(no subject)
So Jason got mad at me for the first time the other day, because I spend too much time talking online and not enough time...staring at him? Paying attention to him I guess. I suppose he's right, I am an internet addict, but it could be much worse. I think he was really mad though that I don't like for him to lay all over me (i.e. read my screen) while I'm checking my email and playing online. It's not like I'm trying to hide something; I like my privacy damnit! And I am not that cuddy/touchy/feely! I don't foresee that changing.
This was the first of the real jealousy that I've seen from him (jealousy of me talking to friends online and not letting him see every little thing that I write), and I don't really like it. I finally came out and told him that I'm not going to be one of those girlfriends who is going to give up all of her friends to devote all of her time to her significant other; I have no intention of being that kind of wife, and I will not be that kind of girlfriend. But the more I think about it, someday, when I'm married, will it be possible to maintain my friendships as they are now? I thought about it, and many of my friendships are based a lot on playful flirtation. So those are probably out. Some are based on real flirtation, so those are out. That really narrows down my pool of friends, to pretty much just girls. How sad :-(.
Then I think that I don't want to give up those friends! Maybe it's that I'm not ready to, and maybe it's that I'll never be ready. Maybe it's that I haven't "found the right person yet" so I want to keep my options open, and when I find that "right person" I'll be ready to give all of that up for them (this is seeming extremely unlikely). Jason's sister kept telling me that she wants me to marry Jason, so I was thinking about marriage in general, and I realized that at this point I really am not ready to pick one person; I feel like I haven't explored all of my options yet, and I don't know if I will have any time in the near future.
I once read a description of people born on my birth date or something, and it said that people born on that date can easily love multiple people equally and be in love with many people at the same time. I don't pretend to know how accurate birth charts, horoscopes, etc. are, but that fits me to a tee. I've never cheated on somebody, and I don't think I would, but I can easily love another person or many people just as much as I love the person who is deemed my "significant other" at any given moment. And I have. Is that "emotional cheating" or something? (I should watch more Oprah, I bet then I would know. :-) ).
Maybe I'm just not ready to settle down with one person, and this is a phase that I'll grow out of. Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe I acquire these people who I love and who love me just to boost my self-esteem, and if I could do that myself, I wouldn't need them. Who knows? I kind of hope it's the first of those options, but on the other hand, I love having a lot of people to love and who love me.
But maybe that feeling is indicitive of a phase that I'm in...I don't know, and I guess I won't know any time soon.
When I imagine my future, it very rarely involves a husband. I imagine future career plans, getting back from the Peace Corps, packing up and heading off to wherever I can get a good job, going back to grad school to get my MLS...I never take into account the possibility of having to consider a family in these decisions. This might be because I'm used to being single, and this is actually how all unmarried people think until they get married. But I also think about having kids, and wanting to adopt kids, and I still picture myself single. When I think about it I think "Maybe if I'm married I won't want to adopt, or my husband won't, so those plans might change," but that's only after some consideration--it's not the "default" thought. If I consider having and raising kids, I become even pickier about who I might want as a husband. For example, I can handle dating a republican, a christian, etc., because I have developed my own beliefs and I am pretty set in them...but do I want those people raising my kids? Not really. I'd like someone with beliefs that are a little more similar to mine--preferably someone more neutral or a-political (that's doable), and ideally someone who has religious/spiritual beliefs that are similar to mine (ACIM), or even acknowledges and accepts them (thus far nearly impossible). Sadly, the harder qualification (the latter) is the most important.
So I don't get married...so I can continue some superficial relationships that make me feel good about myself? That sounds pretty foolish. I don't get married because I don't trust anyone to help raise my kids the way I want them to? That sounds a little less foolish, but these "kids" don't even exist, and who's to say that my way is going to turn out so great anyway? When I think about it, I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. But I DO want to be single now, and probably for a good 5 more years, at least. I don't know.
In conclusion, I don't know :-).
