Not The World's Greatest Babysitters Commentary Part Two

[yubsie]

Access denied, General Sillyface.

The red words on the screen taunted Wedge over and over again. He'd tried every military override he knew, and none of them had allowed him to recall orders Anakin had issued in his name. "Override these orders, code Gamorrean Bantha Corellia Omega!"

Tycho turned his attention from his quest for Anakin. "That's not even a real password, Wedge."

Wedge banged his head against the console. "I know! But nothing else has worked!"

And if I find I'm in a bind, I'm totally screwed but never mind, I'll pull something out of my behind and just make some shit up! Well, it works on Star Trek!

"Did you try code Kettch Nine Yellow?"

"Wes's prank code? Yes, I've even tried that!" Wedge looked down at the console and realized that he was too late. The words scrolling across informed him the Nova Squadron had just begun Phase One of Operation Fey'lya's a Big Meanie. "What did Fey'lya ever do to you Anakin?"

There was an indistinct whimper. "He yelled at me at a banquet!"

"And had the nerve to die in the same book as me!"

"And how did that make you feel?" Maybe he could coax the child out by discovering what was really troubling him.

Yeah, that's all anyone needs in the GFFA, some therapy!

"Mad!"

Wedge could almost locate the voice now.

"So why are you dropping confetti on his home world?" Tycho asked.

Why NOT?

"Confetti's fun. He needs to learn to be nicer." The voice seemed to be coming from a different part of the room now.

"Come on out, kiddo."

Anakin let out a high-pitched growl. "You don't get it! You have to find me! That's how the game works!"

Oops, somebody needs a nap!

Wedge nodded to Tycho. The voice was definitely coming from the far corner now. The two searchers fell silent, hoping that they wouldn't alert Anakin to the fact that they were on to him. He was actually visible now, crouched behind an unused terminal.

Wedge reached down to grab the boy. "Gotcha!"

Anakin squealed, "Not so fast!"

With that, he ran under Wedge's arms and knocked him and Tycho onto the floor. Wedge tried to pick himself up to pursue the boy, but found himself simply staring as Anakin's small feet beat a rapid retreat.

... that rhymed.

"Omega Signal," he murmured.

Wes surveyed the kitchen. "So Hobbie, what do we need to make cookies?"

Hobbie grabbed a canister out of the cupboard. "I think that this one is gluten powder."

So, umm, the TF.N archive made me call a bunch of ingredients by fakey science fiction terms instead of perfectly respectable words like "flour".

"We need sweetener!" Jaina scampered up onto the counter to reach the cabinets. "Lots of sweetener!" She tossed the container down in Wes's direction. He reached up to catch it, but realized that he wasn't going to be able to make the grab.

At least with this one I can pretend that it's some sort of fake sugar. Though sugars, as a class of molecules, should be legit ANYWAY. :p

This obviously occurred to Jaina as well, since the canister halted in midair. Unfortunately, the lid continued its progress, spraying powdered sweetener all through Wes's hair.

Hobbie chuckled. "Nice makeover."

Rouge Squadron wasn't available to help. :p

"Very funny." Wes wiped his eyes clear of the white powder. "Is there any more sweetener?"

Jaina stood on her toes and leaned against one of the shelves. "Yes."

Hobbie stepped closer to the little girl. "You just hand that to me, okay? Don't throw it at Wes."

"Aww, but throwing things at him is fun," Jaina complained.

A sentiment we all feel on occasion.

"I know, but if you pour all our ingredients on his head we won't be able to make the cookies."

A thoughtful expression came into Jaina's brown eyes. "Well, okay, I guess."

At least I didn't compare them to brandy. :p

Wes pulled open a drawer. "I wonder where the chocolate is kept."

"Isn't it against Starfighter Command regulations to let you have chocolate?" Hobbie inquired.

Wes triumphantly retrieved his prize. "No more against regulations than anything else that we do."

"In other words, yes. Okay, we need eggs."

Yes.
There was a refrigeration unit against the far wall. Rogue Squadron's elite status entitled them to luxuries such as actual eggs.

"Hey, I wonder if I can juggle!" Wes tossed several eggs into the air and attempted to catch them. Jaina and Hobbie both dove for the floor as the projectiles flew at the four walls of the room. "I guess not."

Okay, that was a little random, even for WES. :p

After the onslaught ended, Hobbie rose to his feet and began combining the various ingredients in a large bowl. "I hope that was gluten powder. Wes, are there any eggs left intact?"

"Umm, yeah." Wes tossed one of the eggs with astounding accuracy into the mixing bowl.

Putting his sharp shooter skills to good use. :p

Hobbie pulled little bits of shell out of the batter. "Good enough. There's not quite enough sweetener."

"There's a bag up here," Wes offered. The contents didn't look as powdery as the other container, but it was still sweetener.

Suuuuuuuuuuure it is.

"Okay, we need sodium bicarb. It should be around here somewhere."

Won't let me use normal terms? FINE! I'll use the chemical names!

