(no subject)
i've been thinking and i think that the reason that i'm so afraid of the future is because i am generally happy with the present. and with the future comes change and if i am already happy with my life why would i want it to change. because it may get better, but it may also get worse. i dont think i;ll ever be as happy or in such good balance as i am right at this second. but then, its a new future right now and i'm still doing ok. so i suppose i have to trust that the far off future wont crush me either.
things are ok right now. school is overwhelming, mainly because the amount of work and memorizing i should be doing is so daunting and therefore i havent really done any of it. i am so scared of upcoming tests and grades and being closer to not being able to change my major. its funny: it seems i fear change so much that i would rather not commit to anything becuase then its not a big deal when things do change. or something like that.
aside from school i have a boy who continuallyoccupies my thoughts. its nice because he doesnt hit on me or do anything forward that most boys do that scare me terribly yet small things still give me hope that he likes me back. although, that is all my perception and i could be in terrible denial. none the less, he gets alot more of my thoughts than school does.... not a good thing i suppose
last night i had a dream that two of my close friends had died. i remember reading the article on the computer(in my dream) and breaking down and crying. and not feeling any relief that crying usually brings. so i cried harder and harder until i woke myself up. and i had tears on my face. i had been crying in my sleep. it was one of the strangest and scariest feelings ive had in a while. it took me a couple minutes to reassure myself that they were still alive.
moral is, i love you all and even though i am terrible at making plans to see anyone and usually spend my free time in south fl. in my house, i love you guys. i suppose i should get better at seeing people. i cant imagine having that option taken away from me
edit
forget that, if i have to add that i think he likes me every time i say i like a boy, the he probably doesnt. i mean he does, but its probably just as a friend and im so desperate to see it as something else. its just that if anyone actually did like me, it would scare me off and so i like the ones that dont give a damn. i want to trick myself because it feels nice to pretend, but hey, whats the point. hehe, it seems crushes make me very bitter
things are ok right now. school is overwhelming, mainly because the amount of work and memorizing i should be doing is so daunting and therefore i havent really done any of it. i am so scared of upcoming tests and grades and being closer to not being able to change my major. its funny: it seems i fear change so much that i would rather not commit to anything becuase then its not a big deal when things do change. or something like that.
aside from school i have a boy who continuallyoccupies my thoughts. its nice because he doesnt hit on me or do anything forward that most boys do that scare me terribly yet small things still give me hope that he likes me back. although, that is all my perception and i could be in terrible denial. none the less, he gets alot more of my thoughts than school does.... not a good thing i suppose
last night i had a dream that two of my close friends had died. i remember reading the article on the computer(in my dream) and breaking down and crying. and not feeling any relief that crying usually brings. so i cried harder and harder until i woke myself up. and i had tears on my face. i had been crying in my sleep. it was one of the strangest and scariest feelings ive had in a while. it took me a couple minutes to reassure myself that they were still alive.
moral is, i love you all and even though i am terrible at making plans to see anyone and usually spend my free time in south fl. in my house, i love you guys. i suppose i should get better at seeing people. i cant imagine having that option taken away from me
edit
forget that, if i have to add that i think he likes me every time i say i like a boy, the he probably doesnt. i mean he does, but its probably just as a friend and im so desperate to see it as something else. its just that if anyone actually did like me, it would scare me off and so i like the ones that dont give a damn. i want to trick myself because it feels nice to pretend, but hey, whats the point. hehe, it seems crushes make me very bitter