Life?
Life. Life. Life.
Seems that it just keeps getting in the way of everything. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to say. Everything I do seems like it's just not good enough, or right.
People are telling me that I don't make my husband happy. How could I? I mean, he must not be happy if he's sleeping with another woman, right? Clearly there must be something wrong with our marriage if he needs to resort to that. Well you're fucking wrong. Him and I are fucking happier than you could ever imagine. Well, marriage wise. Our marriage is happy and very healthy, we still sleep together, a lot actually. We enjoy every second of it. But honestly? I sleep with Aimie too. It's not just him. It's something that we both enjoy, and I trust them together, and I know that he trusts me. Not like i'm going to run off with her, and I know that he's not going to run off with her. They've been best friends for years and I don't see why that would all change now. He and I are married, and we have a very happy little family.
Speaking of our happy little family. Ryann Nicole was introduced into the world a month early on July 1st. She was tiny, still is. But nothing was seriously wrong, and we got to take her home 4 days later. I haven't really spoke much about her, mainly because I'm still gettng used to the fact that she's finally here, and I don't have a huge tummy anymore. Hah. There's always the positives and negatives. Adam promised that he won't get me pregnant again for a while. Hah, We'll see. I think two is enough for us right now.
But of course, things aren't ever as good as we want them, now are they?! OF COURSE NOT! The day Ryann was born, Adam's ex-best friend showed up at the hospital. Justin tried to tell him that Ryann wasn't his! Adam flipped shit ( with every fucking right ) and he grabbed Justin by the throat and shoved him hard against the wall. He started choking him, and just held him there. I yelled, begging Adam to let him go. Not because I didn't think he didn't deserve it, but because we were in the hospital, and I'd just had a baby. The last thing I wanted was that to happen. Of course I got upset, and really far to over emotional about it. I broke down and Adam comforted me, only after Justin sucker punched him in the mouth. Fucking Dumbcunt.
And on top of that, it seemed that everyone was excited for me having the baby. All except for one person. I was a month early giving birth, and one particular person said "ok" when they were told that my water broke. Not "oh my god!" not "hurry to the hospital" not "i wish you all luck and that the baby's healthy" just "ok". Fucking broke my heart. What if I'd have died on the table giving birth? What if something had been seriously wrong with my daughter? How the fuck would you have felt if the only thing that left your lips was "ok" and something seriously bad happened? That not only fucked with my mind, but it also fucked with Adam's.
While we were in the hospital, Adam paid more attention to Ryann and myself, making sure that we were okay and that we had everything we needed to be comfortable, that he stopped paying attention to himself. He stopped eating. He stopped sleeping. He sat and watched Ryann and myself the whole time. Eventually his doctor caught him smoking weed in the bathroom when he came to congradulate us, and Adam was made to go and see him. He was diagnoised with exhaustion and lack of eating. He was given sleeping pills to take, and he refused to agree to take them. And why the fuck would he? He knows that he has a serious problem with getting addicted to things, and sleeping pills would be just another thing. And I fully support him on not taking them.
Anyway. We made it home after a few different fights and things seemed to be getting better. TJ loves his little sister, and he sits with Daddy and watches her all the time. They're adorable. Adam started eating again, and the sleeping got a little better. He started getting some rest, and everything was working out well again. Until the same person that was trying to, once again, tell Adam what was best for him. Excuse me, did I miss something? I thought I, me, Kayla, was his wife. Not you. I think I would know what was best for him. I think I would know how to help him get better, and take care of him. Not you. You're not his fucking wife. Clearly you can't keep people close to you because all you do is force yourself onto them. No, I don't think that putting sleeping pills into his system is a good idea. No, I don't think "taking the doctors advice" is best for him. Shut the fuck up, and let me and him handle our lives. You don't know him, you don't know how he works. Quite frankly, I don't think you ever listened to anything he ever fucking told you.
Only a few days after Adam and I brought Ryann home, he collapsed from exaustion. I called the ambulance, and they came. They said it was just because he was stressed and overtired, and that it was no reason to bring him to the hospital. So he was put on bed rest, and I started to take care of him. I knew something else was bothering him, I knew that there was something not right. But he wouldn't talk to me about it. Then he started sleeping, and when Adam sleeps when something is wrong, he mumbles in his sleep. And usually its about whatever's wrong. Well. That's exactly what happened. A name got mentioned, and I knew that was where to start. When he woke up, we started talking about it and he completely opened up to me.
She was shoving herself into his face, making him feel claustrophobic. She was constantly telling him how he was feeling, what he should and shouldn't do. She acted as if she knew him, and knew what was best for him. When very clearly, she had no idea what the fucking hell she was talking about. She pushed him too fucking far, and to me it seemed like she was trying to take my place and take care of him. He's my fucking husband. Mine. Not yours. I know what's best for him, I take care of him, I am there to support him and help him through whatever it is he's going through. I understand him more than anyone else, and no one will probably ever even come close to that. People really need to realise there is so much more to him, and there are fucking reasons that he doesn't want to do shit. But of course, no one wants to listen to the whole god damned thing, and they just think that because a doctor said so, that it should be jumped on and done.
I'm sorry. I have no respect for you. You don't know him like you "think" you do. You say shit that you think is right, but in fact is probably the farthest thing from what should really be happening. You say things like you know him, like you've known him for years. Well you really fucking don't, and you haven't. You pushed too fucking hard. Take the fucking blame that is YOUR FAULT and get the fuck over it. You pushed too hard, and now you've pushed not only Adam away, but Aimie and I as well.
Leaves us alone, and stay out of our lives.
Kay xox