Poem: "The Only Defense Against the World"
This poem came out of the September 5, 2023 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from Dreamwidth users Helgatwb and Hangingbyastitch. It also fills the "Attack / Defense" square in my 9-1-23 card for the Story Sparks Bingo fest. This poem has been anonymously sponsored. It belongs to the Finn Family thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes intersex issues, physical discomfort, gender abusive behavior by parents (which is fended off by a supportive adult), frank discussion of sex parts, messy medical issues, emotional angst, and other challenges. However, the overall situation is improving and support is available, so it's not a downer. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"The Only Defense Against the World"
Riley scrunched in the seat
and tried to ignore thon's body.
The surgery had gone well,
with the offending implants
removed and the natural bits
all in their proper places now,
but not long after that, the uterus
had finished creating its channel
to the outside and the seam opened.
The resultant friction was maddening.
It hurt to walk; it hurt to sit still; it was
a constant, aggravating distraction.
Riley had told Dr. G, who had gotten
thon an appointment with Dr. Nath
and offered to drive thon there.
But every bump on the road sent
a jolt through Riley's tender bits,
even with the extra donut cushion
that Dr. G had plopped on the seat.
"We'll get there soon," Dr. G said.
"I'm quite certain that Dr. Nath will
have you feeling better in no time."
Of course that's when the phone rang.
Riley could hear just enough over
the phone to recognize the sound
of a familiar voice, and winced.
"Yes, Mrs. Bessonet, I'm still
convinced that the current path
of action is the best for Riley,"
said Dr. G. "Thon is happier."
Nevermind that Riley was
currently squirming on the seat
trying to find a comfortable spot.
It was still better than living with
thon's parents had ever been.
"No, you don't get any input,
since Riley left you precisely
to escape your influence after
you lied about thon's body
for years," Dr. G went on.
Riley had only found out
the truth about being intersex
after developing telempathy.
Right now that gift was
comforting, because
Dr. G's mind felt like
a stone wall that thon
could take refuge behind.
"Mrs. Bessonet, no matter how
you try to spin it, I am not going
to agree that your treatment of
Riley was in any way reasonable,"
said Dr. G. "You can hire as many
experts as you want, but I am also
a medical doctor and not fooled."
Riley stuffed thon's hand into
thon's mouth and tried not
to giggle, but it was hard.
"Well, what do you know,
she hung up," said Dr. G.
"Riley, are you all right? That
can't have been fun to listen to."
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry my parents
keep bothering you so much, though,"
Riley said. "It's got to be annoying."
"It's all right," said Dr. G. "I don't
mind it. As long as they're pestering
me, they're not going after you."
"Thanks for sticking up for me,"
said Riley. "That's a nice change."
"That's what I'm here for," said Dr. G.
"You need someone on your side."
"Yeah," said Riley. "I feel so lost
sometimes. It seems like you
know everything about this stuff."
"Remember that one of my children
is nonbinary," said Dr. G. "Of course
I studied everything that I could find
about sex and gender differences.
The only defense against the world
is a thorough knowledge of it."
"That's true," said Riley. "I've
heard my gender coach say
the same kind of things."
Finally they reached the
Triquetra Trauma Center.
Riley eased out of the seat
and waddled into the office,
trying not to let anything rub
against anything else too much.
"New vaj?" a blonde woman said.
The brunette in the next seat
elbowed her sharply and said,
"Ladies do not make rude remarks
about other people's personal parts!"
"Sorry," the blonde said, waving
a hand at herself. "New woman,
new culture, new problems." She
dropped her face in her hands.
"I am so bad at this stuff."
"You'll get better at it with
practice, that's what I'm
here for," said the brunette.
Riley scrunched against
Dr. G, trying to ignore them,
and the secretary pointed to
the doors leading into the clinic.
"Are you all right?" Dr. G asked
as they walked into the hallway.
"That was pretty awful out there."
Riley sighed. "If she was raised
by parents like mine, it's hard
to blame her," thon replied.
