Holy shit
This is an e-mail that was sent from my mother. I cannot bear keeping it to myself. Yes, it happened in Mississippi. Yes, they're real. Holy shit... I'm sorry in advance for the caps, but I don't feel like re-typing it.
I PROMISE YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT
LOUD! THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A
MISSISSIPPI SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN
LEFT INTACT.)
--MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE
PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT.
--DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN.
28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
--PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
--PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
--JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN
OUT OF HIS FACE.
--CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
--MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS
>BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
--JONNY WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN
( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
--PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE
HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
--IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT.
-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
--PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY.
WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND
WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE
HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
--PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE
WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
--GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
--PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER
THE DOCTOR.
--MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A
FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER
SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.
I PROMISE YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT
LOUD! THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A
MISSISSIPPI SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN
LEFT INTACT.)
--MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE
PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT.
--DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN.
28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
--PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
--PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
--JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN
OUT OF HIS FACE.
--CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
--MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS
>BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
--JONNY WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN
( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
--PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE
HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
--IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT.
-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
--PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY.
WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND
WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE
HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
--PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE
WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
--GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
--PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER
THE DOCTOR.
--MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A
FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER
SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.