Jaina crawled into one of the lower cupboards and emerged with a canister that to Wes's eyes seemed like every other container they had used so far.

"Hmm, a little too much vaanillin," Hobbie mused. "Oh well, it can't hurt."

*cringe* I'M SO SORRY! THE ARCHIVE MADE ME DO IT! Apparently chocolate is legit but not vanilla.

Wes made his own contribution to the mixture. "We'll just balance it out with more chocolate."

"I think that's everything. That's the mixer over there, right?"

"Shouldn't there by a splatter guard on it?" Jaina asked.

Wes laughed. "Shields are for ships, silly."

"Winter's has a splatter guard."

"Well this one doesn't." Hobbie placed the bowl under the device and turned it on. The beaters whirred rapidly in circles, sending cookie dough off in all directions to join the eggs. Of the three people in the room, only Jaina, standing below the spatter line, remained clean.

This used to happen with the McFlurry mixer. :p

"Well, time to put them on the pan," Wes said, reaching for the bowl. He attempted to sneak some of it into his mouth, but was stopped by a disapproving glare from Jaina.

"Not until it's cooked!"

Wes sulked as Jaina and Hobbie prepared the cookies to go in the oven. He set the temperature to what seemed appropriate for their food. "I get to eat them once they're cooked, right?"

"Yes, Wes," Jaina affirmed.

Which one of them is five, again?

Hobbie added, "It'll only be ten minutes."

"But ten minutes is like forever!"

"Are we there yet?" Jacen asked.

Jacen is taking a break from being PURE EVIL to be five years old.

"No, this is just another hallway."

"When are we going to get there?"

Corran rubbed his temples. Was this what he had to look forward to when Valin grew up? "Later."

More of this, less of the evil.

Jacen waited two seconds as they walked. "It's later. Are we there yet?"

He was going to space tape that child's mouth shut. "Look, there's the hall now."

"So we're there then?"

Corran reached over Jacen's head to knock on the door. "We're here."

"Scabrous pirates!" A voice called from inside.

"Bleeding pirates to you!" Jacen responded.

Garik "Face" Loran opened the door. "Corran, how does that kid know the countersign? You don't even know the countersign!"

Corran's in TROUBLE!

Corran sighed. "He probably pulled it out of your memories. He has an annoying tendency of doing that."

Also, he can kill you with his brain.

Jacen merely stared up at Face, making his brown eyes as wide as possible.

Face mussed the boy's hair. "That's alright. It's just so I know that it's not any annoying former fans. Who is this? I was under the impression that your son was quite a bit younger than this."

"I'm Jacen Solo."

"Solo, eh? I served under your father once." An evil glint came into the Wraith's eyes.

"Boy do I have stories I could tell you."

Why is that a new line? Face is still the one talking!

Corran held up a hand to cut Face off. "Let's not corrupt the child any worse than he already is."

Dude, he's PURE EVIL, how much more corrupt can he GET?

"So, you're a little troublemaker?"

Jacen shook his head. "Never! Corran's just no fun at all."

"I'm a BIG troublemaker."

Face pretended to faint. "Oh horror! Corran, how could you do that to such an innocent child! Look at him, and tell me that cuteness should not be preserved."

Cute. Right. "We actually came hoping that you would show Jacen your pets."

"The Storini Glass Prowlers? Of course, come in, come in." Face waved them through the door.

I have a lot of overdramatic characters in this. It's fun.

"So where are they?" Jacen asked.

"Over here." Face led Jacen to a cage on his desk. "Look really carefully, do you see them?"

Jacen peered in at the nearly transparent insects. "Wow. They're neat. Can we take them out?"

Wedge's comlink beeped. "Sithspawn! That cannot be good."

He seriously considered simply not answering it, but gave in when the insistent tone repeated itself more loudly. He sighed and pulled the device out of his pocket. "General Antilles here."

"This is Communications. I have Councilor Fey'lya on the Holonet insisting that he speak to you."

Shavit, it was worse than he feared. He pulled himself up off the floor and walked over to one of the terminals. "You'd better patch him through then."

Many Bothans died to bring you this call. Unfortunately, Fey'lya wasn't one of them.

A moment later, the image of an extremely irate Bothan appeared before him. The reason for the politician's anger was quite evident from the bits of brightly coloured paper caught in his fur. Wedge thought that he heard Anakin's high-pitched laughter somewhere nearby. "Councilor Fey'lya, to what do I owe the honour of your call?"

"Don't play smart with me, Antilles; you aren't suited to it. I want to know the meaning of this!"

Playing smart is Wedge's specialty! He can't lose when he tries!

"The meaning of what?" Never reveal any information to your enemy when you weren't sure exactly how much they knew.

"I thought I told you to cut that out. I want to know right now why confetti has been raining down on the capital city here."

Wedge shrugged. "Are you having some sort of festival by any chance? Is that why you went home in the middle of a Senate session?"

