(no subject)
the bulk of the time i spend after dark i spend on the verge of tears. or crying. for whatever reason. right now, because people feel the same as me. and that sucks. this is a shit predicament. i feel my teeth. they fucking hurt. i cant drink the water, its too cold. i sit in front of a computer, a book or a notebook and eat food all day. and bitch about how my room has now windows but it has a vent so when the rest of the house is heated my room hotboxs and i cant stand fucking heat anyway and everyone knows that and my head fucking throbs its fucking painful and i cant think and it renders me impotent mentally impotent i cant tolerate this shit. im trying to start an indy courier company. like every other failed plan ive ever had. im getting far with the planning thou. i plotted the areas of the city were going to be willing to work in and did all the measurements. i found out id been riding my bike about 9 miles everyday. thats pretty damn smooth. i think im going to make this journal friends only once i figure out how. i remembered a nightmare i had where my stepmother finds this and copys it all before i can do anything about it and then uses it as evidence that im fucking crazy and gets me locked up. i had a dream a couple days ago that i was in my old room and there were domesticated rats in a shoebox in my closet and than i went over to the other room and the door connecting it to the bathroom was open and my brother was sitting on the floor and he had long black hair and was cutting it into some crazy punk rock shit. he was dressed real goofy thou and he called his converse chuckees. im so god damn tired of being unhappy and in shit situations. and having noone to talk to but a fucking computer. when i was on the phone today it felt so akward and thats when i realized i hadnt had a phone conversation for the sake of having a conversation in god knows how long. i had a good productive conversation with joe last night. it was long and involved and about the self destructive nature of all of us and all of the people we know and how we fucking watch our friends and ourselves die. dead in 3 years. dead in 3 years. dead in 4 even thou he doesnt want to wait that long but hes an unlucky bastard. dead in 3 years.
friday night i sit down and talk to this woman i know for a long time. shes 54 but looks older than she is. she tells me about getting fucked over, about another friend of mine trying to hit her with her cane because his heads all fucked up from substance abuse. shes a fucking good person who helps people out and doesnt fuck people over and always gets fucked over. she tells me about how her sisters dying in texas and she been saving up to get there and people keep on stealing from her. shes crying and im crying thru alot of the conversation. i keep on repeating its fucked up its fucked up. she keeps on calling me booh. i walk around the corner and plan on calming down walk up to ian and he rolls a cigarette for me i get a couple drags than cutscene and the person i planned on talking to about it is sitting on the ground with fucking blood on her face and at first i think shes laughing and dont notice the blood than i realize shes crying than i see the blood and i dont know what the fuck to do but theres no apparent threat at the moment so i try just sitting and letting shit calm down and think about what im going to do before i do it and i just put my hand on her shoulder and dont say anything and theres about 10 drunk kids getting ready to kick the shit out of someone she gets up dan sits down he asks me what happened i start explaining it to the best of my abilities and than shes in the drivers seat and tys holding the door open and shes yelling and i pull ty back and dont think shes going to drive off i just dont think beating the shit out of the kid is going to solve anything at the moment as she kept saying he didnt know what the fuck was going on and than they fucking haul ass into the street and my car paranoia kicks and and i see them go down the street swerving back and forth. grab my pack walk away dont say anything to anyone keep walking keep walking cut thru some prom bullshit hop a fence and theyre not where i expect them to be. fuck fuck fuck. start cursing in the general direction of no one. keep walking and than run into danny. im using a tigers eye like a fuckin stress ball. dannys probably the best person i could have run into at the moment. calmed me the fuck down. talked for a long time. walked to get coffee than some papers than after wed talked enough that i was able to smile when merited we ended up smoking. after wards i was sitting there introverted as fuck and i kept on thinking i shouldnt have and i should have stayed sober.
what a bunch of shit.
shit shit. and everyone keeps getting arrested.
i just crushed a mosquito and his body molded perfectly into the groove of one of the lines on my palm. fucking weird.
friday night i sit down and talk to this woman i know for a long time. shes 54 but looks older than she is. she tells me about getting fucked over, about another friend of mine trying to hit her with her cane because his heads all fucked up from substance abuse. shes a fucking good person who helps people out and doesnt fuck people over and always gets fucked over. she tells me about how her sisters dying in texas and she been saving up to get there and people keep on stealing from her. shes crying and im crying thru alot of the conversation. i keep on repeating its fucked up its fucked up. she keeps on calling me booh. i walk around the corner and plan on calming down walk up to ian and he rolls a cigarette for me i get a couple drags than cutscene and the person i planned on talking to about it is sitting on the ground with fucking blood on her face and at first i think shes laughing and dont notice the blood than i realize shes crying than i see the blood and i dont know what the fuck to do but theres no apparent threat at the moment so i try just sitting and letting shit calm down and think about what im going to do before i do it and i just put my hand on her shoulder and dont say anything and theres about 10 drunk kids getting ready to kick the shit out of someone she gets up dan sits down he asks me what happened i start explaining it to the best of my abilities and than shes in the drivers seat and tys holding the door open and shes yelling and i pull ty back and dont think shes going to drive off i just dont think beating the shit out of the kid is going to solve anything at the moment as she kept saying he didnt know what the fuck was going on and than they fucking haul ass into the street and my car paranoia kicks and and i see them go down the street swerving back and forth. grab my pack walk away dont say anything to anyone keep walking keep walking cut thru some prom bullshit hop a fence and theyre not where i expect them to be. fuck fuck fuck. start cursing in the general direction of no one. keep walking and than run into danny. im using a tigers eye like a fuckin stress ball. dannys probably the best person i could have run into at the moment. calmed me the fuck down. talked for a long time. walked to get coffee than some papers than after wed talked enough that i was able to smile when merited we ended up smoking. after wards i was sitting there introverted as fuck and i kept on thinking i shouldnt have and i should have stayed sober.
what a bunch of shit.
shit shit. and everyone keeps getting arrested.
i just crushed a mosquito and his body molded perfectly into the groove of one of the lines on my palm. fucking weird.