So Long And Thanks For All The Fish
I don't quite know what to say...
There is still a rift between myself and david. There is still an unknowing in myself in light of recent occurances, let me copy this down....i wrote this on Nikki's computer a while ago when the events had just happened...
subject: A Cut Too Deep
Still very confused, thanks to this weekend.
Allow me to state my side of the occurances.
David D, Corey, Autumn, Fin, and Myself sent last week, from Sunday until Friday doing Zannies, drinking LOTS of beer, and smoking it up. During that time Fin and Autumn were hooking up on the pull out bed at my apartment. She flirted with him, he flirted with her, i thought everything was gravey.
Come Friday, being super binged out at the time, i spent all friday with Corey (and
Frannie, playing with Suzie Jenkins, the coolest rat ever) and then David got off work, then we went to DamGoode to pick up Nikki, Ben, and let Autumn, who was working, know that we were still partying. As we were leaving Damgoode, without Nikki and Ben because they were busy, David made a comment to me about Autumn that she had said something very strange to him. Of course I asked what was said. He told me she had said to him that she had something to tell him later and that it would probably break me and him up. Strange right? I thought so, I told him he was crazy, that she was just freaking about her and Fin, who she didn't remember sleeping with and was spazing out in the kitchen because she called it "rape".
Ok, so me, Corey and David get back to the apartment and hang out waiting for people to show up and David mentions her comment again. I again tell him he's crazy, and so does Corey. We were both like, "she's just wigged out about Fin."
We let it go. Chris, this new guy comes over and I start hanging out with him and everyone, but David gets all pissy that i'm not spending any time with him, which is ridiculous, considering the fact that I live with him, and we were all hanging out at our house. Then Autumn shows up and she wants to talk about her and Fin, and i'm distracted with Chris and Lori Irby (who NEVER comes to hang out, but that night she did). I'm outside talking with Lori one on one and Chris randomly comes out to see what we're up to, and finally Autumn comes out looking all stressed at me, and i'm like "ok Lori, gotta go back up to the party, see you later".
I get back in the house and David is now drunk and pissy still, and Autumn is sitting next to him, and she tells me to sit next to him, which just pisses me off more that he's got everyone feeling sorry for him and i'm the "bad" girlfriend for not hanging off his fucking hip. Well, i sit down and start talking to Nikki who's laying on the floor watching this AMAZING movie called "Baraka". David gets up and goes into the room. Autumn goes into the room. Corey then goes into the room, and i'm assuming they are just trying to get him into a better mood. When they come out, everyone goes home. As everyone is leaving, I start in on David about this whole attitude thing is exactly what i'm talking about, and he fires back with "so you kissed Dante and Zech you slut fucking bitch". At that I immideately walk outside where Ben and Nikki are in Ben's truck and Corey and Autumn are standing next to it talking to them. I look at her and i say "i have kept every secret you've ever fucking had. This was so completely and totally unnecessary" and I turned and walked into the screaming match that is my house.
I explained to David that he's never fully trusted me and that things in fact haven't changed that much between us because he is still so buried within himself and non-communicative with me, and that i feel like i've been loving a stranger this whole time, but that recently he's broken a little of the wall down and that's it's truely beautiful, but that i still can't take his controlling attitude towards me. I told him that i think he's willing to controle me to not lose me, but that it's sad because he can't even open up to the person he can't live without. And that i don't want to be anyone's reason for living, that it's too much pressure, and that yes i wasn't sure if we'd work out very much longer this second time because of all this bullshit. I told him i felt used by him. Used for sex, used for a cure to loneliness, and used as an yet another escape for him from real, everyday life that is so hard for him. We cried a lot, and learned a lot about each other from Friday until Today. We hid from the world together and he finally realized that the quiet prison he likes to keep me in, because he is afraid, is breaking my heart. He said he was sorry, and so did I.
But I still haven't spoken to Autumn, except on the phone. She sliced her arm up, went to the hospital, and told everyone at work the Fin raped her, and that she cut her arm because "that's what Annie used to do". She also posted on David's Myspace that "we all love you!" but didn't put anything on mine. She also said that David made her tell that i kissed those people, but David said she walked into the room and flat out told him. So i am still very confused.
Ben hates me now, thinks that i treat David badly, but he dosn't know what's going on.
That's another thing...Everyone loves David. They think he's so quiet and sweet, which he is, but they also believe he does no wrong, which is wrong. He's hurt me ALOT. No one will ever know the level our co-dependancy reached with each other. We have in fact, equally used each other. And i'm sick and tired of it, while he was willing to let it go on and on, so long as i didn't kiss anyone else, and he didn't lose me. Fuck that. This shit WILL be worked out or we WILL break-up, but at least we love each other enough to try it again and again. I refuse to live like we were living. I refuse to dedicate my life to someone who is unwilling to work with me. But he is, so it's good.
Anyways, this shit is FUCKED UP.
So There you have it....
Anyways...
I believe i need to be single because this complication is too much...
But I also believe that me and David can end things smoothly, and with our love still intact.
I do love him, i do.
We both just need to grow.
I feel that I am the loneliest girl in the world for having stuck with this relationship. I feel there are very few people my age that can relate to the feeling of divorcing someone like I can.
But we have spared each other, we havn't taken all of each others innocence and new discoveries. And in this i feel very relieved.
So anyways, all posts of sadness were in most ways related to the event now posted.
I hope to let this sadness go, but it feels like it's eaten me whole....