Yeah, I wouldn't buy it either. :p

"A what?" Fey'lya stammered. "A festival? I command you to stop trying to be funny this instant! Confetti bombs have been dropped on my city, and it was your orders that caused them to fall."

"You must be mistaken. I issued no such command." He thought he saw little Anakin watching the proceedings from a few stations away.

"I'm not a fool General."

O RLY?

Wedge refrained from commenting as Fey'lya continued his tirade.

As the commentary person, I don't have to do the same. :p

Though he doubted the veracity of the statement coming from the Bothan, he was most certainly not foolish. Or at least not suicidal. "The authorization code used in the orders was yours, and therefore the confetti dropping mission was created by your initiative."

"I assure you, Councilor, there is a perfectly valid explanation for all of this." He turned away from the comm to whisper, "He's over there, Tycho. Try to grab him."

"I am listening, General. Proceed with your perfectly valid explanation."

Wedge shook his head. "I said that there was an explanation. I never said that you would believe me if I told you."

Smartass.

Fey'lya's fur flattened. "The nerve! I'll have you thrown out of the New Republic Military! I'll have you arrested for treason! I'll have you turned over to Imperial Intelligence! I'll-"

Never follow this up. :p

Anakin leapt out of the shadows and cut off the comm. "He was supposed to learn to have fun. He's just too grouchy." He grinned impishly up at the two pilots. "You still can't catch me!"

It's leapt again. :p

The little boy ran off, with Wedge and Tycho in hot pursuit.

Wes peered through the window of the oven door. "How much longer?"

"A minute less than last time you asked," Hobbie answered.

How many standard issue child conversations can I manage in this fic?

"You're not very good at this patience thing," Jaina commented from her perch on the counter.

"I can be very patient," Wes insisted. "Just not when I'm waiting for food."

Hobbie sniffed. "Do you smell that?"

"Smell what?"

"Something's burning."

"What are you talking about? Nothing's burning. You must be having some sort of seizure."

Burnt toast! Dr. Pennfield, I smell burnt toast!

"I am not having a seizure! I'm telling you, something smells like smoke."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No, it doesn't."

Only one person in the room is five. And she's not saying anything. :p
Hobbie threw his hands up into the air. "I'm not going to have this argument with you!"

"Yes you are." Wes grinned.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are."

Hobbie screamed. "You're doing it again!"

"Of course I'm doing it again. Don't you think it's fun?"

"I refuse to answer that on the grounds that we'll wind up arguing in circles again."

Hobbie does learn. :p

"Aww. Jaina, tell him to stop ruining my fun."

However, Jaina's attention was fixed on a point behind him. "Is that smoke?" she whispered.

"Is what smoke?" Wes turned around to see it seeping out of the oven. "Sithspawn! It is!"

"Wes!" Hobbie snapped. "Watch your language in front of the kid!"

Jaina gasped. "You said one of the words that makes Mommy yell at Daddy!"

Hobbie didn't REALLY think Jaina'd never heard that word, did he? :p

"Sorry," Wes murmured.

"Wes? Fire?" Hobbie reminded him.

Burning, hot, bad, more important than this joke. :p

"Si-That's right! Where's the anti-fire system?"

Jaina piped up. "Over there. The big red button."

A surprising number of my SW fics have big red buttons. :p

Hobbie slammed the control as hard as he could. "Got it!"

Nothing happened.

Quite dramatically.

"What's going on?" Wes asked. "Why didn't it turn on?"

Hobbie examined the panel. "I don't know. I think the button might be jammed."

It's a big BROKEN red button.

"Well that's annoying." Wes grabbed a large pot and started pouring water into it. Hobbie gave the anti-fire system button one last futile smack before joining him at the sink.

Jaina stared at the burning oven with intense concentration. She seemed to struggle with some monumental task. Wes was about to dump the pot on the blaze when he noticed that the fire actually appeared to be dying down.

Another part of my campaign to make the Force more PRACTICAL.

Hobbie dropped his half-filled container. "What's going on?"

But doesn't turn off the water. A gag I neglected to use.

Wes shrugged. He watched in amazement as the last flames flickered and died.

"Okay, it's out now," Jaina said.

Wes and Hobbie gaped at the little girl. "What? You did that?"

Jaina nodded.

"How?"

"By being made of awesome! Because at this point I'm still cool!"

She spread her hands. "I just pushed all the air away from the fire so that it couldn't burn anymore."

She got good physics lessons at Jedi kindergarten. :p

Hobbie whistled. "Well that's impressive."

Wes looked inside the oven. "I think some of these cookies exploded."

Hobbie examined the mess. "Hmm. Maybe that gluten powder was really sodium bicarb."

Look, I just really wanted to write a scene with exploding cookies. :p

The three of them continued their inspection of the disaster area. Amazingly, the cookies on the top rack were only slightly burned. Jaina reached in to grab one. "Ow! These are hot!" She made a face. "And they taste yucky. I think the sweetener was really salt."

