love hurts
finally i feel like letting some shit out.
christmas was fun. me and heather took brownie edges to the bartlett house. it felt so great to be doing something for someone else.
i know i am depressed. maybe it is situational? maybe not though. i am not really sure. in the end i guess depression is depression, however you look at it. perhaps that is just self-diagnosis though. maybe every teen goes through these phases of sadness. probably true.
mostly i am lonely. as usual, i know. this is probably the 438943 time i've admitted it, but i think it may be the reason why i am so sad. i guess mostly i hoped i would jump into college and find a good boy and a few good friends and have fun times. instead my few good friends have found a few good guys without me and now i am stuck on the outside. seriously, i think everyone came home this break with someone to call their own. and if they don't have that then they have at least one person who is completely in love with them at school or they have at least one person here who loves them. kind of depressing when i realize i have none of the above. you can beg to differ, but it's true. i mean its just the damn truth and thats just how it has to be sometimes.
second semester will be different...i hope? i will have some more interesting courses to take, plus i'll be coaching track and volunteering at the hospital. i really hope i meet some new friends through my nursing class. maybe i'll get to join the nursing fraternity this semester too. that'd be a good way to meet both guys and girls.
i am also going to admit my jealously. basically i am jealous of everyone who has made good, new friends. i am jealous that they are so happily living in a new place. even those who stayed here seem to be more content than me. they have new friends, they've kept the hold, they're holding themselves together like rubber cement. meanwhile, here i am. jealous, sad, and pissed off that i am not that lucky. it's so easy to say i want/should transfer out of wvu, but there is also a part of me that likes it here. a part of me loves the atmosphere and the parties and some of the cool people i've met. a part of me likes being 15 minutes from home, knowing the backroads when i'm driving with out-of-towners, and walking to work each day in a comforting place.
i think i am pissed because i want people to know how much fun wvu really is for me sometimes but i get this impression that since i stayed in morgantown, they already know how i party here and what it's like to go to school here. i mean it is similar in some ways, but also completely different. i guess i can't explain it in a way that anyone would understand who has never actually gone to wvu and lived in the dorms here and hung out with completely new people. i just want people to understand that even though i spent 1 1/2 years growing up here, college is still different than high school.
i feel like i am so much less respected because i chose to stay here. it's not like my friends put me or wvu down, but i just feel like i can't add in any fun stories or any good times that i've had because they will see it as though they experienced the same scenarios when they lived here in high school.
actually i am probably completely off base and that is so untrue its probably sickening, but i don't know what else to think about it.
christmas was fun. me and heather took brownie edges to the bartlett house. it felt so great to be doing something for someone else.
i know i am depressed. maybe it is situational? maybe not though. i am not really sure. in the end i guess depression is depression, however you look at it. perhaps that is just self-diagnosis though. maybe every teen goes through these phases of sadness. probably true.
mostly i am lonely. as usual, i know. this is probably the 438943 time i've admitted it, but i think it may be the reason why i am so sad. i guess mostly i hoped i would jump into college and find a good boy and a few good friends and have fun times. instead my few good friends have found a few good guys without me and now i am stuck on the outside. seriously, i think everyone came home this break with someone to call their own. and if they don't have that then they have at least one person who is completely in love with them at school or they have at least one person here who loves them. kind of depressing when i realize i have none of the above. you can beg to differ, but it's true. i mean its just the damn truth and thats just how it has to be sometimes.
second semester will be different...i hope? i will have some more interesting courses to take, plus i'll be coaching track and volunteering at the hospital. i really hope i meet some new friends through my nursing class. maybe i'll get to join the nursing fraternity this semester too. that'd be a good way to meet both guys and girls.
i am also going to admit my jealously. basically i am jealous of everyone who has made good, new friends. i am jealous that they are so happily living in a new place. even those who stayed here seem to be more content than me. they have new friends, they've kept the hold, they're holding themselves together like rubber cement. meanwhile, here i am. jealous, sad, and pissed off that i am not that lucky. it's so easy to say i want/should transfer out of wvu, but there is also a part of me that likes it here. a part of me loves the atmosphere and the parties and some of the cool people i've met. a part of me likes being 15 minutes from home, knowing the backroads when i'm driving with out-of-towners, and walking to work each day in a comforting place.
i think i am pissed because i want people to know how much fun wvu really is for me sometimes but i get this impression that since i stayed in morgantown, they already know how i party here and what it's like to go to school here. i mean it is similar in some ways, but also completely different. i guess i can't explain it in a way that anyone would understand who has never actually gone to wvu and lived in the dorms here and hung out with completely new people. i just want people to understand that even though i spent 1 1/2 years growing up here, college is still different than high school.
i feel like i am so much less respected because i chose to stay here. it's not like my friends put me or wvu down, but i just feel like i can't add in any fun stories or any good times that i've had because they will see it as though they experienced the same scenarios when they lived here in high school.
actually i am probably completely off base and that is so untrue its probably sickening, but i don't know what else to think about it.