"That's a compassionate way
to look at it," Dr. G agreed.
A nurse led the two of them
to an exam room, and Riley
put up with preliminary questions
even though Dr. G had provided
an embarrassingly detailed list
when requesting the appointment.
It didn't take long for Dr. Nath
to come in. "I hear that you have
some exciting news," she said.
"Yeah, the channel opened, but
it's driving me crazy," said Riley.
"Please tell me you can fix this."
"Do you mean 'fix' as in seal it up,
or as in make it stop bothering you?"
said Dr. Nath. "Or undecided?"
"Make it stop bothering me,"
said Riley. "I don't think I want
to get rid of it. I'm not sure if
I'll want to use it or not. But
right now this feels awful."
"I have a pretty good idea why,
but how about you change and
let me look," said Dr. Nath.
"Yeah, fine," Riley said. Thon
ducked behind the curtain and
then scrambled into the gown.
"Uh ... I don't really want to sit."
Dr. Nath slipped behind the curtain.
"Just lean over the exam table, and
that way I shouldn't even need
to lift your bits out of the way."
"Okay, I can do that," said Riley.
Thon had to stand on the step at
the foot, but then it was a good level.
"Yes, that's about what I expected,"
said Dr. Nath. "By the way, you're
starting to grow some labia, though
I don't know how much more they
may develop. We can always
add more if you want to later."
"I'd rather avoid more surgery
if at all possible," Riley said,
not even sure how thon felt
about having labia or not.
"A wise goal," said Dr. Nath.
"Okay, I need to touch now."
"Fffffine," Riley said, trying not
to flinch, because any touch there
was nothing short of miserable now.
"This is much like every other new vagina
that I work with, minus the surgical trauma,"
said Dr. Nath. "It's uncomfortable because
the new skin is raw. The good news is that
I fix this problem all the time -- it's easy."
"That's excellent news," said Dr. G.
"I was hoping it would be similar."
"Really? It's that simple?" Riley said,
startled. Thon hadn't expected that.
"Sure," said Dr. Nath. "I just spray it
with topical anaesthetic, then pack
the channel with gauze soaked in
antibiotic lubricant to keep the walls
from rubbing against each other.
Wait right there for a minute."
She ducked out, and Riley could
hear her murmuring with Dr. G,
but not what they were saying.
"Okay, I'm back," said Dr. Nath.
"Fair warning, this stuff feels like
it's freezing before you go numb."
"YEEK!" Riley screeched. It was cold.
"Just give that a minute to start working,"
said Dr. Nath. "Tell me when you feel it."
It took maybe a couple of minutes for
Riley to calm down enough and pay
attention to a part that thon had
been ignoring for the whole day.
"Yeah, that's less worse," thon said.
"Not great, but an improvement."
"That's good," said Dr. Nath. "Now,
the next part is not fun, but I promise
that afterward you'll feel a lot better."
It was embarrassing and uncomfortable
having something stuffed up there, but
everything was most of the way numb.
"All done," said Dr. Nath. "Stand up.
See if you can close your legs, move
around, and walk normally now."
Riley stood up gingerly. It felt
beyond weird, but it didn't hurt.
Thon could walk without waddling,
too. The stuffing kept the sore edges
from rubbing against each other.
"So much better," Riley said.
"I can't thank you enough."
Dr. Nath grinned at thon.
"I'm happy I could help,"
she said. "Get dressed,
and I'll give you the packet
of aftercare instructions."
Riley changed back, and
then took the care packet.
The pamphlet had a cute girl
with a pink heart over her lap
and read, Your New Vagina.
"Do we need any prescriptions?"
Dr. G asked. "I can pick them up."
"I recommend antibiotics for a week.
That should be enough time to heal,"
said Dr. Nath. "I'll add some pain pills
to use as needed, because some folks
need something stronger at night. For
daytime, over the counter should be fine."
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep during
the last few nights," Riley grumbled.
"Take one before bed and it'll knock you
out for the whole night," said Dr. Nath.