Gee, who saw THAT joke coming. :p

"I don't think we can eat these," Hobbie mourned. "What are we going to do with them now?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Wes answered. "We gift wrap them and give them to Wedge."

Face reached into the cage and pulled out one of his Storini Glass Prowlers.

"What are their names?" Jacen asked.

Face handed him one of the insects. "This one is Trouble, and the other one is Mischief."

Jacen nodded solemnly. "Those are good names."

"Yes, I'm quite fond of them myself."

I later named a kitten Mischief. He looked almost exactly like the Wes-kitten. :p

Jacen held Trouble up to inspect how the light hit him. "He's a neat little thing. I bet he would creep Threepio right out!"

Still evil.

Face gently stroked Mischief. "They're really good for that."

"I'll bet." Corran sat down in a nearby chair. At least Jacen was currently interested in something that wasn't an immediate threat to the safety of the general public. More specifically, his continued health.

Don't worry, he'll get to rounding up people for being Corellian in public soon enough.

"Who's a good boy, Trouble?" Jacen cooed. "You're a good Glass Prowler, yes you are."

The door opened suddenly. "Captain, have you noticed some of the systems have been acting up today?"

Kell Tainer's voice was loud enough to make Jacen jump. Corran listened in horror to the scritch, scritch, scritch of a Glass Prowler running out of the room.

Face turned to reply. "Now that you mention it, a lot of things do seem to be on the blink. Uh-oh."

"What's uh-oh?" Corran asked hesitantly.

"Mischief isn't in his cage."

"I think I dropped Trouble," Jacen whispered.

Kell lifted the boy up. "Don't worry, kiddo. It happens all the time. When things get boring, Face releases them on purpose."

You know he would. :p

Face clutched his chest. "I'm hurt that you think that. There'll kitchen duty for that comment! Now go get your Glass Prowler hunting suit out of the closet."

Kell grabbed the outfit and disappeared to go change. He re-emerged a few minutes later dressed in what looked to be distantly related to a New Republic flight suit. Some of the blinding orange remained, but there were also random flashes of neon green and electric blue. The effect was made even more nauseating by the addition of a crimson and yellow cape over top.

Did you know flightsuit orange is garish? :p

"Oops, almost forgot!" Kell perched a floppy purple hat on his head with a flourish.

"The Glass Prowlers are attracted to bright colours," Face explained.

Which I certainly didn't make up just because it was funny. :p

Corran squinted. Too bright was right.

This is a pune, or play on words.

"Isn't this a little much?"

"Trust me, this is the most effective way to catch them. We've experimented quite a bit. I'll dig up something for you and Jace to wear once I've suited up."

Corran hadn't thought it was possible for anything to be more garish than Kell's costume, but Face managed to prove him wrong. Every article of clothing that he wore was made from a series of the brightest patches imaginable stitched together with gold thread.

Face, of course, keeps the best clothes for himself. :p

"Let's see what's in the costume closet. I'm afraid I don't have any child-sized jumpsuits, but will see what else I can dig up. Hmm, this might do." Face held one of the smaller capes up against Jacen. "Hand me that roll of space tape, would you Kell."

It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together. :p

He used the silver fix-all to hem the garment, which he draped over the boy's shoulders. A yellow and orange striped hat completed the ensemble.

Face examined Corran carefully. "Now, I do have something in your size, but you aren't going to like it very much."

Corran sighed. "Go nuts. My whole day has been like this."

Oh Corran, NEVER say that.

"Well, okay then. You agree to wear whatever I come up with?"

"Sure, whatever."

"I gave you fair warning." Face laughed. "The outfit belongs to one of the female squadron members."

"What?"

Face threw the dress to him. "You said I could do anything to you that my little heart desired."

Face has weird fetishes. :p

Corran ignored him and chanted, "It keeps Jacen out of trouble. It keeps Jacen out of trouble. It keeps Jacen..."

Nothing can do THAT Corran. You just want to wear the dress.

"Not again!" Wedge once more chased after young Anakin. Hopefully, no one else would ever learn how the child had managed to repeatedly outwit him. At the very least, he hoped that neither Wes nor Iella ever became aware of recent events.

Which would be worse? Discuss.

"Come back!" Tycho called.

Anakin ignored him and continued running.

"Well," Tycho said with a shrug, "it was worth a try."

"Keep him in sight!" Wedge ordered as he continued his pursuit.

Now Wedge is in General Mode.

Clearly, Anakin was not going to allow his job to be easy. A neatly arranged stack of papers flew off a nearby desk, thoroughly obscuring the pilots' field of vision.

Pretty good tactics for a three year old.

"What are these," Tycho asked.

Wedge snatched one of the flimsies out of the air. "Paperwork. Requisition forms by the look of them."

Tycho gave a brief laugh. "Does this happen often? It would certainly explain why it always takes so long for us to get any resources."

As good an explanation as any.

Wedge heaved a martyred sigh. "We're probably the first officers from Starfighter Command to ever end up in this wonderful situation."