This is what I want in a long-term significant other:
*Someone who is a little bit jealous, but not too jealous (enough to make me feel wanted and valued, not enough to make me feel smothered)
*Someone who has their own life and wants me to have mine, but with a good balance between those lives
*Someone who is financially stable and good with handling and saving money; a relationship that will allow me to stay at home for a few years if we have kids
*Someone who is financially stable, but not obsessed with having money and getting more; I want to be comfortable, yes, but I don't want my life (or theirs) to revolve around money or work
*Someone who is not political, or is politically neutral. I don't care if they vote, but I don't want life to revolve around politics, I don't want to talk about it; I don't want conflict
*Someone who believes in ACIM or something similar; I'll settle for non-religious; someone who recognizes the meaninglessness of this world, so to speak; someone whose presence allows me to pursue my own beliefs without sucking me into pointless conflict and drama (intentionally or otherwise); someone willing to help raise children with this mindset
*Someone who is willing to work with me to teach my children about a variety of religions and beliefs and lifestyles and let them choose what they want to believe
*Someone who I can comfortably have a conversation with
*Somebody who I don't feel stupid around, and who doesn't try to make me feel stupid
*Somebody who is willing to put up with me as I manage and grow out of my insecurities
*Somebody who I can relax with
*Somebody who I can act stupid around
*Somebody who gets my sense of humor
*Somebody who is smart, but understands that intelligence isn't everything, and ambition is not all it's cracked up to be
*Somebody who will help to remind ME that intelligence isn't everything, and ambition isn't all it's cracked up to be
*Somebody who helps me keep my vanity in check and reminds me of the important things in life
*Somebody who gives great hugs, and picks me up off the floor a little when he hugs me
*Somebody who will sleep with me and hold my hand, but not sleep ON me
*Somebody who smells good
*Somebody who appreciates me
*Somebody who wears clothes that match
*Somebody who touches my waist or my back when they're trying to get my attention or lead me in another direction, or just because
*Somebody who likes to read, but likes TV too
*Somebody who makes me feel special ALL THE TIME, but in subtle ways that don't make me feel uncomfortable or like I'm the center of attention
*Somebody who I can TRUST
*Somebody who trusts me
*Somebody who can make a decision, and has an opinion, but doesn't need to argue it or convince me that they're right
*Somebody who is ok with me being girly one minute, and tomboy-ish the next
*Somebody who doesn't take huge risks, but is still fun
*Somebody who is taller than I am (yeah, I'm shallow)
Wow, it's amazing how much I've actually thought about this without even realizing it. I'm glad I wrote it all down. So is this guy out there?
This was the first of the real jealousy that I've seen from him (jealousy of me talking to friends online and not letting him see every little thing that I write), and I don't really like it. I finally came out and told him that I'm not going to be one of those girlfriends who is going to give up all of her friends to devote all of her time to her significant other; I have no intention of being that kind of wife, and I will not be that kind of girlfriend. But the more I think about it, someday, when I'm married, will it be possible to maintain my friendships as they are now? I thought about it, and many of my friendships are based a lot on playful flirtation. So those are probably out. Some are based on real flirtation, so those are out. That really narrows down my pool of friends, to pretty much just girls. How sad :-(.
Then I think that I don't want to give up those friends! Maybe it's that I'm not ready to, and maybe it's that I'll never be ready. Maybe it's that I haven't "found the right person yet" so I want to keep my options open, and when I find that "right person" I'll be ready to give all of that up for them (this is seeming extremely unlikely). Jason's sister kept telling me that she wants me to marry Jason, so I was thinking about marriage in general, and I realized that at this point I really am not ready to pick one person; I feel like I haven't explored all of my options yet, and I don't know if I will have any time in the near future.
I once read a description of people born on my birth date or something, and it said that people born on that date can easily love multiple people equally and be in love with many people at the same time. I don't pretend to know how accurate birth charts, horoscopes, etc. are, but that fits me to a tee. I've never cheated on somebody, and I don't think I would, but I can easily love another person or many people just as much as I love the person who is deemed my "significant other" at any given moment. And I have. Is that "emotional cheating" or something? (I should watch more Oprah, I bet then I would know. :-) ).
Maybe I'm just not ready to settle down with one person, and this is a phase that I'll grow out of. Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe I acquire these people who I love and who love me just to boost my self-esteem, and if I could do that myself, I wouldn't need them. Who knows? I kind of hope it's the first of those options, but on the other hand, I love having a lot of people to love and who love me.
