Rant
I'm really tired of my inability to have a successful plan, no matter how small it may be. I would have to say that 98% of any and all plans I make fail. I suppose that half the time I don't realize I'm making a plan and failing, but when I do realize it it makes me angry. And not just angry, upset. [segue]
I hate that for the past several months I've been over-emotional. Like all the time, not just from PMS. Any little thing can make me tear up and/or cry. CRY. I don't cry. That's not me. But it has been lately. It used to be that the only thing that could make me actually cry (and by "cry" in this case I mean a few tears running down my cheeks, minus sobs or anything like that) was a really emotional part of a book or movie. Or utter and total frustration/anger. Now it doesn't even have to be that emotional. Just something that hits some nerve I know nothing of that has become hypersensitive, and I cry. Though thankfully I still rarely "sob." I've only done that maybe 5-6 times ever in my life. I only remember maybe 3 or 4 but I'm adding in the extras just in case.
I also hate how randomly overly analytical I am. Not that it's a new thing, but it's getting worse. About things that don't need to be analyzed, usually. The kind of thing I'm talking about is like taking a feeling I have about something and looking at it from many views that are just more removed from each other. To make a visual, like looking in the mirror at yourself holding a mirror. You know how if you just keep looking in the mirrors of the mirrors of the mirrors (etc.) it would go on forever? That kind of stuff goes on in my head daily. Small wonder I get headaches if I don't keep myself busy. Thinking is a dangerous thing for me. Busy work like alphabetizing or categorizing my music is good. Or watching movies. Anything not to think. I want to stop thinking again some day. But since I've left music, I don't know what can cause my thinking to stop, short of dying or fainting or something unhealthy like that.
It's nice how writing this stuff out has cooled me down from being upset about my failed plan. This entry ended up being primarily about something other than what I intended. That happens a lot. Usually I don't like it, because I write more than I intended since I'm just writing what comes to mind and that just makes more to proofread after I post the entry. Yes, I proofread my entries. Usually. Sometimes I don't. But I usually go to my Recent Entries page and read from there, because if I read it in this box where I can edit, it's easier to skip over a mistake for some reason.
Many times I start writing an entry when I'm angry or upset only to have the feeling fizzle before I get two sentences out. I lose a lot of entries that way. It's amusing how I used to keep a very detailed daily diary/journal because I wanted to be able to read back on my life. I have a thing for journals/diaries. If I see a blank journal that I like a lot for a decent price, I'm highly tempted to purchase it. I have many nearly-blank journals lying around. I have lofty dreams/plans for what to write in them, and I do start, but I stop after a few pages. The motivation to write disappears. Which is why I gave up being a writer a long time ago. In elementary school I wrote some stories that I liked, but then when I hit middle school and I was required to write stories/papers I lost the want to write. I remember I wrote a "spooky" story in 5th grade about going to camp and creatures/plants/whatever on the wallpaper coming out at night and killing the kids. I liked that story, I wonder where it went. I don't think I finished it though. If I had a dollar for every unfinished piece of writing I had, I'd be rich. If I had a million dollars for every finished piece of writing I had, I'd barely be a millionaire.
When it comes to writing it's difficult for me to finish because I can't see the end. If I have to do a task like filing papers or whatever, I can finish because I can see the end. If only the same rules applied for life itself, I'd live forever. But I wouldn't want that. I don't want to be alive when the sun explodes or something.
It's so easy to get lost in a story/movie. As long as it's well-written/made I can finish one and feel like I'm just walking into a dream rather than reality. Maybe that's why I've been on such a movie-buying spree since September. I want to escape the reality of college and plunge into some alternate reality where I can lose myself for a few hours. I don't know, college hasn't been so bad though. I've had fun. Despite my withdrawn and aloof appearance I'd managed to make some acquaintances at PLU. Not that I've stayed very close to any of them. Just a smile or a Hi if I see them around, that's about it. I've been pretty withdrawn in general since graduation, I think. I don't really talk as much as I used to. Well, as I used to during junior and senior year anyway. That was the most talkative I've been since 2nd grade. I've done a poor job of staying in touch with people. I was doing okay for the first few months, but as usual, I just eventually stopped for some reason.
