There I'll be, like a stone
I finally realized what has been killing me the last couple weeks.
They are all done with college, and therefore done with me. With three weeks left in college, they could at least pretend that they haven't shed me like some dead skin.
These were my best friends, the women I didn't fear to lose because I thought we would stay in touch. Now Jess doesn't even give a shit enough to stay in touch when she fucking lives with me. I remember when we used to revel in each other's company, and now everything I do annoys her. I wish I knew the turning point so I could go back and reverse it, because now I feel like I have no one. No one to hug me, encourage me, give a damn about anything that I do- I feel as if my entire group just rolls their eyes when I come into a room these days. When did it happen? Was it when I announced my intentions to move away? Why am I being punished for wanting to spread my wings? Why am I never enough? Why am I always lonely and afraid at the end of every night and the beginning of every morning?
I thought I could be strong and wouldn't be so lonely all by myself in a new place as long as I had my friends to call. How will I be able to do this?! I have to do this by myself, and I am afraid. Afraid of failing at my chosen career, at my attempts at life and love. At my attempts to find home. Home. I will spend all of my pay check if it meant a home. But I know now that my home means people that love me. And I don't have that anymore.
What am I supposed to do now? I know that they will see this and say "Oh no, we are all just stressed and blah blah blah." For future reference, I don't believe you anymore. There was a time when I could be reassured that my friends were there for me, but now I know them for what they are. Done.
Three weeks left to graduation and I am standing behind all of them, alone.
But I will rise above this. Because I am a fighter, and because one day I will be good enough to deserve all of these things.
I have never felt so lonely in my life.
They are all done with college, and therefore done with me. With three weeks left in college, they could at least pretend that they haven't shed me like some dead skin.
These were my best friends, the women I didn't fear to lose because I thought we would stay in touch. Now Jess doesn't even give a shit enough to stay in touch when she fucking lives with me. I remember when we used to revel in each other's company, and now everything I do annoys her. I wish I knew the turning point so I could go back and reverse it, because now I feel like I have no one. No one to hug me, encourage me, give a damn about anything that I do- I feel as if my entire group just rolls their eyes when I come into a room these days. When did it happen? Was it when I announced my intentions to move away? Why am I being punished for wanting to spread my wings? Why am I never enough? Why am I always lonely and afraid at the end of every night and the beginning of every morning?
I thought I could be strong and wouldn't be so lonely all by myself in a new place as long as I had my friends to call. How will I be able to do this?! I have to do this by myself, and I am afraid. Afraid of failing at my chosen career, at my attempts at life and love. At my attempts to find home. Home. I will spend all of my pay check if it meant a home. But I know now that my home means people that love me. And I don't have that anymore.
What am I supposed to do now? I know that they will see this and say "Oh no, we are all just stressed and blah blah blah." For future reference, I don't believe you anymore. There was a time when I could be reassured that my friends were there for me, but now I know them for what they are. Done.
Three weeks left to graduation and I am standing behind all of them, alone.
But I will rise above this. Because I am a fighter, and because one day I will be good enough to deserve all of these things.
I have never felt so lonely in my life.