The Most Painful Feeling
It’s raining again. It hasn’t stopped raining the past week.
I think it was raining like this that day too. I’m not too sure. I couldn’t tell the difference between my tears and the rain, but I remember I was drenched and I couldn’t hear myself screaming.
It probably was raining like today cause ever since that day there hasn’t been a single time when my heart hasn’t felt torn apart at the sound of water splashing against the apartment windows, the pavement, or the top of an umbrella.
I remember that day so clearly every single time it rains.
He had skipped practice saying he wasn’t feeling well; I had wanted to stay behind to take care of him but he reassured me that he would be fine by himself, that he wanted a lover not another mother. Ha.
Well I got Manager-hyung to let me off early, after twenty minutes of begging nonstop of course. I wanted to return home to see him, to be there for him.
The apartment was pitch black when I got back. I was happy for two reasons: 1. It meant he was getting some real rest. 2. I could watch him sleep.
Normally it’s the other way around. He was the one that usually woke up early, so by the time I open my eyes he’s staring right back at me with a dazzling smile. Not the point.
There was the sound of movement coming from our room and I thought he was probably having trouble following asleep. Silly me; there I was, thinking: Yay I get to tuck in my baby! Stupid. Stupid. Me.
I hurried to the room door, but the closer I got the quicker my enthusiasm left me.
When I heard moaning, being the idiot I am, I thought: Oh no, my baby must be uncomfortable!
Uncomfortable my ass. Or actually her ass, but she looked pretty comfortable to me. As did he.
“Seul-Seulgi… I’m ‘bout to…” I could hear Yunho panting.
I didn’t need to see or hear anything else. I knew what was happening behind the closed door. In that room. In our bed. Under our covers.
“Yunho~”
My head was screaming, but it didn’t block out any of the noise.
Loud thumps.
Names being screamed.
More thumps.
Silence.
It was ear piercing.
“Jung Yunho… How…how could you?”
I couldn’t stop myself from letting the tears fall.
I couldn’t stop myself from screaming.
I couldn’t stop myself from slapping him when he opened the room door.
“Jae, you’re home early.” His voice was hoarse as he reached for his cheek.
“I’m sorry I came home so early.” I could barely make out his face with all the water in my eyes.
“Hm… Ah~ This is awkward.” He scratched his head and chuckled as if it was nothing except a school boy’s embarrassment for calling his teacher mom.
“Yunho…Why?...” My voice was trembling so hard, I couldn’t even understand what I was saying, “What about us?”
“Yeah…about that… I don’t think it’s gonna work out between us. I think I’m more into…well…not guys.”
“What so was I just your guinea pig? So you could see if you were into guys or not? To see if you really preferred women?” The entire time I was punching him in the chest, but not much happened… I was too weak to really do anything. Besides, how was I supposed to really do anything when all I wanted to do at the time was to curl up somewhere and cry myself to sleep?
“Ha… You just seemed so feminine so I thought…why not?”
The next thing I know I’m running out the front door, shoving the others out of the way as they made their way in.
I vaguely remember familiar voices shouting and the sound of doors slamming as I ran down the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator and in desperate need of a way out for my frustration.
I know for sure however that I was chased, that three figures surrounded me as I crouched in the rain crying, screaming. I know they checked me into a hotel for the night. And I know I kicked them out of the room when they mentioned his name.
But I guess you could say I’m slowly getting over it. After all, you can’t really stay mad at someone if your dead can you?