My box of hope got lost in the mail but I found it!
My little box of sadness is taking a vacation.A little gift box arrived today wrapped up in hope and Sarah McLachlan music.It also had a link to a website Girl at Play.Its not your ordinary inspirational website is better than that.After reading about her esicion to fight for a dream I felt much better.
I feel much better now.However I feel that my mood comes and goes.Its been like this for the past few years.Im sure something is missing that doesn't let me get a balance.And this yerar i've had more breakdowns(crying in school for nothing important,having outbursts,feeling sad and sleepy) than ever.I need to get some balance and im starting to look for it.
I've decided that whenever I can I will post something i've wrote that day.Whether its little or about an odd topic.I'll ake that leap of faith.This time with no expectations.I just want to write and write.That was the original purpose of this.
To begin with,I wrote something yesterday while I was crying.It might have big errors but its something.
I actually wanted to be a car mechanic once.Can you believe it?Gasoline smell,grease stains all over me.It sounded beautiful at the time for me because no one was expecting me to take that route.
I was very young when I became a predictable person.Quiet,reserved known also as arrogant at times.Those were my names in schoolI was also known as fragile.To their eyes I was blind to the reality of the world and i guess in a way,I still am.
But all those adjectives,all those thoughts and opinions were still wrong.That wasn't me.I wasn't quiet,i could never shut up when I was at home or with my friends.I wasn't arrogant,I was shy,afraid that they might not help me when i needed so i didn't help them back.And as for fragile ..I guss they saw it physically speaking but I was also emotionally fragile.
I grew up in a box made of the best kind of satin.So protected that I barely had any childhood friends.Friendship is still a mystery to me but a mystery that I enjoy having in my life.My family wasn't like in the movies and I got lost.
I found a place to hide,I built my own box.It was a box made of the cheapest material:anger.It was a box of sadness that conforted me at night and hugged me while I cried.Its commonly calle self-pity.
Self-pity grows inside of you like a cancer,like all the bad habits I learned.It broke me from the inside till it reached the box and made its walls crumble.I then fell apart.
Time to make a desicion suddenly arrives.Youre almost a the end of your childhood,almost a woman and you've got a life ashead of you just aiting to begin.Colleges to visit,careers to choose,applications and many hard desicions.But I didn't know which road to take,where to begin.
I did try to find it while I was insideof that black box.However the box also stopped me from taking a leap of faith and perhaps finding my answer.
I've noticed some people try to find the answer in people.Most of the time they search is unsuccesful.I atttempted the same metho but I met some teachers along the wayI learned that sometimes people indeed try to help you but its too hard for you to comprehend your guidance.
I was always afraid of being blind,and now I realize I've been blind all my life.I covered my eyes because it was toomuch pain for me to handle.Because why me?Why should I handle it when others get the easy way?
During one of my few moments of sight,I thought on being a psychologist.I still don't know how good of a choice is that but I knew why I had taken it.I wantd to know if I was wrong.Maybe Im ill,borderline or deppresive,I thought and maybe there was a scientific explanation and a medical remedy.
My second reason was that I wanted to be useful.I wanted to help people find their way sooner than I did.I also felt it was a very healing thing in the long run.Now I had a purpose.
But I forgot to mention,Lucy as I like to call it.My inner demon.We all have them,have you noticed.I always fell because of her 'help',she covered my eyes and encourage me to do so.And I listened to that inner voice because she wasn't blind to my suffering like so many others.She knew hat it was like.However she did not help.
I told people what I wanted to be and they were all happy for me.But i knew they were expecting me to take that choice.In their eyes I was the odd girl.
The words 'Don't isten' don't ring i my head.Because I can't close my ears off to these dark thoughts.I did' want them to see my life as predictable.I wanted to surprise some.
Back to the road never traveled you might ask:Why did you chose to think you'd be a mechanic instead?At the time I saw it to be a challenge.A chalenge ot only intellectually but emotional.By doing something so complex I could learn to be a stronger person.That fragile stereotype woul fall.I'd be able to walk on my two feet,I'd find my balance.
Suffice to say,car mechanics or ingeneers weren't the careers that would make me happy.I still however needed the money.
Money might not buy you happiness but it keeps it sustain it.Marriages,children,houses they are not only sustained by love, are they?