I don't really talk much about my problems, I don't think. I usually keep them inside because 1) I don't feel like talking 2) I feel bad since they're quite petty in comparison to all the problems there are in the world 3) I don't like burdening people with something they can't change 4) I don't feel like spending more time thinking about them by talking about them. That said, sorry about this entry and the fact that it completely contradicts everything I just numbered. I can write about problems occasionally, but talking about them is just a big no-no. Talking in general is usually a no-no. I much prefer typing to any other form of communication. I can rephrase things to make them sound better, I don't have to see the reaction of whoever I am communicating with and vice versa (though with the former sometimes I'd like to), I'm more adept with my fingers than with my tongue (Minds out of gutter! I just am. As proved with clarinet, my dexterity is pretty good, but my tonguing is horrid.). I'm sure there are more reasons I could list, but I don't feel like thinking of more. hm. Seeing as how I'm wanting to pursue something with linguistics, this presents a problem, yes? I am just full of contradictions tonight.
Something amusing is that sometimes I'm told that I'm funny, yet I tend to be funniest when I'm serious. Sure, my intended sarcasm can raise a chuckle or two, but yah. Random. Train of thought. Dream Theater is an awesome band (they have a cd titled Train of Thought, go check it out). I've not been listening to any music while typing this. Whenever I write anything I find it best not to listen to music, because I get distracted by it. However when I'm doing anything mathematical, music is ideal. It makes sense. I have a habit of rocking back and forth randomly. Well I suppose it's not that random, thought it seems like it to me. I rock back and forth when I write journal entries while sitting in bed, but not if I'm in public. At least, I hope not. I try not to write journal entries in public, though. Damn this entry is going to be a bitch to proofread. Yuck. I've been getting in touch with my anime-loving side lately and have dug up some old favorites like Sailor Moon (my first anime) and Digimon (I liked it a whole lot more than Pokemon). I discovered how hated Sailor Moon dubs are and I also discovered why they are so hated and have joined the dub-hating side. Though I can't completely hate it, since it did bring me to anime in the first place. But man the people doing the dubbing did an awful job. -shudder- Sometimes it's interesting to see what they cut out. Like in one episode they cut out the part where one of the characters admits that she would've liked the answers to a test (cheating). Are messages that subliminal? Really?
Well I want to watch some anime, so I'm going to stop this entry and then do a rough proofread.
I hate that for the past several months I've been over-emotional. Like all the time, not just from PMS. Any little thing can make me tear up and/or cry. CRY. I don't cry. That's not me. But it has been lately. It used to be that the only thing that could make me actually cry (and by "cry" in this case I mean a few tears running down my cheeks, minus sobs or anything like that) was a really emotional part of a book or movie. Or utter and total frustration/anger. Now it doesn't even have to be that emotional. Just something that hits some nerve I know nothing of that has become hypersensitive, and I cry. Though thankfully I still rarely "sob." I've only done that maybe 5-6 times ever in my life. I only remember maybe 3 or 4 but I'm adding in the extras just in case.
I also hate how randomly overly analytical I am. Not that it's a new thing, but it's getting worse. About things that don't need to be analyzed, usually. The kind of thing I'm talking about is like taking a feeling I have about something and looking at it from many views that are just more removed from each other. To make a visual, like looking in the mirror at yourself holding a mirror. You know how if you just keep looking in the mirrors of the mirrors of the mirrors (etc.) it would go on forever? That kind of stuff goes on in my head daily. Small wonder I get headaches if I don't keep myself busy. Thinking is a dangerous thing for me. Busy work like alphabetizing or categorizing my music is good. Or watching movies. Anything not to think. I want to stop thinking again some day. But since I've left music, I don't know what can cause my thinking to stop, short of dying or fainting or something unhealthy like that.
It's nice how writing this stuff out has cooled me down from being upset about my failed plan. This entry ended up being primarily about something other than what I intended. That happens a lot. Usually I don't like it, because I write more than I intended since I'm just writing what comes to mind and that just makes more to proofread after I post the entry. Yes, I proofread my entries. Usually. Sometimes I don't. But I usually go to my Recent Entries page and read from there, because if I read it in this box where I can edit, it's easier to skip over a mistake for some reason.
