a quarter bottle of tabasco in the hot sauce ("Hey! I ordered a portion of your hot sauce along with my pizza! I like it hot, dude, so where's my sauce! I want my goddamn money back!" - "Well sir, i'm sorry, but i'm not authorized to give any refunds [author's note : i was.]. Let me make it up to you by getting back to you in five minutes with two portions of hot sauce and a special treat.") While this may sound lame, it does miracles to a customer's attitude. The hot guy from above called a few days later to repeat his order. When i tried to give him another (untampered with) hot sauce thingy upon delivery, he very kindly told me that he wasn't in the mood for hot stuff today, and wouldn't accept it even as a gift "for when you are in the mood again". Suffice to say, the tip was enormous.
If there's anything you'd like to ask me, you know where to find me.
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