Enter stage second of my blindness:my need for money.
Architecture is a beautiful career for those who haven't even studied it and for those who are rich.Have you seen Architectural Digest?Beautiful but a long way from here.
Architecture was a great way to have money and express my creativity but I wanted more than that.Why did everything I tried out ,as exciting and appealing it sounded left me unfullfilled?Was it because I wanted too much?
I was a kid when I began liking way too many things.I would dance when I was ill,sing at the top of my lungs(neighbors said it) and drawbecause it was a challenge.For the life of me I couldn't do a woman's lips or eyes.It was frustrating.Five year old me though was wise.She began to draw and learned she had talent.Five year old me had no fear.And five year old me go lost in time and was never found again.
Enter stage three:Little old me.I read in the alchemist that when you were a kid you knew what you wanted to do in life.What mattered most to you was revealed to you.As you grew up you encountered rocks along the way that strayed you from your true path.I guess that happened with me.
I read that,anlyzed that and began to think.My younger self seemed so much wiser than me.Thats when I chose to go back to dance school.My first good choice in years.
My spirits were lifted and it seemed I didn't need a box anymore.I could be free and it was okay.For one precious hour a week it was okay to fly.
My box and Lucy were waiting for me with open arms when I began to fall.I took refuge in them but I tried ignoring Lucy.I would stay on dance school.
I kept looking through my past,my five year old self and found ..my voice.
That was my way to reach people,the reason was so quiet,the reason no one knew me anymore.I hadn't spoken honestly or sang in years.
I learned many things while analyzing five year old me which I will henceforth be known as Novalee.Novalee had expressed herself very openly until one classmate told her that she had no talent.They hurt her and they tried to take away their talent from her.She dissapeared and became me.I forgot how to say the right words because I lived to please the masses.As long as I could keep my friends ,I'd make sacrifices because I felt lonely.Guess what?It didn't have to be that way anymore.
I took another choice and I entered music school.I also began trying to find Novalee.Because I needed to learn to speak again,my voice lay rusty in an old shelf andI wanted myself back.I had gotten used to the loneliness but I realizedI could take another road.I started to speak but even today my words are still entangled with the old ones.I haven't learned the art .. yet.
I kept on driving,through ideas,psychology,architecture,visual arts,dance but I couldn't find my home.And what is home? A place to crash?A feeling of stability?The click in your brain that tells you when its okay to cry?A friend?A religion?
Why,I had no real home.When would I stop feeling so empty?
There was a teacher in my clasroom that would say that it was up to me.But how if I didn't know the way.How couldI cure my disease without knowing its cause?ell me,can you succesfully cure an illness without knowing its origins?
Answers came like stars burning bright at night.It began with me meeting a friend that lives about 3000 light years from me.:)She helped me speak, didn't have to pretend anymore.She trusted me,which people rarely did.Finding a person who wanted to listen to me was the most surprising thing that has happened to me in this year.Part of my little orbit began to regain balance.
Maybe love does that to you.Maybe when its unexpected it opens your eyes.Because when youre in shock,happy or scared your eyes open big.Mine did too.
Vocal Performance Major or Bachelor Degree in Music(which in case you didn't know covers voice technique and choir direction).Did you read the previous words?I found it!I found it!By accident too!
I had never considered studying something like it.Now youre free to wonder why.It won' pay much in the long run.But then thats not the only thing I wanna do in my life,its just a start.I could reach God by singing.Because if I sing I don't fall asleep,If I sing I can listen to him,If I sing I feel myself again.
I want,need to take that leap of faith.I read once that loving oneself was the only way to truly love and appreciate someone elses affections.If I can sing,like dancing it gives me some sense of belonging.If I can do this then Im free to take other leaps of faith.If Iturn out good in this I can regain the confidence I once lost.
Singing comes from the soul.Like writing it nourishes your sould and gives your life ameaning.Everything now falls into place.My road map is traced and i know faith can be tricky but now I know where I want to begin.
Psychology however is not off my list.There are places I want to go.I want to study medicine in some way and help others.I wish to learn Braillein case I get blind for real.I want to learn at least two foreign languages.
I've found the answer.It spend year hidden beneath the surface and now it sees the light.I feel happy for now because I fell and im getting up.And I know I will fall again but each day my I get some hope to hold on to.
