(no subject)
so they sent me home from work today because it really wasn't something i could deal with. i mean, i love my job so much... i am so greatful. they're going to pay me for my time out and pay for any therapy/counselling i might need. this job has been such a Godsend... i am so blessed.
i really need to sleep. i really need to eat. but i just can't. everything hurts... my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my heart hurts. i wish i could talk to her, to reassure her. to let her know that it would have been ok. that she could have made it. i went through the same thing she did and i hate that i made it and she did not. i hate that i survived... that i am happy and healthy and she is... dead. hopeless.... how could you be that hopeless? i do not understand... well... i guess i do. i felt that way. i'd do anything for her to have been happy. if she had to go young... why couldn't it have been an accident?
but i have so many amazing people that are surrounding me... and supporting me. keeping me safe. helping me smile... letting me remember. even though the remembering leads to the regret. they have held my hand why i cried. making me comfortable. i just feel loved.
i love who she was. what we had. what we went through. how much i loved her. love her. nothing can take that away, nothing can change it. not betrayal, not death. not anything. period.
laura
i really need to sleep. i really need to eat. but i just can't. everything hurts... my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my heart hurts. i wish i could talk to her, to reassure her. to let her know that it would have been ok. that she could have made it. i went through the same thing she did and i hate that i made it and she did not. i hate that i survived... that i am happy and healthy and she is... dead. hopeless.... how could you be that hopeless? i do not understand... well... i guess i do. i felt that way. i'd do anything for her to have been happy. if she had to go young... why couldn't it have been an accident?
but i have so many amazing people that are surrounding me... and supporting me. keeping me safe. helping me smile... letting me remember. even though the remembering leads to the regret. they have held my hand why i cried. making me comfortable. i just feel loved.
i love who she was. what we had. what we went through. how much i loved her. love her. nothing can take that away, nothing can change it. not betrayal, not death. not anything. period.
laura