A little dramatic, a little outrageous...a little glance into Sam's boredom during advisory period.
It's a movie. That's what it really is, my life. I'm just waiting for the ending credits. Something terminal and taking and forever sealing and deciding...or some life lesson or maybe a shift in the universe that alters everything. The closing curtain. Will it be heartfelt and uplifting? Will there be silence only stirred by a disquieting sigh of relief? Or will the girl in the very first row, and in every row behind her, be scolding herself and the fact that she decided against the waterproof mascara this morning..? A little quirky, really...at times unsettling and a little outside of the margins. A desperate teenage drama queen (original...i know) searching for her path and analyzing and developing philosophies for whatever crosses it. A few voiceovers here and there about how "everybody walks on eggshells and tends to be a little tense, a little cautious...because everybody seems to think the show's about them. They watch exactly how they move...they memorize which side is their best and they practice their pouty lips and hip shaking and hair swishing to a tee, because the eyes of every student in the classroom absolutely always find their way to them as they goes up front to sharpen their pencil.."
Or maybe some insight more along the lines of how "difficult it is to realize that it's not your show...that the cards arent picked especially for you." It's a girl coming into her own and trying just like everybody else... not really to "fit in" but simply to discover why that's become the drug of choice. She thinks she's a little bit smarter than the rest and by God, she swears she's a little unluckier. She feels mature. At least for a moment, anyway...in that moment before she attempts to draw out in black and white just what 'mature' really means. Somewhere in the middle, or maybe even in final scene, she's in a classroom. She starts scribbling in her notebook and then...the music plays. Why? Because she's in her own world. Everybody's always...in their own world. Yet, it's probably the only place that we're unsure of. Our own little world.. The voice over kicks in to clue the audience in as to what she's writing down, and its the classic 'discovering one's self' scene..where it all becomes imaginary as the rest of the class slowly disappears. Of course, she's too consumed by every inch of her own mind to snap out of her zone and remember where she is...for a moment she's long gone and out of consciousness. This is a movie, afterall. Trust me...that's allowed. Time is no longer a factor, as she's forgotten it exists... until the bell rings for 5th period. The class files out and she's left wondering about everything she's jotted down. All the uncertainty of the future and everything she hopes to be. A role model to her sister and young girls...not because of the clothes she wears or how pretty that makeup makes her face looks from time to time...but because of the strength that she possesses as a woman. Somebody to be unappreciated by the feeble youth but to be understood when the time is right. An actress...long and beautiful. A writer...brilliant and strong. A traveler...bold and adventurous. Her mother...indescribable. She's confused, half of the time, because she doesn't know what to make of every thousandth thought that finds its way into the sinkholes of her mind.
Every thought that doesnt hold substance, that hardly makes sense. Every decision that she's unsure of how to make and every guilty feeling that holds no grounds.
The past. The present. The future.
The past. Her longing for everything that she knows she can't have... her wondering if maybe she clings to those past things because without them she's left empty and hopeless...without a reason to be sad, despite her still being it. In a horribly stretched and beaten cliche...back when things were well. When everything was simple and she wore a smile because it fit...she never draped it over herself as shield from judgement and torment and ridcule.
The present. Constant glances in the rear view mirror and a steady eye into the future. Never now. Always "then".. Back "then" .. or i can't wait until "then"
The future. The future seems the most promising...and she wonders if it will always be that way.
Does the curtain fall...does she give her final bow and catch that final bouquet while still caught in a dizzy of doubt... or does the present ever become something to look forward to..?
-Sam.
oh, almost forgot..
this is the very last entry into the wonderful livejournal of Sam, guys. been doing alot of thinking after someone else gave me the idea to quit posting...i've got some other priorities, i've got some distance to put between myself and some things, and i've got to find some other outlets or maybe none at all, cause it's really time for some progress that i obviously haven't been making. so yeah, it was fun while it lasted.
x's and mother fuckin' o's.
Or maybe some insight more along the lines of how "difficult it is to realize that it's not your show...that the cards arent picked especially for you." It's a girl coming into her own and trying just like everybody else... not really to "fit in" but simply to discover why that's become the drug of choice. She thinks she's a little bit smarter than the rest and by God, she swears she's a little unluckier. She feels mature. At least for a moment, anyway...in that moment before she attempts to draw out in black and white just what 'mature' really means. Somewhere in the middle, or maybe even in final scene, she's in a classroom. She starts scribbling in her notebook and then...the music plays. Why? Because she's in her own world. Everybody's always...in their own world. Yet, it's probably the only place that we're unsure of. Our own little world.. The voice over kicks in to clue the audience in as to what she's writing down, and its the classic 'discovering one's self' scene..where it all becomes imaginary as the rest of the class slowly disappears. Of course, she's too consumed by every inch of her own mind to snap out of her zone and remember where she is...for a moment she's long gone and out of consciousness. This is a movie, afterall. Trust me...that's allowed. Time is no longer a factor, as she's forgotten it exists... until the bell rings for 5th period. The class files out and she's left wondering about everything she's jotted down. All the uncertainty of the future and everything she hopes to be. A role model to her sister and young girls...not because of the clothes she wears or how pretty that makeup makes her face looks from time to time...but because of the strength that she possesses as a woman. Somebody to be unappreciated by the feeble youth but to be understood when the time is right. An actress...long and beautiful. A writer...brilliant and strong. A traveler...bold and adventurous. Her mother...indescribable. She's confused, half of the time, because she doesn't know what to make of every thousandth thought that finds its way into the sinkholes of her mind.
Every thought that doesnt hold substance, that hardly makes sense. Every decision that she's unsure of how to make and every guilty feeling that holds no grounds.
The past. The present. The future.
The past. Her longing for everything that she knows she can't have... her wondering if maybe she clings to those past things because without them she's left empty and hopeless...without a reason to be sad, despite her still being it. In a horribly stretched and beaten cliche...back when things were well. When everything was simple and she wore a smile because it fit...she never draped it over herself as shield from judgement and torment and ridcule.
The present. Constant glances in the rear view mirror and a steady eye into the future. Never now. Always "then".. Back "then" .. or i can't wait until "then"
The future. The future seems the most promising...and she wonders if it will always be that way.
Does the curtain fall...does she give her final bow and catch that final bouquet while still caught in a dizzy of doubt... or does the present ever become something to look forward to..?
-Sam.
oh, almost forgot..
this is the very last entry into the wonderful livejournal of Sam, guys. been doing alot of thinking after someone else gave me the idea to quit posting...i've got some other priorities, i've got some distance to put between myself and some things, and i've got to find some other outlets or maybe none at all, cause it's really time for some progress that i obviously haven't been making. so yeah, it was fun while it lasted.
x's and mother fuckin' o's.