-Annie
There is still a rift between myself and david. There is still an unknowing in myself in light of recent occurances, let me copy this down....i wrote this on Nikki's computer a while ago when the events had just happened...
subject: A Cut Too Deep
Still very confused, thanks to this weekend.
Allow me to state my side of the occurances.
David D, Corey, Autumn, Fin, and Myself sent last week, from Sunday until Friday doing Zannies, drinking LOTS of beer, and smoking it up. During that time Fin and Autumn were hooking up on the pull out bed at my apartment. She flirted with him, he flirted with her, i thought everything was gravey.
Come Friday, being super binged out at the time, i spent all friday with Corey (and
Frannie, playing with Suzie Jenkins, the coolest rat ever) and then David got off work, then we went to DamGoode to pick up Nikki, Ben, and let Autumn, who was working, know that we were still partying. As we were leaving Damgoode, without Nikki and Ben because they were busy, David made a comment to me about Autumn that she had said something very strange to him. Of course I asked what was said. He told me she had said to him that she had something to tell him later and that it would probably break me and him up. Strange right? I thought so, I told him he was crazy, that she was just freaking about her and Fin, who she didn't remember sleeping with and was spazing out in the kitchen because she called it "rape".
Ok, so me, Corey and David get back to the apartment and hang out waiting for people to show up and David mentions her comment again. I again tell him he's crazy, and so does Corey. We were both like, "she's just wigged out about Fin."
We let it go. Chris, this new guy comes over and I start hanging out with him and everyone, but David gets all pissy that i'm not spending any time with him, which is ridiculous, considering the fact that I live with him, and we were all hanging out at our house. Then Autumn shows up and she wants to talk about her and Fin, and i'm distracted with Chris and Lori Irby (who NEVER comes to hang out, but that night she did). I'm outside talking with Lori one on one and Chris randomly comes out to see what we're up to, and finally Autumn comes out looking all stressed at me, and i'm like "ok Lori, gotta go back up to the party, see you later".
I get back in the house and David is now drunk and pissy still, and Autumn is sitting next to him, and she tells me to sit next to him, which just pisses me off more that he's got everyone feeling sorry for him and i'm the "bad" girlfriend for not hanging off his fucking hip. Well, i sit down and start talking to Nikki who's laying on the floor watching this AMAZING movie called "Baraka". David gets up and goes into the room. Autumn goes into the room. Corey then goes into the room, and i'm assuming they are just trying to get him into a better mood. When they come out, everyone goes home. As everyone is leaving, I start in on David about this whole attitude thing is exactly what i'm talking about, and he fires back with "so you kissed Dante and Zech you slut fucking bitch". At that I immideately walk outside where Ben and Nikki are in Ben's truck and Corey and Autumn are standing next to it talking to them. I look at her and i say "i have kept every secret you've ever fucking had. This was so completely and totally unnecessary" and I turned and walked into the screaming match that is my house.
I explained to David that he's never fully trusted me and that things in fact haven't changed that much between us because he is still so buried within himself and non-communicative with me, and that i feel like i've been loving a stranger this whole time, but that recently he's broken a little of the wall down and that's it's truely beautiful, but that i still can't take his controlling attitude towards me. I told him that i think he's willing to controle me to not lose me, but that it's sad because he can't even open up to the person he can't live without. And that i don't want to be anyone's reason for living, that it's too much pressure, and that yes i wasn't sure if we'd work out very much longer this second time because of all this bullshit. I told him i felt used by him. Used for sex, used for a cure to loneliness, and used as an yet another escape for him from real, everyday life that is so hard for him. We cried a lot, and learned a lot about each other from Friday until Today. We hid from the world together and he finally realized that the quiet prison he likes to keep me in, because he is afraid, is breaking my heart. He said he was sorry, and so did I.
But I still haven't spoken to Autumn, except on the phone. She sliced her arm up, went to the hospital, and told everyone at work the Fin raped her, and that she cut her arm because "that's what Annie used to do". She also posted on David's Myspace that "we all love you!" but didn't put anything on mine. She also said that David made her tell that i kissed those people, but David said she walked into the room and flat out told him. So i am still very confused.
Ben hates me now, thinks that i treat David badly, but he dosn't know what's going on.
That's another thing...Everyone loves David. They think he's so quiet and sweet, which he is, but they also believe he does no wrong, which is wrong. He's hurt me ALOT. No one will ever know the level our co-dependancy reached with each other. We have in fact, equally used each other. And i'm sick and tired of it, while he was willing to let it go on and on, so long as i didn't kiss anyone else, and he didn't lose me. Fuck that. This shit WILL be worked out or we WILL break-up, but at least we love each other enough to try it again and again. I refuse to live like we were living. I refuse to dedicate my life to someone who is unwilling to work with me. But he is, so it's good.
Anyways, this shit is FUCKED UP.
So There you have it....
Anyways...
I believe i need to be single because this complication is too much...
But I also believe that me and David can end things smoothly, and with our love still intact.
I do love him, i do.
We both just need to grow.
I feel that I am the loneliest girl in the world for having stuck with this relationship. I feel there are very few people my age that can relate to the feeling of divorcing someone like I can.
But we have spared each other, we havn't taken all of each others innocence and new discoveries. And in this i feel very relieved.
So anyways, all posts of sadness were in most ways related to the event now posted.
I hope to let this sadness go, but it feels like it's eaten me whole....
-Annie