Then she handed Riley two spray cans,
one large and one small. "For home and
travel use. This anaesthetic is designed
for exactly this purpose, so use liberally."
"Thanks," Riley said. "All of this is
weird enough without me feeling
like I'm sitting on an anthill."
Dr. Nath laugh. "Oh, that's
a great description, I'll have
to remember that for later use."
"When should we schedule
the next appointment?"
Dr. G asked her then.
"Three days should do it,"
said Dr. Nath. "I want to see
if this heals at usual speed.
We'll probably want to meet
again a few days after that.
It shouldn't take long to heal."
"That's good to hear," said Riley.
"This is better, but still kind of odd."
"Well, once the new skin heals, you
will have a different step to deal with,
dilation. I can provide some toys and
more instructions," said Dr. Nath. "It's
not a lot of fun at first, but you've got
the spray for that. Later on, it will
be a whole new kind of self-play
for you to explore and enjoy."
"Thanks, I think," Riley said.
Thon wasn't sure about playing
with the new part, but if it would
make things settle down, then
it was probably worth doing.
"I'll take care of the paperwork,"
Dr. G said, and so Dr. Nath
handed him the prescriptions.
On the way out, Dr. G's phone
rang again, this time Riley's father.
Thon listed to Dr. G shredding
the other man's arguments.
It was nice to have someone
defend thon against such attacks.
Riley could get used to this support.
* * *
Notes:
"The only defense against the world is a thorough knowledge of it."
-- John Locke, Some Thoughts Concerning Education
Riley previously appeared in ...
"Disorientation and Reorientation"
"Where You Begin to Heal"
"Where You Begin to Learn New Things"
Gender abuse, medical abuse, and discrimination are common for people who are intersex, transgender, or otherwise outside the socially constructed sex/gender binary.
Here is a typical guide for postoperative care of a new vagina. In cases where a new vagina opens by itself, similar care can improve function and comfort, because the base issue -- new, raw tissue that is hypersensitive -- is pretty much the same in both cases despite the different origins. Yes, intersex people commonly experience natural changes to their sex parts, most often during puberty, which may or may not go as expected.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes intersex issues, physical discomfort, gender abusive behavior by parents (which is fended off by a supportive adult), frank discussion of sex parts, messy medical issues, emotional angst, and other challenges. However, the overall situation is improving and support is available, so it's not a downer. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"The Only Defense Against the World"
Riley scrunched in the seat
and tried to ignore thon's body.
The surgery had gone well,
with the offending implants
removed and the natural bits
all in their proper places now,
but not long after that, the uterus
had finished creating its channel
to the outside and the seam opened.
The resultant friction was maddening.
It hurt to walk; it hurt to sit still; it was
a constant, aggravating distraction.
Riley had told Dr. G, who had gotten
thon an appointment with Dr. Nath
and offered to drive thon there.
But every bump on the road sent
a jolt through Riley's tender bits,
even with the extra donut cushion
that Dr. G had plopped on the seat.
"We'll get there soon," Dr. G said.
"I'm quite certain that Dr. Nath will
have you feeling better in no time."
Of course that's when the phone rang.
Riley could hear just enough over
the phone to recognize the sound
of a familiar voice, and winced.
"Yes, Mrs. Bessonet, I'm still
convinced that the current path
of action is the best for Riley,"
said Dr. G. "Thon is happier."
Nevermind that Riley was
currently squirming on the seat
trying to find a comfortable spot.
It was still better than living with
thon's parents had ever been.
"No, you don't get any input,
since Riley left you precisely
to escape your influence after
you lied about thon's body
for years," Dr. G went on.
Riley had only found out
the truth about being intersex
after developing telempathy.
Right now that gift was
comforting, because
Dr. G's mind felt like
a stone wall that thon
could take refuge behind.
"Mrs. Bessonet, no matter how
you try to spin it, I am not going
to agree that your treatment of
Riley was in any way reasonable,"
said Dr. G. "You can hire as many
experts as you want, but I am also
a medical doctor and not fooled."