But maybe that feeling is indicitive of a phase that I'm in...I don't know, and I guess I won't know any time soon.
When I imagine my future, it very rarely involves a husband. I imagine future career plans, getting back from the Peace Corps, packing up and heading off to wherever I can get a good job, going back to grad school to get my MLS...I never take into account the possibility of having to consider a family in these decisions. This might be because I'm used to being single, and this is actually how all unmarried people think until they get married. But I also think about having kids, and wanting to adopt kids, and I still picture myself single. When I think about it I think "Maybe if I'm married I won't want to adopt, or my husband won't, so those plans might change," but that's only after some consideration--it's not the "default" thought. If I consider having and raising kids, I become even pickier about who I might want as a husband. For example, I can handle dating a republican, a christian, etc., because I have developed my own beliefs and I am pretty set in them...but do I want those people raising my kids? Not really. I'd like someone with beliefs that are a little more similar to mine--preferably someone more neutral or a-political (that's doable), and ideally someone who has religious/spiritual beliefs that are similar to mine (ACIM), or even acknowledges and accepts them (thus far nearly impossible). Sadly, the harder qualification (the latter) is the most important.
So I don't get married...so I can continue some superficial relationships that make me feel good about myself? That sounds pretty foolish. I don't get married because I don't trust anyone to help raise my kids the way I want them to? That sounds a little less foolish, but these "kids" don't even exist, and who's to say that my way is going to turn out so great anyway? When I think about it, I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. But I DO want to be single now, and probably for a good 5 more years, at least. I don't know.
In conclusion, I don't know :-).
This is what I want in a long-term significant other:
*Someone who is a little bit jealous, but not too jealous (enough to make me feel wanted and valued, not enough to make me feel smothered)
*Someone who has their own life and wants me to have mine, but with a good balance between those lives
*Someone who is financially stable and good with handling and saving money; a relationship that will allow me to stay at home for a few years if we have kids
*Someone who is financially stable, but not obsessed with having money and getting more; I want to be comfortable, yes, but I don't want my life (or theirs) to revolve around money or work
*Someone who is not political, or is politically neutral. I don't care if they vote, but I don't want life to revolve around politics, I don't want to talk about it; I don't want conflict
*Someone who believes in ACIM or something similar; I'll settle for non-religious; someone who recognizes the meaninglessness of this world, so to speak; someone whose presence allows me to pursue my own beliefs without sucking me into pointless conflict and drama (intentionally or otherwise); someone willing to help raise children with this mindset
*Someone who is willing to work with me to teach my children about a variety of religions and beliefs and lifestyles and let them choose what they want to believe
*Someone who I can comfortably have a conversation with
*Somebody who I don't feel stupid around, and who doesn't try to make me feel stupid
*Somebody who is willing to put up with me as I manage and grow out of my insecurities
*Somebody who I can relax with
*Somebody who I can act stupid around
*Somebody who gets my sense of humor
*Somebody who is smart, but understands that intelligence isn't everything, and ambition is not all it's cracked up to be
*Somebody who will help to remind ME that intelligence isn't everything, and ambition isn't all it's cracked up to be
*Somebody who helps me keep my vanity in check and reminds me of the important things in life
*Somebody who gives great hugs, and picks me up off the floor a little when he hugs me
*Somebody who will sleep with me and hold my hand, but not sleep ON me
*Somebody who smells good
*Somebody who appreciates me
*Somebody who wears clothes that match
*Somebody who touches my waist or my back when they're trying to get my attention or lead me in another direction, or just because
*Somebody who likes to read, but likes TV too
*Somebody who makes me feel special ALL THE TIME, but in subtle ways that don't make me feel uncomfortable or like I'm the center of attention
*Somebody who I can TRUST
*Somebody who trusts me
*Somebody who can make a decision, and has an opinion, but doesn't need to argue it or convince me that they're right
*Somebody who is ok with me being girly one minute, and tomboy-ish the next
*Somebody who doesn't take huge risks, but is still fun
*Somebody who is taller than I am (yeah, I'm shallow)
Wow, it's amazing how much I've actually thought about this without even realizing it. I'm glad I wrote it all down. So is this guy out there?