My Legacy - by George W. Bush
My daddy is a good man. A little slow on the uptake when it comes to politicaling, but good and smart. That's what Karl says. Karl says he could have been a great President like Uncle Ronnie if he had taken the care to build him a legacy. People remember Uncle Ron for single-handedly destroying the Soviet Union. The "Evil Empire" he called it. That's good stuff. Karl thought of that.
But my dad missed his chance at greatness. He didn't call anyone evil. He didn't take over Iraq when he had the chance. He abandoned supply-side economics even though the rich people kept telling him what a good idea it really was. Kept talking about loser things like "the economy" and "jobs" ,and the "national debt". JesusWchrist, what a loser.
So Karl got to me early on, he said "Listen Georgie. I'm gonna make you great. I'm gonna make you a president. Even better than Uncle Ron, even better than your dad. You'll be my finest creation. All we gotta do is find your legacy". I been lookin' for it ever since. Know what I mean? And it's hard. Legacy building is hard work. I know that.
So I started right off with the "Evil" talk. I called three countries the "Axis of Evil". Like that? That's good stuff. Karl thought of that. The 9/11 attacks were a God-send. And I didn't even realize it at the time! I was reading this book, see? About a goat and a little boy and... no! really I was reading. It's hard. Reading is hard work. I know that. And Andy Card came over to me and whispered in my ear that New York City was under attack. Yeah, so what? It's nowhere close to a Red State. Right? So I kept right on reading. But it was Karl who persisted, and 10 minutes later, he was briefing me in the limo about what a great chance this was for me to build a legacy. Karl ended up deciding that we should invade Iraq. Karl said it was a good idea. So we did. That was gonna be my legacy. But it all went south. Karl said that these Arabs were gonna be easy. Go in, blow up a bunch of people and stuff and declare victory. So we did it. But they fought back. They were shooting at our planes and stuff, and the country started to figger out that all the stuff that Karl said about why we should attack them wasn't true. Everyone started blaming me. Called me a liar and ugly stuff like that. Karl said it was something called the "proletario" or somesuchthing. Bunch of poor people who envy us rich folk. That's what he meant. But anyway, it was looking like that wasn't going to be a good legacy, so I started lookin' again.
I like to watch movies about presidents. Brave guys who kick ass and everyone loves them... like me. I like "Air Force 1" and "Independence Day". The president actually gets to kick some ass in those movies. And in that Independence Day movie. there's this great battle-scene where Bill Pullman calls to his Chief of Staff and says "Jim, bring me my flight gear." And Jim says "Mr. President, where are you going?" And Bill says "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim. I belong up there". Damn, that was good stuff. And I really thought he looked brave and he had a great legacy. And that's when it hit me. Out of the blue. I can fly a plane! I called my Chief of Staff. "Karl" I says, "Bring me my flight gear!" Karl says "Mr. President, what are you doing?" And then I pulled out that great line "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim. I belong up there." So Karl says to me: "Mr. President, there's a reason the National Guard never let you out of the trainer. And my name isn't Jim. It's Karl. But no matter. We can work with that. It's time to declare victory in Iraq. All those pictures of John Kerry wearing jungle fatigues in Vietnam are starting to take a toll. Maybe we can get your legacy, let you be like Bill Pullman, and take a little of the burnish off of John Kerry all at the same time. And that's the story about how I ended up landing on the Lincoln in an S-3. Only problem was, the war wasn't really over. Hell, it was just gettin' started. And that sucks, because I wanted to pull that "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim" stuff when there was no real chance that I would have to actually get out there and prove it (like during Vietnam). 'cause it's hard. Flying and fighting is hard work. I know that. But Karl said he'd take care of it again, and I never did have to go out there and fight in a war. Karl said he had some work to do to make that a legacy for me. I haven't heard anything about that in awhile, so I guess he's still working on it.
So I was still fishing around for my legacy, right? And I saw this thing on TV about John F. Kennedy and the "race for the moon" And he told the people about how he wanted America to go to the moon by the end of the decade. And they said that the lunar landing was Kennedy's legacy. That even though he was dead by the time that Armstrong feller walked on the moon, people remembered that it was Kennedy who set us on the path. And I thought, with my big-ol-brain: hey, I can do THAT for a legacy. It's positively LEGALICIOUS! "Karl" I said, "bring me my flight gear..." Turns out it wasn't so easy. Space is hard. Space exploring is hard work. I know that now. Karl also told me that President Kennedy didn't actually fly in space himself. Karl is so smart! He knows all these little things that no one ever thinks of. So Karl books me a press conference and I said the same thing that Kennedy said about the moon, but I switched "Mars" for "Moon". ('cause we already been to the moon.) Nobody knows because I'm sneaky like that. It didn't go over as well when I did it as when Kennedy did it. Karl says be patient, people will warm up to it eventually. I even ad-libbed a little bit of sciencey stuff about stars twinklin'. Karl said it was ok, but not to do that again. Then he spanked me with his shoe. "It's hard" I told him. "Speachifying is hard work, I know that!" He spanked me some more.
Sometimes I think I'm NEVER gonna find my legacy. Karl says forget about Iraq. They're too tough. He wants to invade Iran. He says we'll do it right this time. We'll drop big nuculer bombs so's they can't fight back. We'll win this time. And then I'll get my legacy.
