just downloaded some wonderful tunes
i think i decided what is wrong with me. it seems like i just have a lot of inner conflict going on and it makes me struggle with a lot of different things in my life. i mean i struggle with eating and such, but thats not really new.
i guess its more like a battle of what i should do and what i do instead and where i should be and where i am instead and who i love and who i dont and who i care about and who i shouldnt care about and who i really should care about. i dunno its weird if you actually think about all the different battles within yourself. i dont really want to get specific but i am sure everyone can think of something within themselves that they struggle against.
i think about last summer and i miss it. i looked through pictures the other day and it made me really sad. but then again i sometimes think about how fucked up last was for me. i mean i loved the people i hung out with, and the places we went and the things we did, but i personally was in really bad shape. makes me sad to think of how i hurt myself on the outside because i couldnt deal with the emotions on the inside. sometimes i worry i will fall back into that again and sometimes i even hope i do. is that bad to say? yeah it is, but sometimes when things hurt you go back to what makes you feel better and for me it is food.
sometimes i wish i believed in god more. i know theres gotta be something out there that we can't see or even come close to understanding, but i swear that some days just seem different and i know it is because someone is up there watching out for everyone. whenever i have a moment of peace and actually let go of my selfishness and realize the beauty of the things around me i swear god or whoever it is up there makes things as pretty as possible because he/she knows i dont stop to think of things other than myself very often.
but anyway maybe if i trusted a higher power more then i would be able to get rid of all these inner problems and just realize that this life is beautiful. wait, i just said that so i do realize that it is. i guess i need someone to help me understand that i shoiuld APPRECIATE the beauty of life and not just see it.
i love fireworks and the 4th of july. i miss kissing under the stars and in the rain. i would give a lot to have someone make me dinner or take me for a walk spontaneously. i wish i had someone to cuddle with during the summer storms. i miss playing soccer and being on a team. i think about the words i've said to people and i wish i could take some of them back. music always makes me feel better, even in the hardest times. i miss you, even now...
i guess its more like a battle of what i should do and what i do instead and where i should be and where i am instead and who i love and who i dont and who i care about and who i shouldnt care about and who i really should care about. i dunno its weird if you actually think about all the different battles within yourself. i dont really want to get specific but i am sure everyone can think of something within themselves that they struggle against.
i think about last summer and i miss it. i looked through pictures the other day and it made me really sad. but then again i sometimes think about how fucked up last was for me. i mean i loved the people i hung out with, and the places we went and the things we did, but i personally was in really bad shape. makes me sad to think of how i hurt myself on the outside because i couldnt deal with the emotions on the inside. sometimes i worry i will fall back into that again and sometimes i even hope i do. is that bad to say? yeah it is, but sometimes when things hurt you go back to what makes you feel better and for me it is food.
sometimes i wish i believed in god more. i know theres gotta be something out there that we can't see or even come close to understanding, but i swear that some days just seem different and i know it is because someone is up there watching out for everyone. whenever i have a moment of peace and actually let go of my selfishness and realize the beauty of the things around me i swear god or whoever it is up there makes things as pretty as possible because he/she knows i dont stop to think of things other than myself very often.
but anyway maybe if i trusted a higher power more then i would be able to get rid of all these inner problems and just realize that this life is beautiful. wait, i just said that so i do realize that it is. i guess i need someone to help me understand that i shoiuld APPRECIATE the beauty of life and not just see it.
i love fireworks and the 4th of july. i miss kissing under the stars and in the rain. i would give a lot to have someone make me dinner or take me for a walk spontaneously. i wish i had someone to cuddle with during the summer storms. i miss playing soccer and being on a team. i think about the words i've said to people and i wish i could take some of them back. music always makes me feel better, even in the hardest times. i miss you, even now...