Riley stuffed thon's hand into
thon's mouth and tried not
to giggle, but it was hard.
"Well, what do you know,
she hung up," said Dr. G.
"Riley, are you all right? That
can't have been fun to listen to."
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry my parents
keep bothering you so much, though,"
Riley said. "It's got to be annoying."
"It's all right," said Dr. G. "I don't
mind it. As long as they're pestering
me, they're not going after you."
"Thanks for sticking up for me,"
said Riley. "That's a nice change."
"That's what I'm here for," said Dr. G.
"You need someone on your side."
"Yeah," said Riley. "I feel so lost
sometimes. It seems like you
know everything about this stuff."
"Remember that one of my children
is nonbinary," said Dr. G. "Of course
I studied everything that I could find
about sex and gender differences.
The only defense against the world
is a thorough knowledge of it."
"That's true," said Riley. "I've
heard my gender coach say
the same kind of things."
Finally they reached the
Triquetra Trauma Center.
Riley eased out of the seat
and waddled into the office,
trying not to let anything rub
against anything else too much.
"New vaj?" a blonde woman said.
The brunette in the next seat
elbowed her sharply and said,
"Ladies do not make rude remarks
about other people's personal parts!"
"Sorry," the blonde said, waving
a hand at herself. "New woman,
new culture, new problems." She
dropped her face in her hands.
"I am so bad at this stuff."
"You'll get better at it with
practice, that's what I'm
here for," said the brunette.
Riley scrunched against
Dr. G, trying to ignore them,
and the secretary pointed to
the doors leading into the clinic.
"Are you all right?" Dr. G asked
as they walked into the hallway.
"That was pretty awful out there."
Riley sighed. "If she was raised
by parents like mine, it's hard
to blame her," thon replied.
"That's a compassionate way
to look at it," Dr. G agreed.
A nurse led the two of them
to an exam room, and Riley
put up with preliminary questions
even though Dr. G had provided
an embarrassingly detailed list
when requesting the appointment.
It didn't take long for Dr. Nath
to come in. "I hear that you have
some exciting news," she said.
"Yeah, the channel opened, but
it's driving me crazy," said Riley.
"Please tell me you can fix this."
"Do you mean 'fix' as in seal it up,
or as in make it stop bothering you?"
said Dr. Nath. "Or undecided?"
"Make it stop bothering me,"
said Riley. "I don't think I want
to get rid of it. I'm not sure if
I'll want to use it or not. But
right now this feels awful."
"I have a pretty good idea why,
but how about you change and
let me look," said Dr. Nath.
"Yeah, fine," Riley said. Thon
ducked behind the curtain and
then scrambled into the gown.
"Uh ... I don't really want to sit."
Dr. Nath slipped behind the curtain.
"Just lean over the exam table, and
that way I shouldn't even need
to lift your bits out of the way."
"Okay, I can do that," said Riley.
Thon had to stand on the step at
the foot, but then it was a good level.
"Yes, that's about what I expected,"
said Dr. Nath. "By the way, you're
starting to grow some labia, though
I don't know how much more they
may develop. We can always
add more if you want to later."
"I'd rather avoid more surgery
if at all possible," Riley said,
not even sure how thon felt
about having labia or not.
"A wise goal," said Dr. Nath.
"Okay, I need to touch now."
"Fffffine," Riley said, trying not
to flinch, because any touch there
was nothing short of miserable now.
"This is much like every other new vagina
that I work with, minus the surgical trauma,"
said Dr. Nath. "It's uncomfortable because
the new skin is raw. The good news is that
I fix this problem all the time -- it's easy."
"That's excellent news," said Dr. G.
"I was hoping it would be similar."
"Really? It's that simple?" Riley said,
startled. Thon hadn't expected that.
"Sure," said Dr. Nath. "I just spray it
with topical anaesthetic, then pack
the channel with gauze soaked in
antibiotic lubricant to keep the walls
from rubbing against each other.
