studying = anything but
i think i am too busy to be unhappy. i mean, if i didnt have so much to do, or at least had more time to "relax" i think i would be unhappy. instead, i am just tired/occupied. so is that the key to happiness? i mean, its not that im happy either. i'm just, well, busy. but it seems that i dont have what i want. and everytime i think about that sentence i am reminded that "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need". i mean, i know rocknroll is not exactly the wisest medium, but i find that that one line comes into my head pretty often. as if to reassure me that i will indeed get what i need and if i dont get it then its not meant to be and probably better in some way that i just can't see.
i mean, i know people that are seriously unhappy. they do all sorts of addicting things to try and make themselves happier and i think that only makes it worse. so i have no right to complain, everyone always tells me that i am a cheery person, in fact, they are quick to point out that i skip and prance and laugh all the time. and so i suppose if i am doing all these things (and really doing them, not just putting on an act) then i am doing pretty good.
i guess what prompted me to write this is that i want to be unhappy. because if i am unhappy hopefully i will do something to change that and therefore change my life in some productive way. because i dont think that my life is being lived to its fullest, or at least i think i could do more. but as long as i am just ok, i dont have the incentive. so i am kinda in limbo. and i need that pressure. i know i dont get anything done unless i absolutely have to.
i find that i really like cheering people up. but i think i do it selfishly, because when i do that it makes me feel better, so i dont know if i am doing it for them or for myself. ok, that was a random thought.
i am giving up on the boy. officially i am quitting. its been so long and while he responds to my advances, he makes none of his own. and so i will have to assume that he is just a really nice person and perhaps doesnt have the heart to set me straight. and really, thats what this entry is all about. because that means that i will have to find something new to occupy my thoughts. and really, i think i am too lazy.
and i just reread that (cause i always reread before i post) and it sounds as though im trying to convince someone, trying to convince myself. im not exaclty sure what that means. maybe that i am analyzing too much and should just fuck it.
i think i just really like being sad. and since i havent had the time to be so in a while, i am going through withdrawls and trying to stir up my own emotions so i can go back to my regular ways. gross.
and i havent talked to you in a while. we have alot to plan and things to decide. my parents told me they would pay for half of my plane ticket, so thats wonderful.
and i havent talked to you in a while either. i mean, that has been the pattern since november or so, but i am still getting used to the days without talking to you. i guess i got used to the everyday routine and the cancer calls.
i mean, i know people that are seriously unhappy. they do all sorts of addicting things to try and make themselves happier and i think that only makes it worse. so i have no right to complain, everyone always tells me that i am a cheery person, in fact, they are quick to point out that i skip and prance and laugh all the time. and so i suppose if i am doing all these things (and really doing them, not just putting on an act) then i am doing pretty good.
i guess what prompted me to write this is that i want to be unhappy. because if i am unhappy hopefully i will do something to change that and therefore change my life in some productive way. because i dont think that my life is being lived to its fullest, or at least i think i could do more. but as long as i am just ok, i dont have the incentive. so i am kinda in limbo. and i need that pressure. i know i dont get anything done unless i absolutely have to.
i find that i really like cheering people up. but i think i do it selfishly, because when i do that it makes me feel better, so i dont know if i am doing it for them or for myself. ok, that was a random thought.
i am giving up on the boy. officially i am quitting. its been so long and while he responds to my advances, he makes none of his own. and so i will have to assume that he is just a really nice person and perhaps doesnt have the heart to set me straight. and really, thats what this entry is all about. because that means that i will have to find something new to occupy my thoughts. and really, i think i am too lazy.
and i just reread that (cause i always reread before i post) and it sounds as though im trying to convince someone, trying to convince myself. im not exaclty sure what that means. maybe that i am analyzing too much and should just fuck it.
i think i just really like being sad. and since i havent had the time to be so in a while, i am going through withdrawls and trying to stir up my own emotions so i can go back to my regular ways. gross.
and i havent talked to you in a while. we have alot to plan and things to decide. my parents told me they would pay for half of my plane ticket, so thats wonderful.
and i havent talked to you in a while either. i mean, that has been the pattern since november or so, but i am still getting used to the days without talking to you. i guess i got used to the everyday routine and the cancer calls.