"Two Death Stars, and now you'll be known as the guy who couldn't even keep track of a three year old boy. You're right though, the paperwork probably just sits on this desk for months at a time."

"Discuss bureaucracy later, find Anakin now."

The bureaucracy isn't going anywhere. Anakin is. :p

"Right." Tycho started off at a run, but slipped on one of the scattered papers. Wedge skidded to a stop to avoid trampling his friend.

"He fall down," Anakin commented.

"Are you alright, Tych? Anakin, get back here!"

"No!"

"I'm fine," Tycho assured him.

"You can hurt someone doing that, kiddo."

"He's okay," Anakin insisted.

Wedge helped Tycho get to his feet. "But what about next time?"

"Next time?" Anakin seemed perplexed.

"If someone comes along and doesn't know that those papers are on the floor, they could trip and hurt themselves."

"That would be bad," Anakin agreed.

Because Anakin isn't the evil sibling. :p

"So how about you come pick this mess up?"

Wedge, you're trying to get a three year old to pick up a mess.

The pile of papers slowly lifted itself into the air. It made a wobbly flight back onto the desk and landed all in a jumble. It would undoubtedly exasperate the clerk responsible for requisitions, but at least it was no longer a safety hazard.

"Don't you want to come admire your new filing system?" Tycho suggested.

Anakin's only response was to run in the opposite direction.

"Guess not," Wedge mused.

Strategies like that have just been SO effective.

"Well Wes, where can we find wrapping paper around here?" Hobbie asked.

"I'm honestly not sure. It's been a couple months since anyone in the squadron has celebrated a Life Day."

I never did figure LIfe Day out. It seems to be two things. A Wookiee holiday in the scary thing, AND the SW word for birthday. Except when they say birthday.

Hobbie nodded. "A quest, then."

Wes grinned. "Of epic proportions."

I kinda love these two.

"Can we make a card too?" Jaina inquired.

What the BLAZES do I have against the word "asked"?

"We sure can, Ace."

"Hey! Shooting me down in a simulator doesn't make her an ace!" Wes insisted.

"What?" Hobbie made a pitiful attempt at wide-eyed innocence. "It's just one of those random nicknames you give to kids."

"What's wrong with kiddo or Angel or Honey or Princess or Sweetie or Veggie or-"

LOTS of things are wrong with Angel in this case. :p

"Wait," Hobbie interrupted. "Veggie?"

Wes nodded. "It was Wedge's childhood nickname."

"And he told you this why?"

"Because I'm such a trustworthy individual who would never use the knowledge against him, of course."

Done laughing?

Jaina shook her head. "Na-uh."

"Try again," Hobbie said.

"Okay, it might have had something to do with the fact that he was rather drunk at the time."

"What do you think, Jay, is that story more believable?"

Jaina considered for a moment. "I don't know. It would be pretty hard to get a Corellian that drunk."

She doesn't need to use the Jedi truth sensing thing, she just has a Corellian daddy. :p

"What?" Wes sputtered. "You're five years old! You're not supposed to know about that kind of thing."

"This is Han Solo's daughter we're talking about here," Hobbie reminded him.

Wes threw his hands up in frustration. "Okay! I admit it! I got the information from Mirax in exchange for footage of Corran's bachelor party!"

Hobbie nodded. "Now that's a reasonable explanation."

Wes snapped his fingers. "Hey, I just remembered something! Mirax had a baby shower recently. That means that the women would probably have some cute wrapping paper that Wedge would just love. Let's go visit Shalla Nelprin."

"Why Shalla?"

"Because I want to visit Shalla."

No accident here. This is supposed to imply exactly what it seems to imply. :p

"Okay, good. I was just making sure that you didn't have any logical reason for choosing her out of everyone in both squadrons."

Jaina giggled. "Wes? Logical? Now that's just silly!"

I feel a Python sketch coming on.

"Eh, whatever. C'mon you." Wes lifted her onto his shoulders. "Grab the box of cookies, Hobbie."

They made their way to Wraith HQ drawing no more than Wes's usual quota of strange looks. This was despite the fact that Jaina was attempting to steer him by pulling on his ears.

Wes is a tauntaun.

"Stop that. I'm the one who knows where we're going."

Jaina kicked his ribs. "Then go faster!"

Jaina wants to be a nerf herder!

"I'm trying to remember which room is Shalla's."

"I thought you had a database on all the female pilots," Hobbie needled.

"I do. But it's on my computer. Oh, here we are."

Jaina was growing very heavy on his shoulders so Wes decided to set her down. She was halfway to the floor when Shalla answered the door.

"Hi Shalla. Hobbie, can you take Jay?"

Hobbie gestured with the box. "My hands are full."

Wes gave Shalla a pleading look. "Can you get this little monkey-lizard off my back?"

Why Wes doesn't just finish putting her on the floor, I'm not sure. :p

"Hey!" Jaina said indignantly.

Shalla reached up to take the child. "You've been slacking on your workouts, Janson."

