hrm
much thinking has been done regarding this livejournal. i suppose a lot of people i know forget that i ever posted on here, while some i don't think ever did until just recently.
because i was curious and feeling introspective, i've gone back to the very beginning of my journal and read everything i've written, public and private.
i have stumbled upon a couple of conclusions. yes, i can finally remember when things between brian and i were good, and when i did really care for him. but for every 4 entries about how cool i used to think he was, there was an average of one and a half about how much i still missed morgan. the things i didn't tell anyone, not even my mom, about how i was so attracted to brian because he reminded me so much of the guy i didn't think i could have anymore.
and i feel like i should be much more upset with the way things had to end with brian and i, and the reasons i ended them the way i did. i feel like i should be mad at him, or like i should miss him. but the truth of the matter is that i don't, on either account. being mad doesn't change what happened between us. it doesn't change his actions or mine. and i suppose i don't miss him because, as i mentioned to a morgan who i thought was sami but would have told morgan anyways if he'd only asked, california was, in a lot of ways, my bizarro world. and brian was the bizarro boyfriend. the substitute for what i was missing in texas. and i suppose since i have the original once more, there is no need for the substitute.
and there i am, sounding cold and unattached again. the other night when my mom and sister read my astrological chart, they said that was what i did when i got mad. i turn cold and scientific, and i find the way to say the most hurtful things possible with the least emotion possible. i suppose it might hurt him if he knew i didn't miss him, but i don't want him to miss me. i want him to forget me. i suppose i want to forget him too, and in a way i'm almost asking for the permission of the universe to do so. reading through my old entries about him, i remember what he was in the very beginning, but that only lasted about a year and a half. then he started to become something else, and the small gestures became smaller. during the three years we dated, he bought me flowers once, on our last valentine's day. it seems that most guys in general don't understand just how much it thrills a girl to get flowers of any sort, for no reason except that we're on someone's mind.
anyways... i deleted a lot of old entries. partially because they are feelings i no longer feel, haven't felt for a long time. partially because they are words authored by a person who no longer exists. i know i need to remember that that person was me, at one point. but i don't want those words anymore. i suppose the point is that that isn't who i am now, and to be able to live more in the now, i'm comfortable with the idea of letting go who i used to be.
because i was curious and feeling introspective, i've gone back to the very beginning of my journal and read everything i've written, public and private.
i have stumbled upon a couple of conclusions. yes, i can finally remember when things between brian and i were good, and when i did really care for him. but for every 4 entries about how cool i used to think he was, there was an average of one and a half about how much i still missed morgan. the things i didn't tell anyone, not even my mom, about how i was so attracted to brian because he reminded me so much of the guy i didn't think i could have anymore.
and i feel like i should be much more upset with the way things had to end with brian and i, and the reasons i ended them the way i did. i feel like i should be mad at him, or like i should miss him. but the truth of the matter is that i don't, on either account. being mad doesn't change what happened between us. it doesn't change his actions or mine. and i suppose i don't miss him because, as i mentioned to a morgan who i thought was sami but would have told morgan anyways if he'd only asked, california was, in a lot of ways, my bizarro world. and brian was the bizarro boyfriend. the substitute for what i was missing in texas. and i suppose since i have the original once more, there is no need for the substitute.
and there i am, sounding cold and unattached again. the other night when my mom and sister read my astrological chart, they said that was what i did when i got mad. i turn cold and scientific, and i find the way to say the most hurtful things possible with the least emotion possible. i suppose it might hurt him if he knew i didn't miss him, but i don't want him to miss me. i want him to forget me. i suppose i want to forget him too, and in a way i'm almost asking for the permission of the universe to do so. reading through my old entries about him, i remember what he was in the very beginning, but that only lasted about a year and a half. then he started to become something else, and the small gestures became smaller. during the three years we dated, he bought me flowers once, on our last valentine's day. it seems that most guys in general don't understand just how much it thrills a girl to get flowers of any sort, for no reason except that we're on someone's mind.
anyways... i deleted a lot of old entries. partially because they are feelings i no longer feel, haven't felt for a long time. partially because they are words authored by a person who no longer exists. i know i need to remember that that person was me, at one point. but i don't want those words anymore. i suppose the point is that that isn't who i am now, and to be able to live more in the now, i'm comfortable with the idea of letting go who i used to be.