I can still be depressed alright? ....I'm really okay
Hello and good morning to all those actually up at this hour who aren't chained by a lame part-time job with no purpose except to put a few bucks in my wallet and erode away the already tortured soul within me. As usual i've neglected writing because i'm so damn lazy and unmotivated... *sigh* hey at least i'm honest, i've had plenty to scrawl down but just haven't felt like sharing.
Christmas is coming up soon, so happy holidays to everyone. I actually forget where I left off since the last time I was going to write about whats happening in my life so lets just go with the current garbage. Going from the ground up, most of you know that I have no idea what I want to do with the joke labeled "my existance" and that even though I want to go... I am not in college yet. You see back in high school I was really angsty and miserable (shocking yes? try to take my word for it.)
I loathed the educational system and everything that upheld it, I took the usual teenage solution to a problem I couldn't solve half-assed... I told it to fuck off and repeatedly skipped class for two years and when I did go I slept every period. In order to graduate on time I took some speed courses as a last resort to catch up... but even those I didn't take seriously and barely passed. Regardless though I recieved my diploma. Due to the fact that I never showed up at school... I never took my ACT's (Which could be my last shot at getting into a decent college.) I ended up scheduling to take the ACT's and did quite well-- for the first half of each section anyway... I was skimming right along, confident every answer I made was the right one... but halfway through each section of the test i'd get the "five more minutes" warning... forcing me to wildly guess at all the remaining questions. Sucktastic, right? With the exception of the reading portion, all the tests gave me less then a minute for each question (and sometimes not even that.) Needless to say my scores weren't very impressive (Though still above average in some cases, which helped my esteem a little) so i'm definately going to take the test again, hopefully i'll be able to work *faster* next time.
So there you have it... i'm employed at a horribly demeaning part-time job at a grocery store and the way things stand I don't have much of a future in anything i'd like to spend the rest of my life doing.
I finished reading the archives for "El Goonish Shive" an hour or so ago, I like it... even if alot of the plot is slightly contrived... (anime style martial arts, come on) but then again it *is* a web comic. About halfway through it I came to a realization. The reason I take such enjoyment in web comics is because nearly all of them follow the activities of groups of friends.
I've never had any friends... not excluding my life-long compatriot Justin of course but he and I have been randomly seperated over the years we've known one another and we NEVER go anywhere, hang out, or even talk on a regular basis. Being alone and miserable was just something I accepted from an early age. I adapted and convinced myself that being alone was better then surrounding myself with people who weren't really my friends, a good policy... but I also shut out anyone who I might have really enjoyed knowing. Entirely my own fault of course, i'm beyond fishing for sympathy... but if I don't unload these feelings of regret somewhere I might actually take up crying again.
I find myself drifting off into fantasies more and more often these days... I guess its strange, maybe alittle pathetic... I wonder what it'd be like to have my own friends who could just come over. Of course I appreciate those I have on-line and you guys are great, but its just text at the end of the day and you can't hug me or make me feel better about the mistakes i've made.
No one outside my family really knows who I am or cares if I live or die... perhaps its just the hand I was dealt. According to official tests i'm much more intelligent then the average person... and according to several girls across the US i'm pretty good looking, of course since i've never once been approached by a member of the opposite sex in real life I find it a little difficult to swallow no matter how many opinions i've recieved.
I don't care about wacky adventures, wealth, having alot of girls interested in me, or being superior to everyone else because of some special trait. I just want someone... even if its only one, who finds me interesting and actually cares about what happened to me at work... or hell... is *around* to tell me i'm boring and should go to a party. Pfft... as if i'd ever be invited/told about anything like that.
I haven't even begun to write, but i've been sitting here musing over the keyboard for an hour since starting this entry so I suppose i'll give it a rest and go stare at the ceiling for awhile. Till next time
- Freddie
PS. Anyone know anything about computer hardware? I bought some new speakers but they simply won't work... i've tried everything I can think of.
Christmas is coming up soon, so happy holidays to everyone. I actually forget where I left off since the last time I was going to write about whats happening in my life so lets just go with the current garbage. Going from the ground up, most of you know that I have no idea what I want to do with the joke labeled "my existance" and that even though I want to go... I am not in college yet. You see back in high school I was really angsty and miserable (shocking yes? try to take my word for it.)
I loathed the educational system and everything that upheld it, I took the usual teenage solution to a problem I couldn't solve half-assed... I told it to fuck off and repeatedly skipped class for two years and when I did go I slept every period. In order to graduate on time I took some speed courses as a last resort to catch up... but even those I didn't take seriously and barely passed. Regardless though I recieved my diploma. Due to the fact that I never showed up at school... I never took my ACT's (Which could be my last shot at getting into a decent college.) I ended up scheduling to take the ACT's and did quite well-- for the first half of each section anyway... I was skimming right along, confident every answer I made was the right one... but halfway through each section of the test i'd get the "five more minutes" warning... forcing me to wildly guess at all the remaining questions. Sucktastic, right? With the exception of the reading portion, all the tests gave me less then a minute for each question (and sometimes not even that.) Needless to say my scores weren't very impressive (Though still above average in some cases, which helped my esteem a little) so i'm definately going to take the test again, hopefully i'll be able to work *faster* next time.
So there you have it... i'm employed at a horribly demeaning part-time job at a grocery store and the way things stand I don't have much of a future in anything i'd like to spend the rest of my life doing.
I finished reading the archives for "El Goonish Shive" an hour or so ago, I like it... even if alot of the plot is slightly contrived... (anime style martial arts, come on) but then again it *is* a web comic. About halfway through it I came to a realization. The reason I take such enjoyment in web comics is because nearly all of them follow the activities of groups of friends.
I've never had any friends... not excluding my life-long compatriot Justin of course but he and I have been randomly seperated over the years we've known one another and we NEVER go anywhere, hang out, or even talk on a regular basis. Being alone and miserable was just something I accepted from an early age. I adapted and convinced myself that being alone was better then surrounding myself with people who weren't really my friends, a good policy... but I also shut out anyone who I might have really enjoyed knowing. Entirely my own fault of course, i'm beyond fishing for sympathy... but if I don't unload these feelings of regret somewhere I might actually take up crying again.
I find myself drifting off into fantasies more and more often these days... I guess its strange, maybe alittle pathetic... I wonder what it'd be like to have my own friends who could just come over. Of course I appreciate those I have on-line and you guys are great, but its just text at the end of the day and you can't hug me or make me feel better about the mistakes i've made.
No one outside my family really knows who I am or cares if I live or die... perhaps its just the hand I was dealt. According to official tests i'm much more intelligent then the average person... and according to several girls across the US i'm pretty good looking, of course since i've never once been approached by a member of the opposite sex in real life I find it a little difficult to swallow no matter how many opinions i've recieved.
I don't care about wacky adventures, wealth, having alot of girls interested in me, or being superior to everyone else because of some special trait. I just want someone... even if its only one, who finds me interesting and actually cares about what happened to me at work... or hell... is *around* to tell me i'm boring and should go to a party. Pfft... as if i'd ever be invited/told about anything like that.
I haven't even begun to write, but i've been sitting here musing over the keyboard for an hour since starting this entry so I suppose i'll give it a rest and go stare at the ceiling for awhile. Till next time
- Freddie
PS. Anyone know anything about computer hardware? I bought some new speakers but they simply won't work... i've tried everything I can think of.