"I have not!" Wes rubbed his sore muscles. "I just carried her all the way from the Rogues' kitchen."

Shalla raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing in the kitchen?"

So that's why I heard alarms...

"Making cookies for the General," Hobbie explained. "We need wrapping paper."

"I should have the stuff I used for Mirax's gift. I'm guessing you want the most childish wrapping paper available."

"You know me so well."

OMG OTP! :p

She rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a roll of yellow paper decorated with green, blue, and red dots.

"That's perfect! I don't suppose you have anything we could make a card out of?"

If you give a Wes song giftwrap, he'll want a card to go with it.

"There should be some blank paper and coloured pens on the desk in the corner."

Coloured pens? Who knows why.

Jaina scampered over and grabbed the items mentioned. "Can you write the words, Wes?"

He took the unevenly folded page from her and pulled out a green pen. "I sure can."

"What does it say?"

" 'Happy Ewok Day, Veggie!' Now you draw some pretty pictures while Hobbie and I wrap these up."

Ewok Day should be a for reals holiday, y/y?

Jaina lay down on her stomach and began covering the card with rough drawings of Ewoks and vegetables. Meanwhile, Wes grabbed a roll of tape while Hobbie spread out a sheet of gift-wrap.

"Oww!" Hobbie suddenly thrust his finger into his mouth.

Hobbie just CAN'T WIN.

"Are you alright?" Jaina asked.

"What did you do to yourself now?"

Hobbie mumbled something incomprehensible.

"Your fingers are still in your mouth," Wes pointed out.

"Paper cut!" Hobbie exclaimed.

It's funny because Hobbie is Bacta Boy.

Wes sighed. "I'll do this." He set the box on top of the paper and attempted to fold the edges up around it. The page seemed to take on a life of its own as it randomly creased everywhere except for along the edge he wanted.

This wasn't covered in basic training.

Shalla laughed. "You need some help with that?"

Wes dropped the offending object and fell over backwards. "Yes!"

I love working with overdramatic characters. I really do.

The hand-to-hand combat expert deftly smoothed down the rumpled paper and neatly folded it around the cookie box.

*cringe* WHY the epithets? What's wrong with "Shalla" or "she"?

"Hobbie, tape the edge down. Wes could hurt someone with the sharp edge."

Ignoring the comment, Wes watched her fold the ends of the paper into triangular flaps to complete the special package.

Wes ignored the comment and watched her fold the ends of the paper into triangular flaps to complete the special package.

Hmm, remember how I had missing lines at the beginning? Send in the clones!

"Wow, I did a really good job of wrapping that," he commented.

Shalla punched him lightly. "Is the card done?"

I'm not implying anything with these two at ALL. Certainly not.

Jaina jumped up. "Here you go!"

Shalla attached the card to the gift with a loop of tape. Wes took it and gestured to his two companions. "We have to be going now to deliver this to the General. Be seeing you, Shalla."

He sure will. DELIBERATE implications, people!

She shooed them out. "Get out of here, you mynock."

"Come back when you don't have a five year old with you. Hobbie is optional."

"Where are we going to leave Wedge's present?" Jaina asked.

"Well, I was thinking we should put it in the briefing room with the Ewoks."

Corran had worn some pretty ridiculous outfits before, as part of one cover story or another. However, nothing could even come close to his current get up. For one thing, he had never had to wear a skirt before. And this wasn't just any skirt. It was layered, starting with flight suit orange reaching his ankles, and proceeding through the brightest shades of every colour of the rainbow, ending with lemon yellow falling just above his knees. The top that went with it was no better, since it was ruffled pink fabric covered in silver sequins.

Delirium would be proud.

Face reached for a small holocam.

"You do you die, Loran."

That's what Del Rey is for.

"Death threats in front of a small child?" Kell commented.

"It's not like he hasn't issued any himself," Corran insisted.

His tend to be more SINISTER though. :p

Jacen was the picture of wide-eyed innocence. "What are you talking about? I haven't done anything like that."

At this stage, he still denies it.

Corran sank into a chair, the voluminous skirt riding up uncomfortably. "Why me?"

I wonder if there are bloomers with that outfit. I don't say. :p

"Stand up, Corran. We wouldn't want the holo to show you in an undignified position."

Corran rose to his feet. "There won't be a holo!"

"Not even one little snapshot for the gossip vids?" Face asked.

Pwease? Just one wittle humiliation?

"None," Corran repeated.

"We have to find the Glass Prowlers," Jacen reminded them.

"Don't worry, kiddo, I haven't forgotten." Face snapped his fingers. "You're missing your hat!"

"Umm, really, that's not necessary."

Hats are important!

Face wasn't allowing an argument. He shoved the headgear onto Corran without any further questions. A glance in the mirror revealed it to be decorated with false flowers that could only have grown naturally near a powerful source of radiation.

"Guys, we have to hurry," Kell said. "Those things are pretty small, and they aren't easy to track."

