Addictions, bailed on, and shit.
So I'm on the train there (was going to NYC), twiddling my thumbs and reading a selection out of a Jane Addams biography, when I get a im from him saying how he can't meet up with me because he has to babysit. Now me being of sound mind understands how much babysitting can fuck with a person's plans, but at the time that it happened, it seems as if they could have possibly known this hours before. I let it go, ranted a little, told him how I could have known this before I wasted thirty dollars and was about twenty minutes from being home. I got off the train, fuming as usual, and whenever I get upset, I start to take it out on myself, and ultimately, become suicidal... but not this time. I sat on a bench outside and fed birds what i had left of my sandwich and just thought to myself, "If you really feel like this person did this on purpose, you have every right to be angry with them, no matter what the reason is." Convincing myself that my anger was justified, I went and waited for the train home to come. Once it did, I sat on the train and just read the rest of the Jane Addams selection until I got home. On my way home I ran into one of my friends and ended up hanging out with him, so my mood did a one eighty and that was fun.
As for this week in general... it didn't start off right. Sunday I went to my friend's show, and there was this girl there that obviously liked him, and jealous little me did everything and anything to weasel my way near him, and by the end of the night I had sex with him. Now I was happy I had sex, but something about it just didn't seem right. I felt like I pushed it on him, knowing he was tired, so I could have let it go, but me feeling not noticed by him had to go through with it. :( Monday I saw a friend I haven't seen in a while, and as nice as that was, it felt a bit odd because apparently he isn't looking for a girlfriend, but a fuck buddy. :( I'm not looking for anything either, but why am I always noticed as a fuck buddy, and not a girlfriend. Now, I know I do tend to be a bit willing when it comes to guys I like, but recently I have been closing myself off from them because of one reason or some sort of realization.
Earlier this week I realized that I have a substance abuse problem, or did for some reason or the other... it comes mostly with me smoking pot a lot, and drinking a lot than I'm supposed to (Being underage and one is illegal, I'm feeling pretty rebellious) and whenever someone upsets me, even if it is a little, I seek to sleep it away by nyquiling myself to sleep and waking up to hopefully forget about it. It doesn't seem to work very well... I've controlled the first two, but I found myself seeking out the latter of the three, which scares me a little. I'm always looking for something to help me handle situations because they are too much for me to handle sober for one reason or the other... and I just need to stop, but I don't know how...
I will stop here, I'm going to cry if I continue...
As for this week in general... it didn't start off right. Sunday I went to my friend's show, and there was this girl there that obviously liked him, and jealous little me did everything and anything to weasel my way near him, and by the end of the night I had sex with him. Now I was happy I had sex, but something about it just didn't seem right. I felt like I pushed it on him, knowing he was tired, so I could have let it go, but me feeling not noticed by him had to go through with it. :( Monday I saw a friend I haven't seen in a while, and as nice as that was, it felt a bit odd because apparently he isn't looking for a girlfriend, but a fuck buddy. :( I'm not looking for anything either, but why am I always noticed as a fuck buddy, and not a girlfriend. Now, I know I do tend to be a bit willing when it comes to guys I like, but recently I have been closing myself off from them because of one reason or some sort of realization.
Earlier this week I realized that I have a substance abuse problem, or did for some reason or the other... it comes mostly with me smoking pot a lot, and drinking a lot than I'm supposed to (Being underage and one is illegal, I'm feeling pretty rebellious) and whenever someone upsets me, even if it is a little, I seek to sleep it away by nyquiling myself to sleep and waking up to hopefully forget about it. It doesn't seem to work very well... I've controlled the first two, but I found myself seeking out the latter of the three, which scares me a little. I'm always looking for something to help me handle situations because they are too much for me to handle sober for one reason or the other... and I just need to stop, but I don't know how...
I will stop here, I'm going to cry if I continue...