Random thoughts...........
You know.. Not a lot of ppl are very fond of Mariah Carey but I love her and cannot wait to buy her new cd when it comes out..
anyway.. so I've been stalling on updating this thing more often but I've actually been having more fun commenting on other LJ peoples' journals or groups..
I really don't like talking much about myself but of course when I do, it's mainly about something 'happy' or exciting or regarding my ex.
I used to be a really good sad/depressed/broken hearted poet when I was a teenager.. what happened?
It's like I really can't express my personal pains anymore.. I used to be the shit! :)
I think I might really know what really happened to that.. I'll fill ya in a bit..
venus opp. neptune
Growing up, I used to be this very shy, introverted, loner girl who grew up confused as hell about a lot of things, with a not-so-great childhood and usually always depressed.
At a very young age; I showed many talents.. I learned how to play the piano when I was about 6 or 7. (my bastard dad was in a band.. played piano/vocals) also, around that age is when my mother tragic passed away due to Cancer..
I also used to be quite an artist with drawing and painting (and coloring) :)
I also LOVED to sing and had an okay voice.. as I grew older.. I would write..
I would keep journals and write about my deepest thoughts and even express them through poetry, short stories but to me, they were basically my ramblings that would come out in creative and sometimes beautiful ways.
All were done due to dark & sad/depressed motivations..
in my late teens I fell in love.. had my heart broken and was drowning with-in myself..
I snapped and saw how pathetic and how sad of a person I had become and fought away depression and after that period of regeneration within myself, I began seeing the world and all it's beauties instead of, only my own negativities, which compared to the world seem very small.
I suddenly became happy, my mind craved to explore and see the world.. I pledged to learn something new everyday amd I still hold to that till this day.. I also became extreamly sociable and found myself to be a bit outragious when out with the right friends. :)
I'm suddenly a huge extroverted person who is not afraid to speak up and share my feelings to the world and even pretend to know so much and even try to help others and make other feel good about themselves, too.
I'm more involved with my family and in life and seem to bounce around, even when I get sad and down, I still hold my giant optimistic torch and try to quickly burn away any sadness away from me.
at times I do get low and down bc I do believe that we as humans really do need that sometimes.. It can be healthy and beneficial in many ways so that you can feel yourself within - & think about yourself/your feelings and learn.
Now that I've sucessfully got myself out of that long, sad, depressing childhood/teenage self that I was.. I've also realize that I lost a lot more than the negative qualities..
I feel that I've lost a lot of my talents.
I also feel that even though I love helping others and making others feel good about themselves; I truly feel that I've also lost the true, deep compassion of feeling as I once had before.
I must figure out a way to bring that part of me back.
Is it even possible?
Is it meant for me to have lost all of that.. Have a truly burned my bridges behind me all down that I will never get that back?
Sometimes I even feel superficial with myself; well sometimes. As if I suddenly stop and say to myself 'is this really who I am? Is that lost sad little girl still in me just fighting to come out or what?'
I guess I must focus on the future and find a meaning for life for myself bc just like they say.. 'there's no use in looking back.'
move on, move on.. nxd
anyway.. so I've been stalling on updating this thing more often but I've actually been having more fun commenting on other LJ peoples' journals or groups..
I really don't like talking much about myself but of course when I do, it's mainly about something 'happy' or exciting or regarding my ex.
I used to be a really good sad/depressed/broken hearted poet when I was a teenager.. what happened?
It's like I really can't express my personal pains anymore.. I used to be the shit! :)
I think I might really know what really happened to that.. I'll fill ya in a bit..
venus opp. neptune
Growing up, I used to be this very shy, introverted, loner girl who grew up confused as hell about a lot of things, with a not-so-great childhood and usually always depressed.
At a very young age; I showed many talents.. I learned how to play the piano when I was about 6 or 7. (my bastard dad was in a band.. played piano/vocals) also, around that age is when my mother tragic passed away due to Cancer..
I also used to be quite an artist with drawing and painting (and coloring) :)
I also LOVED to sing and had an okay voice.. as I grew older.. I would write..
I would keep journals and write about my deepest thoughts and even express them through poetry, short stories but to me, they were basically my ramblings that would come out in creative and sometimes beautiful ways.
All were done due to dark & sad/depressed motivations..
in my late teens I fell in love.. had my heart broken and was drowning with-in myself..
I snapped and saw how pathetic and how sad of a person I had become and fought away depression and after that period of regeneration within myself, I began seeing the world and all it's beauties instead of, only my own negativities, which compared to the world seem very small.
I suddenly became happy, my mind craved to explore and see the world.. I pledged to learn something new everyday amd I still hold to that till this day.. I also became extreamly sociable and found myself to be a bit outragious when out with the right friends. :)
I'm suddenly a huge extroverted person who is not afraid to speak up and share my feelings to the world and even pretend to know so much and even try to help others and make other feel good about themselves, too.
I'm more involved with my family and in life and seem to bounce around, even when I get sad and down, I still hold my giant optimistic torch and try to quickly burn away any sadness away from me.
at times I do get low and down bc I do believe that we as humans really do need that sometimes.. It can be healthy and beneficial in many ways so that you can feel yourself within - & think about yourself/your feelings and learn.
Now that I've sucessfully got myself out of that long, sad, depressing childhood/teenage self that I was.. I've also realize that I lost a lot more than the negative qualities..
I feel that I've lost a lot of my talents.
I also feel that even though I love helping others and making others feel good about themselves; I truly feel that I've also lost the true, deep compassion of feeling as I once had before.
I must figure out a way to bring that part of me back.
Is it even possible?
Is it meant for me to have lost all of that.. Have a truly burned my bridges behind me all down that I will never get that back?
Sometimes I even feel superficial with myself; well sometimes. As if I suddenly stop and say to myself 'is this really who I am? Is that lost sad little girl still in me just fighting to come out or what?'
I guess I must focus on the future and find a meaning for life for myself bc just like they say.. 'there's no use in looking back.'
move on, move on.. nxd