Being translucent insects and all. :p

Corran glanced down at Jacen. "Are you willing to use the Force to do something helpful for a change?"

"What would I use it for if I wasn't being helpful?"

Galactic domination? Right, he thinks that's helpful.

Corran chose not to pursue that line of conversation. "Try to sense the Glass Prowlers through the Force. Can you do that?"

Jacen nodded and led them out of the room. The three adults had to run to keep up with the small boy as he traced an invisible trail.

OY WITH THE EPITHETS!

"How many people do you figure have seen us?" Corran asked absently.

Face shrugged. "It doesn't really matter. Everyone will get a little treat when I go through the base's security files."

"What security files?"

"We have to be on a lookout for intruders," Kell explained. "This whole place is littered with cameras, and Face has free access to the recordings."

Twisted Brother is watching. :p
Corran groaned. "What'll it take to keep them from ever seeing the light of day?"

Face gasped. "Are you implying that I would take a bribe?" He paused. "Let me get back to you on that."

Jacen stopped abruptly in front of a blank wall. "I know they went in here."

"Jacen," Corran said, "that's a wall."

Captain Obvious, he will state the obviooooooooooooous!

"I'm not dumb. I know it's a wall! But I can feel them through the Force, they went in here somehow!"

Face examined the floor. "Look, there's a gap here. Kell, is this one of the concealed doors?"

Kell responded by pushing on an innocuous nail. The panel swung away revealing a narrow passage.

As, umm, innocuous as a nail in a world of rivets and fused durasteel can BE. :p

"Where does it go?" Jacen asked.

"Well, if I remember correctly, it should lead to Rogue Squadron's briefing room."

Funny how these things work out.

Wedge and Tycho dashed down the hallway. It was amazing how far Anakin managed to get by taking such small steps.

"The kid's got to tire himself out eventually, right?"

Spoken as only those without children can say.

"Somehow, I'm beginning to doubt that, Wedge."

"I mean, we're highly trained military personnel. We're supposed to be in peak physical shape."

I'm a general! That means I have 10 body points!

Tycho raised an eyebrow. Wedge suddenly noticed that they were both breathing heavily.

"Well, if we can't outlast him, then we'll just have to outsmart him," Wedge wheezed.

"We haven't exactly had the greatest luck with that, General Sillyface."

Wedge groaned. "Would you stop reminding me about that?"

"Oh, you know me. I let things drop relatively quickly. I'd be more worried about Wes finding out if I were you."

"If that information leaks, I will hold you personally responsible. You just keep that in mind."

"No New Republic general would stoop so low as to seek revenge on one of his subordinate officers."

Unfortunately, Wedge is, at heart, a REBEL general.

"When you're with Wes--not telling him about Anakin's little stunt--be sure you ask him exactly what I am willing to stoop to."

"You guys aren't getting any closer," Anakin taunted.

"Arrogant little thing, isn't he," Wedge muttered as he sped up.

You should meet his BROTHER.

"Which of course couldn't possibly come from his Corellian heritage."

"You can be replaced, you know."

By a generic Jedi. Because that's how Del Rey apparently WORKS.

Anakin darted down a back hallway with Wedge and Tycho slowly closing the gap.

"Where are we now?" Wedge panted.

"It's a maintenance corridor behind the briefing rooms."

Wedge nodded. "This could work. If he runs into a room where there's nothing in progress, the main door will be locked. We'll finally have him cornered."

"And if he picks one that's in use?" Tycho inquired.

"Then we'll look like a couple of idiots who can't keep up with a three year old."

As opposed to?

"I'm three and a half!" Anakin yelled back.

This is actually a REALL important distinction to make.

"Sithspit! How much of that do you think he's heard?"

"More than enough to make this plan blow up in our faces," Tycho replied.

Anakin reached the end of the hall and opened the last door.

"Can you remember which squadron uses that one?" Tycho asked.

Wedge grinned. "One that's guaranteed to not be in there right now. Us."

Funny how that works. It's almost like someone is trying to drive everyone into that room. :p

General Wedge Antilles strode confidently through the back door of the briefing room. He froze when he realized that he had stepped into the middle of a war zone. He whispered to Tycho, "Please tell me I'm not seeing this."

"Do you mean the full scale ground battle on the table?"

"Yes, that's what I seem to be hallucinating."

"The one where you and a few other Heroes of the New Republic are losing to a hoard of Ewoks?"

Wedge apparently regularly has highly detailed hallucinations from a very twisted subconcious.

"You aren't helping."

"Okay, I'll be supportive. I'll warn you not to look up."

Wedge ignored the advice and directed his eyes to the ceiling.

Easiest way to get someone to look up/down/behind them.

Uncertain of the reliability of his senses, he moved closer. His inspection confirmed that there were toy starfighters suspended from the rafters. Closer examinations revealed the TIEs to be piloted by more replicas of himself, while the X-wing cockpits were occupied by Ewoks. There was something oddly familiar about the appearance of most of the Ewoks.