"Karl" I said, "bring me my flight gear..."
But my dad missed his chance at greatness. He didn't call anyone evil. He didn't take over Iraq when he had the chance. He abandoned supply-side economics even though the rich people kept telling him what a good idea it really was. Kept talking about loser things like "the economy" and "jobs" ,and the "national debt". JesusWchrist, what a loser.
So Karl got to me early on, he said "Listen Georgie. I'm gonna make you great. I'm gonna make you a president. Even better than Uncle Ron, even better than your dad. You'll be my finest creation. All we gotta do is find your legacy". I been lookin' for it ever since. Know what I mean? And it's hard. Legacy building is hard work. I know that.
So I started right off with the "Evil" talk. I called three countries the "Axis of Evil". Like that? That's good stuff. Karl thought of that. The 9/11 attacks were a God-send. And I didn't even realize it at the time! I was reading this book, see? About a goat and a little boy and... no! really I was reading. It's hard. Reading is hard work. I know that. And Andy Card came over to me and whispered in my ear that New York City was under attack. Yeah, so what? It's nowhere close to a Red State. Right? So I kept right on reading. But it was Karl who persisted, and 10 minutes later, he was briefing me in the limo about what a great chance this was for me to build a legacy. Karl ended up deciding that we should invade Iraq. Karl said it was a good idea. So we did. That was gonna be my legacy. But it all went south. Karl said that these Arabs were gonna be easy. Go in, blow up a bunch of people and stuff and declare victory. So we did it. But they fought back. They were shooting at our planes and stuff, and the country started to figger out that all the stuff that Karl said about why we should attack them wasn't true. Everyone started blaming me. Called me a liar and ugly stuff like that. Karl said it was something called the "proletario" or somesuchthing. Bunch of poor people who envy us rich folk. That's what he meant. But anyway, it was looking like that wasn't going to be a good legacy, so I started lookin' again.
I like to watch movies about presidents. Brave guys who kick ass and everyone loves them... like me. I like "Air Force 1" and "Independence Day". The president actually gets to kick some ass in those movies. And in that Independence Day movie. there's this great battle-scene where Bill Pullman calls to his Chief of Staff and says "Jim, bring me my flight gear." And Jim says "Mr. President, where are you going?" And Bill says "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim. I belong up there". Damn, that was good stuff. And I really thought he looked brave and he had a great legacy. And that's when it hit me. Out of the blue. I can fly a plane! I called my Chief of Staff. "Karl" I says, "Bring me my flight gear!" Karl says "Mr. President, what are you doing?" And then I pulled out that great line "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim. I belong up there." So Karl says to me: "Mr. President, there's a reason the National Guard never let you out of the trainer. And my name isn't Jim. It's Karl. But no matter. We can work with that. It's time to declare victory in Iraq. All those pictures of John Kerry wearing jungle fatigues in Vietnam are starting to take a toll. Maybe we can get your legacy, let you be like Bill Pullman, and take a little of the burnish off of John Kerry all at the same time. And that's the story about how I ended up landing on the Lincoln in an S-3. Only problem was, the war wasn't really over. Hell, it was just gettin' started. And that sucks, because I wanted to pull that "I'm a Fighter Pilot, Jim" stuff when there was no real chance that I would have to actually get out there and prove it (like during Vietnam). 'cause it's hard. Flying and fighting is hard work. I know that. But Karl said he'd take care of it again, and I never did have to go out there and fight in a war. Karl said he had some work to do to make that a legacy for me. I haven't heard anything about that in awhile, so I guess he's still working on it.
So I was still fishing around for my legacy, right? And I saw this thing on TV about John F. Kennedy and the "race for the moon" And he told the people about how he wanted America to go to the moon by the end of the decade. And they said that the lunar landing was Kennedy's legacy. That even though he was dead by the time that Armstrong feller walked on the moon, people remembered that it was Kennedy who set us on the path. And I thought, with my big-ol-brain: hey, I can do THAT for a legacy. It's positively LEGALICIOUS! "Karl" I said, "bring me my flight gear..." Turns out it wasn't so easy. Space is hard. Space exploring is hard work. I know that now. Karl also told me that President Kennedy didn't actually fly in space himself. Karl is so smart! He knows all these little things that no one ever thinks of. So Karl books me a press conference and I said the same thing that Kennedy said about the moon, but I switched "Mars" for "Moon". ('cause we already been to the moon.) Nobody knows because I'm sneaky like that. It didn't go over as well when I did it as when Kennedy did it. Karl says be patient, people will warm up to it eventually. I even ad-libbed a little bit of sciencey stuff about stars twinklin'. Karl said it was ok, but not to do that again. Then he spanked me with his shoe. "It's hard" I told him. "Speachifying is hard work, I know that!" He spanked me some more.
Sometimes I think I'm NEVER gonna find my legacy. Karl says forget about Iraq. They're too tough. He wants to invade Iran. He says we'll do it right this time. We'll drop big nuculer bombs so's they can't fight back. We'll win this time. And then I'll get my legacy.
"Karl" I said, "bring me my flight gear..."