(no subject)
So.
Life.
How about it?
Um. Yeah.
I mentioned possibly going back to Caryn's house?
About that...she doesn't really want me there anymore.
Well, it isn't that she "doesn't want me". So the message goes.
I kind of felt her and my relationship changing pretty rapidly.
I understand it I guess.
But, now I remember how it felt to be alone.
I was used to it. But, for now, it is catching me a little bit off gaurd.
I'll deal with it.
Really.
I've dealt with it for 17 years.
Granted, the stakes have changed with the absence of my brother and the abussiveness of my step father.
But, I'll deal.
Really, I will.
A wise and once sober father of mine once told me that he doesn't make friends, he makes aquaintances, because you give friends access to your weakness and the things that hurt you most.
I'm starting to believe it.
Because, no complete stranger has ever had the capability to hurt me as much as the people I care about.
Again. I'll deal.
I almost promise that I will.
One and a half more years is all.
And it is speech team time.
And with work.
And with homework.
Maybe I'll never have to step foot in this house, and it will all really be okay.
Maybe I'm lying to myself.
But, that is what I need, because if I'm honest with myself, I'm going to crash.
Seriously... I have to wonder what happened to all of those people who said they loved me so much, and they'd be there for me whenever?
Not that I blame them for not being here. It isn't their job at all.
What I blame them for is lying.
Don't make me feel secure and as if I have somewhere to turn to if I don't.
That is just cruel.
I want/need someone who really cares.
Why does life hate me as it does?
Maybe it is punishment from sins of a past life.
Maybe I was a nazi or something.
That is probably it.
That, or God trying to teach me some divine lesson that I was just too stupid to catch when he was teaching it the easy way.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm done.
Stephannie.
Life.
How about it?
Um. Yeah.
I mentioned possibly going back to Caryn's house?
About that...she doesn't really want me there anymore.
Well, it isn't that she "doesn't want me". So the message goes.
I kind of felt her and my relationship changing pretty rapidly.
I understand it I guess.
But, now I remember how it felt to be alone.
I was used to it. But, for now, it is catching me a little bit off gaurd.
I'll deal with it.
Really.
I've dealt with it for 17 years.
Granted, the stakes have changed with the absence of my brother and the abussiveness of my step father.
But, I'll deal.
Really, I will.
A wise and once sober father of mine once told me that he doesn't make friends, he makes aquaintances, because you give friends access to your weakness and the things that hurt you most.
I'm starting to believe it.
Because, no complete stranger has ever had the capability to hurt me as much as the people I care about.
Again. I'll deal.
I almost promise that I will.
One and a half more years is all.
And it is speech team time.
And with work.
And with homework.
Maybe I'll never have to step foot in this house, and it will all really be okay.
Maybe I'm lying to myself.
But, that is what I need, because if I'm honest with myself, I'm going to crash.
Seriously... I have to wonder what happened to all of those people who said they loved me so much, and they'd be there for me whenever?
Not that I blame them for not being here. It isn't their job at all.
What I blame them for is lying.
Don't make me feel secure and as if I have somewhere to turn to if I don't.
That is just cruel.
I want/need someone who really cares.
Why does life hate me as it does?
Maybe it is punishment from sins of a past life.
Maybe I was a nazi or something.
That is probably it.
That, or God trying to teach me some divine lesson that I was just too stupid to catch when he was teaching it the easy way.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm done.
Stephannie.