The icon on this post was made by me.Go me!
To the readers:Good day and go see Love Actually!I haven't seen it myself but satisfaction is guaranteed!
*leaves to sleep.*
I feel much better now.However I feel that my mood comes and goes.Its been like this for the past few years.Im sure something is missing that doesn't let me get a balance.And this yerar i've had more breakdowns(crying in school for nothing important,having outbursts,feeling sad and sleepy) than ever.I need to get some balance and im starting to look for it.
I've decided that whenever I can I will post something i've wrote that day.Whether its little or about an odd topic.I'll ake that leap of faith.This time with no expectations.I just want to write and write.That was the original purpose of this.
To begin with,I wrote something yesterday while I was crying.It might have big errors but its something.
I actually wanted to be a car mechanic once.Can you believe it?Gasoline smell,grease stains all over me.It sounded beautiful at the time for me because no one was expecting me to take that route.
I was very young when I became a predictable person.Quiet,reserved known also as arrogant at times.Those were my names in schoolI was also known as fragile.To their eyes I was blind to the reality of the world and i guess in a way,I still am.
But all those adjectives,all those thoughts and opinions were still wrong.That wasn't me.I wasn't quiet,i could never shut up when I was at home or with my friends.I wasn't arrogant,I was shy,afraid that they might not help me when i needed so i didn't help them back.And as for fragile ..I guss they saw it physically speaking but I was also emotionally fragile.
I grew up in a box made of the best kind of satin.So protected that I barely had any childhood friends.Friendship is still a mystery to me but a mystery that I enjoy having in my life.My family wasn't like in the movies and I got lost.
I found a place to hide,I built my own box.It was a box made of the cheapest material:anger.It was a box of sadness that conforted me at night and hugged me while I cried.Its commonly calle self-pity.
Self-pity grows inside of you like a cancer,like all the bad habits I learned.It broke me from the inside till it reached the box and made its walls crumble.I then fell apart.
Time to make a desicion suddenly arrives.Youre almost a the end of your childhood,almost a woman and you've got a life ashead of you just aiting to begin.Colleges to visit,careers to choose,applications and many hard desicions.But I didn't know which road to take,where to begin.
I did try to find it while I was insideof that black box.However the box also stopped me from taking a leap of faith and perhaps finding my answer.
I've noticed some people try to find the answer in people.Most of the time they search is unsuccesful.I atttempted the same metho but I met some teachers along the wayI learned that sometimes people indeed try to help you but its too hard for you to comprehend your guidance.
I was always afraid of being blind,and now I realize I've been blind all my life.I covered my eyes because it was toomuch pain for me to handle.Because why me?Why should I handle it when others get the easy way?
During one of my few moments of sight,I thought on being a psychologist.I still don't know how good of a choice is that but I knew why I had taken it.I wantd to know if I was wrong.Maybe Im ill,borderline or deppresive,I thought and maybe there was a scientific explanation and a medical remedy.
My second reason was that I wanted to be useful.I wanted to help people find their way sooner than I did.I also felt it was a very healing thing in the long run.Now I had a purpose.
But I forgot to mention,Lucy as I like to call it.My inner demon.We all have them,have you noticed.I always fell because of her 'help',she covered my eyes and encourage me to do so.And I listened to that inner voice because she wasn't blind to my suffering like so many others.She knew hat it was like.However she did not help.
I told people what I wanted to be and they were all happy for me.But i knew they were expecting me to take that choice.In their eyes I was the odd girl.
The words 'Don't isten' don't ring i my head.Because I can't close my ears off to these dark thoughts.I did' want them to see my life as predictable.I wanted to surprise some.
Back to the road never traveled you might ask:Why did you chose to think you'd be a mechanic instead?At the time I saw it to be a challenge.A chalenge ot only intellectually but emotional.By doing something so complex I could learn to be a stronger person.That fragile stereotype woul fall.I'd be able to walk on my two feet,I'd find my balance.
Suffice to say,car mechanics or ingeneers weren't the careers that would make me happy.I still however needed the money.
Money might not buy you happiness but it keeps it sustain it.Marriages,children,houses they are not only sustained by love, are they?
Enter stage second of my blindness:my need for money.
Architecture is a beautiful career for those who haven't even studied it and for those who are rich.Have you seen Architectural Digest?Beautiful but a long way from here.