Wait right there for a minute."
She ducked out, and Riley could
hear her murmuring with Dr. G,
but not what they were saying.
"Okay, I'm back," said Dr. Nath.
"Fair warning, this stuff feels like
it's freezing before you go numb."
"YEEK!" Riley screeched. It was cold.
"Just give that a minute to start working,"
said Dr. Nath. "Tell me when you feel it."
It took maybe a couple of minutes for
Riley to calm down enough and pay
attention to a part that thon had
been ignoring for the whole day.
"Yeah, that's less worse," thon said.
"Not great, but an improvement."
"That's good," said Dr. Nath. "Now,
the next part is not fun, but I promise
that afterward you'll feel a lot better."
It was embarrassing and uncomfortable
having something stuffed up there, but
everything was most of the way numb.
"All done," said Dr. Nath. "Stand up.
See if you can close your legs, move
around, and walk normally now."
Riley stood up gingerly. It felt
beyond weird, but it didn't hurt.
Thon could walk without waddling,
too. The stuffing kept the sore edges
from rubbing against each other.
"So much better," Riley said.
"I can't thank you enough."
Dr. Nath grinned at thon.
"I'm happy I could help,"
she said. "Get dressed,
and I'll give you the packet
of aftercare instructions."
Riley changed back, and
then took the care packet.
The pamphlet had a cute girl
with a pink heart over her lap
and read, Your New Vagina.
"Do we need any prescriptions?"
Dr. G asked. "I can pick them up."
"I recommend antibiotics for a week.
That should be enough time to heal,"
said Dr. Nath. "I'll add some pain pills
to use as needed, because some folks
need something stronger at night. For
daytime, over the counter should be fine."
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep during
the last few nights," Riley grumbled.
"Take one before bed and it'll knock you
out for the whole night," said Dr. Nath.
Then she handed Riley two spray cans,
one large and one small. "For home and
travel use. This anaesthetic is designed
for exactly this purpose, so use liberally."
"Thanks," Riley said. "All of this is
weird enough without me feeling
like I'm sitting on an anthill."
Dr. Nath laugh. "Oh, that's
a great description, I'll have
to remember that for later use."
"When should we schedule
the next appointment?"
Dr. G asked her then.
"Three days should do it,"
said Dr. Nath. "I want to see
if this heals at usual speed.
We'll probably want to meet
again a few days after that.
It shouldn't take long to heal."
"That's good to hear," said Riley.
"This is better, but still kind of odd."
"Well, once the new skin heals, you
will have a different step to deal with,
dilation. I can provide some toys and
more instructions," said Dr. Nath. "It's
not a lot of fun at first, but you've got
the spray for that. Later on, it will
be a whole new kind of self-play
for you to explore and enjoy."
"Thanks, I think," Riley said.
Thon wasn't sure about playing
with the new part, but if it would
make things settle down, then
it was probably worth doing.
"I'll take care of the paperwork,"
Dr. G said, and so Dr. Nath
handed him the prescriptions.
On the way out, Dr. G's phone
rang again, this time Riley's father.
Thon listed to Dr. G shredding
the other man's arguments.
It was nice to have someone
defend thon against such attacks.
Riley could get used to this support.
* * *
Notes:
"The only defense against the world is a thorough knowledge of it."
-- John Locke, Some Thoughts Concerning Education
Riley previously appeared in ...
"Disorientation and Reorientation"
"Where You Begin to Heal"
"Where You Begin to Learn New Things"
Gender abuse, medical abuse, and discrimination are common for people who are intersex, transgender, or otherwise outside the socially constructed sex/gender binary.
Here is a typical guide for postoperative care of a new vagina. In cases where a new vagina opens by itself, similar care can improve function and comfort, because the base issue -- new, raw tissue that is hypersensitive -- is pretty much the same in both cases despite the different origins. Yes, intersex people commonly experience natural changes to their sex parts, most often during puberty, which may or may not go as expected.