(no subject)
while it is really difficult for me to admit that someone else is right, or better than me... I do it from time to time.
I'm waay too impatient for my own good.
And I kind of wish that people wouldn't give me advice, because I've built my entire Heather-ness empire on my own advice to me.. I don't follow. I do what I do. And I don't give a DAMN.
Or so I'd have people think.
But at the same time as I just want to kill everyone who tells me "you should [insert ridiculously over-zealous and probably never in a million years going to work idea here]!" I appreciate it. But then when I come home and I want to put stickers over the faces of my ex boyfriend's pictures which are hanging on MY walls.. I don't want anyone to try to "therapify" me. I just don't want to look at him anymore. I'm just not okay with this.
I'm on edge and I'm going nuts because I want everything to work out.. I do.. but then I take a step back and look at the big picture of things, and I have to admit that even as confident as i am.. I feel like no one will ever find me attractive, because when it was balls to the wall.. i was not enough. I can't say that i'm to blame at all.. but I just don't know how I'll ever pursue another relationship with anyone, without fearing the same thing's going to just happen.
And how can I work with him and stand literally 3 inches away from him while someone cracks jokes about gay guys? And I stupidly blurted out EVERYTHING to him one night..
ARGH.
Why can't I even keep my own secrets? Why do I have to meet someone incredible and then open up my mouth and basically say "HEY LOOK AT ME.. I'M A FUCKIN' TRAIN WRECK! LOOK!! I'M DAMAGED! MY PAST IS SHADY AND I DATED A GAY GUY FOR 2 YEARS WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HE WAS GAY!! STARE AT ME!!! BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY... I STILL WANT YOU TO WANT ME."
and not see me as a freak.
I don't care if I'm seen as a goddess or anything.. I just don't want to be seen as a goblin.
I have to work on impulse control. I just can't stop things from randomly flying out my mouth.
example.
listening to music (Hawthorne Heights, saying sorry, to be exact) I say "ooh, hawthorne he--
can we change the song because this song was left on my voicemail repeatedly for almost a month by a crazy ex"
another example.
My stalker (bad, boo hiss guy) comes to turn in his work uniform and get his final paycheck. And what do I do but wait until as soon as he walks out the door to start blabbering all loud about how i'm so glad his freaky ass doesn't work there anymore.
i wish something in my brain would remind my tongue that not everyone gives a damn about my damaged self..
and that myabe I'd do better to conceal some of that....
dhsajklfhasjkl;
In other news.
Bitches, I saw PANIC! AT THE DISCO yesterday.
hahahahahahahahaha
AND YOU DINNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or if you did that's nice too.
BUT I WAS IN THE PIT
FLIPPING MY SHIT
DROPPING ABOMINABLE ELBOWS
ON LITTLE SKANK PRETEEN HOES!!!
yessssss.
and i swear i lost 5 pounds to sweat and excitement, and the bazillion mile walk to and from our car (we parked on fugate if you know what I mean)
Oh, and also. I was on the news last night after the concert. Yep. Me, Brandi, and RENE ROMO son! I called my mom and she dvr'ed it for me. so if anyone wants to see, I have proof.
i want a sony cybershot camera. -sigh- guess I should start saving now....
I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I'm waay too impatient for my own good.
And I kind of wish that people wouldn't give me advice, because I've built my entire Heather-ness empire on my own advice to me.. I don't follow. I do what I do. And I don't give a DAMN.
Or so I'd have people think.
But at the same time as I just want to kill everyone who tells me "you should [insert ridiculously over-zealous and probably never in a million years going to work idea here]!" I appreciate it. But then when I come home and I want to put stickers over the faces of my ex boyfriend's pictures which are hanging on MY walls.. I don't want anyone to try to "therapify" me. I just don't want to look at him anymore. I'm just not okay with this.
I'm on edge and I'm going nuts because I want everything to work out.. I do.. but then I take a step back and look at the big picture of things, and I have to admit that even as confident as i am.. I feel like no one will ever find me attractive, because when it was balls to the wall.. i was not enough. I can't say that i'm to blame at all.. but I just don't know how I'll ever pursue another relationship with anyone, without fearing the same thing's going to just happen.
And how can I work with him and stand literally 3 inches away from him while someone cracks jokes about gay guys? And I stupidly blurted out EVERYTHING to him one night..
ARGH.
Why can't I even keep my own secrets? Why do I have to meet someone incredible and then open up my mouth and basically say "HEY LOOK AT ME.. I'M A FUCKIN' TRAIN WRECK! LOOK!! I'M DAMAGED! MY PAST IS SHADY AND I DATED A GAY GUY FOR 2 YEARS WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HE WAS GAY!! STARE AT ME!!! BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY... I STILL WANT YOU TO WANT ME."
and not see me as a freak.
I don't care if I'm seen as a goddess or anything.. I just don't want to be seen as a goblin.
I have to work on impulse control. I just can't stop things from randomly flying out my mouth.
example.
listening to music (Hawthorne Heights, saying sorry, to be exact) I say "ooh, hawthorne he--
can we change the song because this song was left on my voicemail repeatedly for almost a month by a crazy ex"
another example.
My stalker (bad, boo hiss guy) comes to turn in his work uniform and get his final paycheck. And what do I do but wait until as soon as he walks out the door to start blabbering all loud about how i'm so glad his freaky ass doesn't work there anymore.
i wish something in my brain would remind my tongue that not everyone gives a damn about my damaged self..
and that myabe I'd do better to conceal some of that....
dhsajklfhasjkl;
In other news.
Bitches, I saw PANIC! AT THE DISCO yesterday.
hahahahahahahahaha
AND YOU DINNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or if you did that's nice too.
BUT I WAS IN THE PIT
FLIPPING MY SHIT
DROPPING ABOMINABLE ELBOWS
ON LITTLE SKANK PRETEEN HOES!!!
yessssss.
and i swear i lost 5 pounds to sweat and excitement, and the bazillion mile walk to and from our car (we parked on fugate if you know what I mean)
Oh, and also. I was on the news last night after the concert. Yep. Me, Brandi, and RENE ROMO son! I called my mom and she dvr'ed it for me. so if anyone wants to see, I have proof.
i want a sony cybershot camera. -sigh- guess I should start saving now....
I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.