Architecture was a great way to have money and express my creativity but I wanted more than that.Why did everything I tried out ,as exciting and appealing it sounded left me unfullfilled?Was it because I wanted too much?
I was a kid when I began liking way too many things.I would dance when I was ill,sing at the top of my lungs(neighbors said it) and drawbecause it was a challenge.For the life of me I couldn't do a woman's lips or eyes.It was frustrating.Five year old me though was wise.She began to draw and learned she had talent.Five year old me had no fear.And five year old me go lost in time and was never found again.
Enter stage three:Little old me.I read in the alchemist that when you were a kid you knew what you wanted to do in life.What mattered most to you was revealed to you.As you grew up you encountered rocks along the way that strayed you from your true path.I guess that happened with me.
I read that,anlyzed that and began to think.My younger self seemed so much wiser than me.Thats when I chose to go back to dance school.My first good choice in years.
My spirits were lifted and it seemed I didn't need a box anymore.I could be free and it was okay.For one precious hour a week it was okay to fly.
My box and Lucy were waiting for me with open arms when I began to fall.I took refuge in them but I tried ignoring Lucy.I would stay on dance school.
I kept looking through my past,my five year old self and found ..my voice.
That was my way to reach people,the reason was so quiet,the reason no one knew me anymore.I hadn't spoken honestly or sang in years.
I learned many things while analyzing five year old me which I will henceforth be known as Novalee.Novalee had expressed herself very openly until one classmate told her that she had no talent.They hurt her and they tried to take away their talent from her.She dissapeared and became me.I forgot how to say the right words because I lived to please the masses.As long as I could keep my friends ,I'd make sacrifices because I felt lonely.Guess what?It didn't have to be that way anymore.
I took another choice and I entered music school.I also began trying to find Novalee.Because I needed to learn to speak again,my voice lay rusty in an old shelf andI wanted myself back.I had gotten used to the loneliness but I realizedI could take another road.I started to speak but even today my words are still entangled with the old ones.I haven't learned the art .. yet.
I kept on driving,through ideas,psychology,architecture,visual arts,dance but I couldn't find my home.And what is home? A place to crash?A feeling of stability?The click in your brain that tells you when its okay to cry?A friend?A religion?
Why,I had no real home.When would I stop feeling so empty?
There was a teacher in my clasroom that would say that it was up to me.But how if I didn't know the way.How couldI cure my disease without knowing its cause?ell me,can you succesfully cure an illness without knowing its origins?
Answers came like stars burning bright at night.It began with me meeting a friend that lives about 3000 light years from me.:)She helped me speak, didn't have to pretend anymore.She trusted me,which people rarely did.Finding a person who wanted to listen to me was the most surprising thing that has happened to me in this year.Part of my little orbit began to regain balance.
Maybe love does that to you.Maybe when its unexpected it opens your eyes.Because when youre in shock,happy or scared your eyes open big.Mine did too.
Vocal Performance Major or Bachelor Degree in Music(which in case you didn't know covers voice technique and choir direction).Did you read the previous words?I found it!I found it!By accident too!
I had never considered studying something like it.Now youre free to wonder why.It won' pay much in the long run.But then thats not the only thing I wanna do in my life,its just a start.I could reach God by singing.Because if I sing I don't fall asleep,If I sing I can listen to him,If I sing I feel myself again.
I want,need to take that leap of faith.I read once that loving oneself was the only way to truly love and appreciate someone elses affections.If I can sing,like dancing it gives me some sense of belonging.If I can do this then Im free to take other leaps of faith.If Iturn out good in this I can regain the confidence I once lost.
Singing comes from the soul.Like writing it nourishes your sould and gives your life ameaning.Everything now falls into place.My road map is traced and i know faith can be tricky but now I know where I want to begin.
Psychology however is not off my list.There are places I want to go.I want to study medicine in some way and help others.I wish to learn Braillein case I get blind for real.I want to learn at least two foreign languages.
I've found the answer.It spend year hidden beneath the surface and now it sees the light.I feel happy for now because I fell and im getting up.And I know I will fall again but each day my I get some hope to hold on to.
The icon on this post was made by me.Go me!
To the readers:Good day and go see Love Actually!I haven't seen it myself but satisfaction is guaranteed!
*leaves to sleep.*