Ewoks. Piloting starfighters. It could only be Lieutenant Kettch. Which had to mean... "Wes!"

The main door suddenly burst open. "You called?" Wes entered flanked by Jaina and Hobbie. The eternally youthful pilot carried a brightly wrapped package.

"What's in the box?" Wedge asked suspiciously.

Jaina gave him a pained look. "We made you a present. You don't want it? We worked really hard!" The little girl seemed on the edge of tears.

She'll spend a rather unfortunate number of years manipulating men.

Wedge quickly assessed the situation and decided that hurting Jaina's feelings would probably do him more damage in the long run than anything Wes's package might do.

Wes's package, eh?

He accepted the gift and made a show of tearing into the wrapping paper. "Cookies?"

Jaina nodded eagerly. "We baked them ourselves! Eat them!"

Wedge took a deep breath and nibbled at the cookie. It took every modicum of control that he possessed not to spit it immediately out on the floor. It was possibly the worst cookie he had ever tasted. But rather than voice that sentiment, he said, "Mmm, yummy. I think I'll save the rest for later."

Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they burst out laughing. "The look on your face when you took that bite was priceless," Hobbie commented.

"I wonder where it ranked compared to when he saw this little setup," Wes added, gesturing to the toy battle.

"Don't think I don't realize this was your doing."

I don't think Wes was trying to disguise it...

"Yub yub, Commander."

Wedge glared at him. "I am a General. "

Wes shrugged. "Yeah, but 'Yub yub, General' just doesn't have the same ring to it."

It just... doesn't. WHich is why the line was not that.

"What was that noise?" Hobbie asked.

Everyone in the room fell silent as the thumping sound repeated itself. It seemed to be coming from one of the walls. The noise continued for a moment before the wall opened up and a bizarrely dressed Corran Horn fell on the floor. Face Loran, Kell Tainer and Jacen Solo quickly followed, landing on top of the unfortunate Jedi.

That must be a blinding boypile. :p

Wedge wondered if he even wanted to know the reasoning behind the group's bizarre outfits. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Trouble," Face explained.

"And Mischief!" Jacen added.

Tell me you all saw this joke coming when I named the Glass Prowlers that. TELL ME. Jokes like these are why I named a kitten Evidence. :p

"And this would differ from what you're usually up to how?"

Thank you, Wedge, you're a good straight man. :p

"The Glass Prowlers, silly!" Jacen crawled under the table and emerged carrying two translucent insects. "They're okay. But I think Corran might have almost fell on them."

Corran shook his head. "Why does that not surprise me today..."

The alternate title for this fic is "Corran's No Good Very Bad Terrible Awful Day".

Everyone turned as the main door opened again. Admiral Ackbar emerged and surveyed the scene in apparent disbelief. "Captain Horn, you're out of uniform."

Admiral Ackbar for MAXIMUM LULZ!

Corran glanced down at his truly hideous skirt. "I assure you, I am already painfully aware of that fact."

"Be sure to rectify the situation at the first feasible opportunity."

Corran saluted, knocking his hat to the floor. "Yes sir!"

Ackbar turned his attention to the battle. "General Antilles, traditionally one does not use models to explain missions. You have the finest holographic technology available to the military. Please use it in the future."

No matter how much fun models are.

"Yes, sir."

"And try to remember that the existence of our Ewok forces is supposed to be classified." Ackbar pivoted on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving a thoroughly baffled Wedge in his wake.

Admiral Ackbar: Admiral of PUNCHLINES!

"So," Wes said, "who did you unload little Anakin on?"

Uh oh! :p

"What are you talking about? The kid's right..." Wedge frantically surveyed the room. Anakin was definitely not in there. "Sithspit! He must have run out when I wasn't watching!" He sank to the ground. "I give up! I'm not chasing him anymore."

"How do you plan on explaining to Leia that you lost her son?" Tycho inquired.

GAAAAAAAAAH what did I have against "asked"?

"I don't know!"

"Well I suggest you figure it out pretty quickly." Leia walked briskly into the room, carrying Anakin.

Leia has a sense of comic timing too. :p

The boy was sound asleep.

"How could you be so irresponsible as to leave him unsupervised? Do you have any idea how many horrible things could have happened to him while you left him napping out in the hallway?"

He could have died of inconvenient name!

Wedge stared mutely at the sleeping child. Somehow, it just didn't seem possible. He looked so sweet and harmless.

Leia's expression changed from angry to tender as she shifted her attention to the twins. "Did you two have a good time?"

Jaina bounced up and down. "Wes showed me Wedge's X-wing. It was so neat! I wanna fly one when I grow up... or else put out fires!"

Mostly I just want to have a plot! Plots are awesome!

"And what about you, Jacen?"

He grinned. "I got to see all kinds of animals!"

"Oh, and I fell to the Dark Side with accidental foreshdowing."

"Well I'm glad you had fun."

"Mommy?"

"Yes Jacen?"

"Can Uncle Corran baby-sit us every time you have a meeting?"

The End