(no subject)
"All I want is to be looked at and to know that I have power over something that once had power over me. What I want is not for someone who supposedly loves me to tell someone who hates me all my faults. What I want is for people to not speak of me when Im not around. All I want is for someone to be on my side. All I want is for people to stop being so afraid to say things like I'm saying for fear of being accused. Of malice. Of insanity. What I want is to start over. All I want is to move to a new country. To find people like the ones I want, the ones that don't exist. The ones who love me and will be on my side. The ones who dont exist. I am loved by my parents but that's not enough. I want a throne. I'm loved by my parents but home is the same as high school and I'm still discussed when I'm not around. And every little horrid detail of my personality is dissected and criticized harshly. And that's not enough. What I want are people who don't exist. The ones who need to find God but find me instead, and that's close enough. What I want is for someone to open the page of a magazine, see me and think this is everything I want to be. Or this is everything I want to have. What I want is for other people to be happy enough to not need turmoil. Enter pity. What I need is to be happy enough to not need to be loved. Enter Courage. What I want is to not need to fuck around with every boy I meet. Enter Lack of self esteem. What I need is to stop physically lending myself to people who ultimately don't care about me because all I want is to be loved. Life story of every fat or ugly girl who ever lived. Take anything they can get because they just want to be loved. But I'm beautiful and beauty is power and yet I only have power over boys who want to fuck me, girls who admire me and end up despising me when all is said and done. What I want is to never let go of my incline to find happiness in people who make me laugh, or in going out on weekend nights, or in money. I don't ever want to let go of it, but what I want is for that desire to be fulfilled. What I want is to be loved. Enter pity. Enter remorse. What I want is to be admired. Enter pride. What I want is to have money forever, and friends forever, and every material possession I desire, forever. Enter malice. Enter greed. What I want is the perfect life with the perfect people (who dont exist) as friends and the perfect material things and the perfect job and the perfect boy to guide me through it. What I want is to die and go somewhere better. What I want is to die and have the perfect afterlife. What I want is to die and find the people who don't exist. Enter greed."