This is for me.
There are moment in your life...moments you don't see coming...that you could never prepare yourself for. In these moments everything stops. The world is still. Even your heart has ceased. These are the moments that in movies and television shows they use slow motion for. Because that is how it feels...as if all the world were stuck in Jello. I've had my share of these moments. My first car accident. The first time I watched the news after my dad moved to Iraq. The first time I saw someone drowning. When Emily called me after having her accident. When I ran over the hill at runin...and didn't see Brad. When I found Panth... It is that last moment that I'm thinking about now. It'll have been three years in October. October 3rd. It was a Friday. The moment in itself was devastating. The whole incident a horrible tragidy. But that one occurance on its own should not have been so life altering as it was. That moment occured at the most in opportune time in my life. Every fiber of my being was shattered in that moment. Even now I am fully aware that I have not dealt with that moment...I've been far too busy dealing with everything that came after. Finding the one and only constant in my life dead and ripped apart on my front porch opened a flood gate. A gate that for 16 years had been sealed up tight. I was not taught to feel. My parents did nothing to teach me how to deal with feelings. I was permited to have them, but only for as long as it took to identify and then move past them. Fear, doubt, pain...they have no place in this house hold. We Heinen's don't feel...we act. So there I was...a 16 year old female who had placed herself in a lonely and imoral place. I snapped, I broke. It took me months to figure out what was wrong...and it took me wanting to end my own life to realize that not only did I want help...I desperatly needed it. I have fought my depression in different ways through out the past three years...sometimes I am winning, sometimes I am losing. But the one thing in life I know is that I will never be in the position to want to end it. Ever again. Ten months after panth was murdered I went on AWE. And the strength I found there was more convincing and more powerful than all 17 years of my mother trying to force the strength into me. I had always been a force to be reckoned with, but after AWE...I knew it. Everyday I am stronger. Everyday I am smarter. Until about 6 months ago I used to worry about showing that to people...making sure they knew that I was infact learning from my mistakes and from my life. I don't worry about that anymore. If those around me can't see the change...I don't really care. What matters is that I feel it. I don't always know what is best. In fact I rarely do. But I do not intentionally cause harm. Even to those I strongly dislike and even despize. I talk about doing harm...but it just isnt in my nature. I have been wronged time and time again...and I have done the wronging...but I have yet to ever take retribution. I tell you this...all of this...because all these comments are intermitten and intertwining. I had a moment...a life stopping moment, recently that calmed me to my soul and shook me to my core. There is no evil. People are not evil. They can not be evil... people make mistakes and they make bad choices and they are selfish...but no one does harm unto another for the sake of harm. I have spent so much time being angry and hurting, and wanting vengance on those that have hurt me. But not once have I stopped and thought about why I have never done something about it. It is not because I am a coward...or because action is not in my blood. It is because I am not fundamentally evil as I would have had myself believe for so long. The human race is not wrong. We arn't flawed, or created in the image of an unloving god. We just are... We are all children running around trying to do the best, either the best for ourself and those we love or the best for the greater good as we see it. But we can see it wrong. I've lived almost solely on trusting on a higher plan for the past several months...but to believe in such a plan I have to believe in the innate goodness. Every moment in your life is a pebble...leading you down a path. When you come across those big, life stopping moments, those are the stones...but still just one part. So Panth was just something in my life that had to be in order for me to survive to this point? Maybe. So Brad abandoning me, breaking my heart and causing so much doubt was just something I needed to make me stronger? Maybe. I'm at a powerful moment in my life...pretty soon I'll have to make a stand and choose something in my life. In all honesty I don't know whats right, and I surely don't know if it is what I will choose. What I do know is that I will not do it for evil, or hurt. I will do it in hopes of bringing good into my life. So no mattter what comes next... forgive me Father, as I forgive those who trespass against me.