Put that stick down sir, this horse is dead
home, sick. can't sleep.
I've been sleeping better lately. But he is still in my dreams. almost every night i remember having dreams. What is it that i cannot just be done with him? what business do i have left to finish there?
this one dream was a weird one.
It is the only dream i've had of him in all these months, that i did not awaken completely frustrated. We were laughing, sliding down marble stairs. we both had on roller skates. His face was familiar and friendly and not threatening which was a drastic change from any other dream i have had. We were careful not to slide to far away from each others company, and we were laughing like old friends laugh together. I wish this hate was not here. Like a stench from the back rooms of my mind that i cannot stop breathing in. I have forgiven you for what has happened, why can't you let it go? Why can't you admit that we both tried hard. and at one point we loved one another. But it wasn't right. neither of us was happy in that relationship.
I realized after that dream that my hate has burnt out. Your lies and your puzzling retaliation for my independence and euthanasia of our long rotting love, it affects me no longer. I don't hate you for acting like you had a broken heart. for my heart was broken long ago, while your arms had me. I know it killed you to see the passion fade. your love and one bright warm possession, fading slowly, falling out of love. I tried to fake my passion for guilt of your sad and lonely way. Guilt is no substitute for love. And you deserved better. Better than a half baked love. But guilting me to retain me, oh oh what a sour taste that leaves in my mouth. Maybe you knew of your manipulations, everyone else could see. Your control and calculating over my movements. My time. Maybe you remained ignorant of your offenses. Probably not. You bragged of your puppet mastery in all aspects of your life. They way you prided yourself on getting the weak to make your moves. to play into your hands. The way you swallowed the stupid and the dumb. Like you tried to swallow me. Like you did swallow me.
Yes i yelled at you. That one day i saw you. Months and months of stories of the horrible things you had said about me, i carried on my shoulders. I had done nothing to you. I had said nothing about you except to my new love, my closest friend. I had kept ill words of you from passing my lips, for fear they would reach you and hurt you, for fear of bad karma. That one day i took my liberty. I exposed your tasteless tactics for hurting me. I exposed your theft of my belongings and your manipulations. How i got your mother to give me back what you had taken from me. The furniture i was kind enough to let you keep, and had arranged to get returned to me. I exposed what you left out of the stories you told about me. I exposed just a layer of your ugly anger. Get over it. You have said things, unmentionable things, about me. Things that should not cross the lips of anyone. Especially someone who once proclaimed their love for you.
You broke me down to dust. As you blame me for doing to you.
We both hurt on eachothers behalf. we both moved on. Why why must i still hear tales of this warfare. Why can't you admit that you only hurt because our love was so sweet once? And why can't we both let it go?
I really do think you tried. Maybe that is just another string of yours that i haven't cut off yet. Because everyone else thinks it was a scam. that you were a monster. Either way, i have not regretted leaving you for one moment in time. Not a single moment.
So if you hate me so much, at least have the decency to ignore me. please be done. Please let your anger go and drop this heavy warfare you carry on your chest. Please for the stench in the back alleyways of my mind.
Put that stick down sir. This horse is dead.
I've been sleeping better lately. But he is still in my dreams. almost every night i remember having dreams. What is it that i cannot just be done with him? what business do i have left to finish there?
this one dream was a weird one.
It is the only dream i've had of him in all these months, that i did not awaken completely frustrated. We were laughing, sliding down marble stairs. we both had on roller skates. His face was familiar and friendly and not threatening which was a drastic change from any other dream i have had. We were careful not to slide to far away from each others company, and we were laughing like old friends laugh together. I wish this hate was not here. Like a stench from the back rooms of my mind that i cannot stop breathing in. I have forgiven you for what has happened, why can't you let it go? Why can't you admit that we both tried hard. and at one point we loved one another. But it wasn't right. neither of us was happy in that relationship.
I realized after that dream that my hate has burnt out. Your lies and your puzzling retaliation for my independence and euthanasia of our long rotting love, it affects me no longer. I don't hate you for acting like you had a broken heart. for my heart was broken long ago, while your arms had me. I know it killed you to see the passion fade. your love and one bright warm possession, fading slowly, falling out of love. I tried to fake my passion for guilt of your sad and lonely way. Guilt is no substitute for love. And you deserved better. Better than a half baked love. But guilting me to retain me, oh oh what a sour taste that leaves in my mouth. Maybe you knew of your manipulations, everyone else could see. Your control and calculating over my movements. My time. Maybe you remained ignorant of your offenses. Probably not. You bragged of your puppet mastery in all aspects of your life. They way you prided yourself on getting the weak to make your moves. to play into your hands. The way you swallowed the stupid and the dumb. Like you tried to swallow me. Like you did swallow me.
Yes i yelled at you. That one day i saw you. Months and months of stories of the horrible things you had said about me, i carried on my shoulders. I had done nothing to you. I had said nothing about you except to my new love, my closest friend. I had kept ill words of you from passing my lips, for fear they would reach you and hurt you, for fear of bad karma. That one day i took my liberty. I exposed your tasteless tactics for hurting me. I exposed your theft of my belongings and your manipulations. How i got your mother to give me back what you had taken from me. The furniture i was kind enough to let you keep, and had arranged to get returned to me. I exposed what you left out of the stories you told about me. I exposed just a layer of your ugly anger. Get over it. You have said things, unmentionable things, about me. Things that should not cross the lips of anyone. Especially someone who once proclaimed their love for you.
You broke me down to dust. As you blame me for doing to you.
We both hurt on eachothers behalf. we both moved on. Why why must i still hear tales of this warfare. Why can't you admit that you only hurt because our love was so sweet once? And why can't we both let it go?
I really do think you tried. Maybe that is just another string of yours that i haven't cut off yet. Because everyone else thinks it was a scam. that you were a monster. Either way, i have not regretted leaving you for one moment in time. Not a single moment.
So if you hate me so much, at least have the decency to ignore me. please be done. Please let your anger go and drop this heavy warfare you carry on your chest. Please for the stench in the back alleyways of my mind.
Put that stick down sir. This horse is dead.