Many times I start writing an entry when I'm angry or upset only to have the feeling fizzle before I get two sentences out. I lose a lot of entries that way. It's amusing how I used to keep a very detailed daily diary/journal because I wanted to be able to read back on my life. I have a thing for journals/diaries. If I see a blank journal that I like a lot for a decent price, I'm highly tempted to purchase it. I have many nearly-blank journals lying around. I have lofty dreams/plans for what to write in them, and I do start, but I stop after a few pages. The motivation to write disappears. Which is why I gave up being a writer a long time ago. In elementary school I wrote some stories that I liked, but then when I hit middle school and I was required to write stories/papers I lost the want to write. I remember I wrote a "spooky" story in 5th grade about going to camp and creatures/plants/whatever on the wallpaper coming out at night and killing the kids. I liked that story, I wonder where it went. I don't think I finished it though. If I had a dollar for every unfinished piece of writing I had, I'd be rich. If I had a million dollars for every finished piece of writing I had, I'd barely be a millionaire.
When it comes to writing it's difficult for me to finish because I can't see the end. If I have to do a task like filing papers or whatever, I can finish because I can see the end. If only the same rules applied for life itself, I'd live forever. But I wouldn't want that. I don't want to be alive when the sun explodes or something.
It's so easy to get lost in a story/movie. As long as it's well-written/made I can finish one and feel like I'm just walking into a dream rather than reality. Maybe that's why I've been on such a movie-buying spree since September. I want to escape the reality of college and plunge into some alternate reality where I can lose myself for a few hours. I don't know, college hasn't been so bad though. I've had fun. Despite my withdrawn and aloof appearance I'd managed to make some acquaintances at PLU. Not that I've stayed very close to any of them. Just a smile or a Hi if I see them around, that's about it. I've been pretty withdrawn in general since graduation, I think. I don't really talk as much as I used to. Well, as I used to during junior and senior year anyway. That was the most talkative I've been since 2nd grade. I've done a poor job of staying in touch with people. I was doing okay for the first few months, but as usual, I just eventually stopped for some reason.
I don't really talk much about my problems, I don't think. I usually keep them inside because 1) I don't feel like talking 2) I feel bad since they're quite petty in comparison to all the problems there are in the world 3) I don't like burdening people with something they can't change 4) I don't feel like spending more time thinking about them by talking about them. That said, sorry about this entry and the fact that it completely contradicts everything I just numbered. I can write about problems occasionally, but talking about them is just a big no-no. Talking in general is usually a no-no. I much prefer typing to any other form of communication. I can rephrase things to make them sound better, I don't have to see the reaction of whoever I am communicating with and vice versa (though with the former sometimes I'd like to), I'm more adept with my fingers than with my tongue (Minds out of gutter! I just am. As proved with clarinet, my dexterity is pretty good, but my tonguing is horrid.). I'm sure there are more reasons I could list, but I don't feel like thinking of more. hm. Seeing as how I'm wanting to pursue something with linguistics, this presents a problem, yes? I am just full of contradictions tonight.
Something amusing is that sometimes I'm told that I'm funny, yet I tend to be funniest when I'm serious. Sure, my intended sarcasm can raise a chuckle or two, but yah. Random. Train of thought. Dream Theater is an awesome band (they have a cd titled Train of Thought, go check it out). I've not been listening to any music while typing this. Whenever I write anything I find it best not to listen to music, because I get distracted by it. However when I'm doing anything mathematical, music is ideal. It makes sense. I have a habit of rocking back and forth randomly. Well I suppose it's not that random, thought it seems like it to me. I rock back and forth when I write journal entries while sitting in bed, but not if I'm in public. At least, I hope not. I try not to write journal entries in public, though. Damn this entry is going to be a bitch to proofread. Yuck. I've been getting in touch with my anime-loving side lately and have dug up some old favorites like Sailor Moon (my first anime) and Digimon (I liked it a whole lot more than Pokemon). I discovered how hated Sailor Moon dubs are and I also discovered why they are so hated and have joined the dub-hating side. Though I can't completely hate it, since it did bring me to anime in the first place. But man the people doing the dubbing did an awful job. -shudder- Sometimes it's interesting to see what they cut out. Like in one episode they cut out the part where one of the characters admits that she would've liked the answers to a test (cheating). Are messages that subliminal? Really?
Well I want to watch some anime, so I'm going to stop this entry and then do a rough proofread.