erg
well.. this day has gone the shit hole.. everytime I try to do something nice and help out the family it just gets thrown back in my face again. then im having other problems.. which i know i should talk to Rick about but i really dont want to.. im too scared to..
i cant shake this feeling i have about Rick and I.. I love him I really do.. but im also holding back from it becuase i cant shake this feeling i have.. the way he talks about this one girl and everything.. it just makes me think he loves her.. i mean.. when he talks about her.. his whole face just lights up and he acts so happy.. she has a boyfriend and stuff.. but i just have this feeling that hes actually in love with her .. i mean i could be wrong.. but i have have this feeling.. he means so much to me and i just i dont want to get hurt again.. i dunno .. he just talks s highly of her and i cant explain it.. maybe im just looking for a reason so i dont get hurt again.. then if i am pregnant.. i dont want to trap him in.. i mean hes actually having fun with life and stuff.. and hes in a band now and everything and i dont want to mess it all up.. just becuase i have a shitty ass life doesnt mean he needs to have one.. i guess in some ways im jealous of him and a lot of my friends.. they get to do things i never have and never will get to do.. i mean my parents tend to be judgemental and so i couldnt do a lot of things i wish i could have and now i have Nevaeh so i never will get to do them.. idk.. i just feel like ive missed out on so much in life.. ive never been able to make my own mistakes and learn from them.. i dunno.... maybe im reading too much into everything.. idk.. i mean like when it comes to Rick smoking and drinking and stuff... the drinking thing doesnt really bother me but the smoking thing does... i mean i know he smokes but its stuff like when he does it when im at his house and junk after we've messed around and stuff.. and he goes to the bathroom.. and he comes back.. i can smell the cig. smoke all over him.. im not stupid.. hes doing it behind my back which drives me insane.. then i know he smokes pot and junk.. i just i dunno.. it bothers me a hell of a lot more than what i let on.... he knows how to cover up his tracks and stuff so well.. and i think thats what scares me.. that he could be doing stuff behind my back and i wouldnt know about it.. i am so so scared im gonna get hurt again.. and i cant take it again.. i just cant.. i love him so much.. i just im scare to.... im scared that when our 1 year rolls around shit will happen and ill be alone again.... thats what scares me.. im scared to be alone.. to lose everyone i love and care about and be alone.. becuase i know if something happens and i lose him.. thatll be it for me.. becuase theres no way i could ever love another guy like i love him.. this is true love.. there so much that goes through my head like this and i dont want to mess anything up with Rick.. i dont want to bring up anything like that because #1 i dont know how to in the first place #2 i dont want to hurt him #3 i dont want to lose him.. i feel so safe when i with him like nothing in the world could hurt me.. but then i guess thats the trick.. not getting hurt by the one that makes you feel this way. ..
i dunno .. i guess im just fucked up...