(no subject)
i want my father to love me.
mother informed me at 5:00am to get up that i have stay awake till 4:00pm tonite; so i can SLEEP till 1:00am; so i can be READY for my 13hr CAR RIDE to effin CHICAGO!!!! <3 [13 more hrs.]
so as i was laying on the couch; "restin my eyes" and i hear the cat playing under our table and then i hear my "fathers" voice saying "hey baby; i miss you and i love you; love daddy". my heart dropped and i couldnt stop crying. [for all of you that dont know, my father left me when i was 2; and i havnt seen him since i was 7.] MEANING that the cat hit the OLD answering machine and i heard a message from about 9 yrs ago.
so for the last 5 hrs; i've been crying and thinking about how my life couldhave/shouldhave been. if i was just normal and had parents that loved each other and me enuff to stay together. how much better things would of been; how much easier my childhood would of been; all those late nights gone; all the waiting by the door for him to just come home; all the hatred he gave me; all the morinings id wait by the phone for him to call me just to talk; all the times i waited and waited to get a hug and hear i love you. ALL of that for NOTHING.
this morning made me realize how much i really miss him. how much i've always wanted him there; and how i've tried so fucking hard to hate him my whole life for all the pain he caused me; but i just cant. idk what to do anymore? im blank.
i think how can it be
how could this happen to me
why would he
why would my father leave me
i thought he loved me
does he wonder about me
does he care
i wonder if he regrets it
or if hes happy it did it
i wonder if he wants to see me
i hope he isnt happy
because of all the pain he caused me
that day he left
was i in his head
nope. i bet he wishes i were dead
where was he
when i needed him the most
out with some women
i didnt even know
how could someone do this to their daughter
"he's just incapable of being a father"
but i thought i was special
i am his own flesh and blood
i guess he cant love
i just want him to love me
just to be there
just to give me hugs and kisses
just let me kno he cares
tell me im his little girl; his pride and joy
how could it be
why would he
why would my father leave
why did it happen to me
i thought he loved me
-jessicawhite