(no subject)
you know, the only thing that's going well in my life is the shop. and even that is hanging in the balance. or maybe i'm just a person who's never satisfied. but we'll get to more on the shop later.
you have no idea how bad i'm feeling now, or how hard i'm crying, or how often i cry myself to sleep when i'm depressed. do you even know how often i tire myself up staying up to do things or watch shows on my lappy just so i won't have to face my thoughts in that window of time where you lie down and do nothing before you sleep?
i know the more i tell you about my feelings, the more irritated you'll get cos you'll say i don't understand that you're busy. i understand that you're busy and unwell, and i know that you have alot of shit going on in your life now. just that all i want to do is be close to you, but you won't even allow that.
close, is a relative term of course. to some, all it means is, - i don't even wanna go there, because i've let too many shitty people into my life too fast, by choice or otherwise. how did i get to this point? i'd like to think that they've trespassed into my world, but really, i've stepped into theirs. notice how i use stepped and not trespassed in the latter, because its always ok to take a step downwards, but so not cool to force your way into a world above yours. i'd say i regret stepping into this grimy little world, but the truth is, we live on a very small island, so needs must.
i'd go for days at a time, depressed and quiet, and yet you'd either not notice, or pretend not to notice, or better yet, choose to take it as a form of me making trouble for you. have you not noticed that i'm trying my hardest to be cheerful? as a guage, i'm back at the highest level of shopping expenditure again. i mean, i shop when i'm happy too, but not THIS much. did you know that last night, while i was quietly trying to pretend that everything was alright, i took out my card, right there in front of you, and within minutes, decided on 6 items i was gonna get, and bought them there and then. at 3 in the morning after work. it did make me feel better, for about an hour or so, till it all started coming back.
i know you like to pretend that everything should be good between us, but i beg to differ. there's so much left hanging, you wouldn't even know where to start. every single freaking thing you did and said then, and whatever jokes or remarks that you make now, they affect me still. there're two ways this could go, humiliate her, destroy her to my satisfaction, and everything goes back to normal, no one gets hurt. (: except her, but then again, she's not a full-fledged human being like the rest of us, so thats ok.
or, let me stew and accumulate all that anger, and spontaeneously combust, and everyone of us gets hurt in one way or another.
i'm trying my hardest to keep busy, but really, the sadness isn't going away. something has to give, soon.
i think you really should think twice before you make the same mistake i did, which will cost you the love that you seem to take for granted.