wow
so the past 3 days (2 nights) have been the hardest nights of my life.... my rick is gone and i dont know what to do, do i cry about it for the rest of my life? do i blame myself for not taking him back and being able to help him thru this? is it my fault?? is it my fault he couldnt let aimee in
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first off, it is not your fault at all. i know how hard it is to not believe that, i mean i still find myself saying that if i had just called eric things might have been different...but that is so wrong.
he (rick..and eric for that matter) was sick, just as a person gets sick physically he was sick mentally. and just as a physical illness can take a person's life, so can a mental illness.
people try to find reasons for why someone would do something as horrible as taking their own life because they want to have something to blame for it, some kind of explanation that makes sense of something so painful.
there are dozens of things that could have gone wrong, that could have upset Rick, including whatever it is you think you did. but that doesn't cause a healthy person to kill themselves though, and that's what you need to understand. he had a lot more going on, you aren't responsible for his death.
i'm not trying to sound like i am saying he's some psycho or something, i'm saying that you can't blame yourself for this, because no matter what you did or think that you did, it was not enough to make him kill himself. you had absolutely no control, as with anyone else. no one has control over anyone but themselves.
the thoughts you're having are to be expected though..anyone close to him probably wonders why they didn't see it coming, what they could have done to stop it, why this, why that...and you just have to know that HE was the one that did it...you're not responsible for his actions.
he was in a lot of pain...and wanted to end it. now he is in peace.
the pain that it caused you will slowly fade in time once you understand it was beyond your control and beyond anyone's control...once you feel all the emotions, as opposed to denying. (like i felt guilty for being angry at eric for it so i denied it instead of talking about it and admitting it)
you will always remember him...and you will always feel this feeling i can't even describe (or at least i do) when you think about him...but eventually instead of thinking about his death when you think of him you begin remembering the good times...you remember his life...the way he would want you to.
sorry for the book i wrote lol..speaking of books though my dad and grandma bought me some books about when someone you love commits suicide and stuff...i never read them but i'm sure they're helpful and if you want them i will definitely give them to you. also if you need to talk at any time just call me up, i don't mind. the last thing you should do is NOT talk and NOT cry and not feel...so find someone to talk to, including me :)
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