venting...ranting...apologizing
well my life is back. im at home with mom, matt, and alicia and the pieces are coming back together. for practically the last year ive been in a tough rut that was breaking me. i left the crap ass situation i threw myself into and let myself stay in for too long and i have to say i feel like me again. i actually have ambition again and at 21 maybe that sounds stupid but this is a big big break in my life. im going back to school, taking guitar classes this summer and hangin out with my long lost family. yesterday i planted flowers with mom for mothers day and drove sis and her friends home from the movies. that girl is turning into such a cool ass young lady. talked to jenny on the phone and have been reading livejournals to see what anyone is up to. old friends that im too scared to even call because i hurt the hell outta them with my stupid ass idea of love.
matt is still havin problems but hes matt, alicia is my little sis that i love and missed and i gotta say that weve been having a blast. mom is glad to have her girl back and so am i. for the longest time i did what someone else thought i should do or think or be because his opinion could not be crossed or else. i dont know who will even read this, or if anyone even remembers who i am or has my lj name on their list, but i dont really even care. venting is what this is. when you spend a long ass time wondering if things could be better and never having the courage to see or do anything about it...your life becomes meaningless, your soul dies, and i basically gave up on any notion that it could be the way i wanted it to be. like the sun shining through broken silver lined clouds that throw cold rain onto your face...you close your eyes to the world. im not even sure if that makes sense. what i do know is that i have a heart that i put second and now its first again and that feels so so fucking awesome. i wanna go to bars and clubs this summer, meet people, hopefully get some of those old connections back. the connections that made me the person i am...or was anyway. im actually smiling and meaning it, having fun and not feeling bad about it, and being the me i lost a long long LONG time ago.
so all that depressing shit is well, depressing. going to school in the fall. vet tech. my dream since i was like 13. im excited about my life. im seeing friends after work and me and jenny are like totally going out and havin a hard core blast at the bars in marysville. those small town ppl are fucking crazier than the ones ive ever met. talk about letting loose.
if anyone still reads this thing my sn is still amison1218, and to be honest i havent really changed...im still amy. just an older, more mature, unbitchy and unselfish version of the girl that i was just a short year or two ago. but im not pissed it turned out this way it just took me a little longer than everyone else to find myself...what with the fire breathing dragon of a boyfriend suffocating me and all.
well im off and this is just a shout out to anyone who used to know me or wishes they never did, for what its worth everyone was right and thank you all and im sorry. this might seem out of the blue but i was basically living in a hole for half of the best years of my life.
better to get your life on track sooner than later? i think so and i am damn proud of the amy i am and have become. no one needs that shit and even though only like, prolly 3 people have this name on their list still i think this is a declaration to myself anyway. comment tho if you want, nice or not. i know now what ive messed up on and ive made more mistakes than anyone at my age could probably make, but you live you learn. and ive done the learning now i want to live. this is a damn start anyway.
mom and matt are talking about matts grad party. my little brother is a hard ass wannabe but hes getting the point that life os more than drugs and partying. hes 18 omg and hes graduating this year. i feel old.
im working full time at the docs office and i love it. but at the end of the summer its quitting time for that then school and a part time job. i gotta say im excited and i can live for me now, the best feeling ive ever had is knowing that the bad times are over and im starting new. sorry for the whining and bitching but amys back and i feel my soul coming back to life. lj is not supposed to be deep and thoughtful but once in awhile is ok right? ha im boring myself and i can imagine anyone else reading this is annoyed already.
im sorry to all those i hurt and i just wanna say that when a persons eyes are covered with hopes and dreams of something that you know in your heart can never be good again but you still want it to be anyway...thats messed up. you should always put yourself first no matter what anyone says or thinks and im sorry for myself that it took this long to realize that. that i had to throw away some of the most important poeple and things in my life that i loved so much. life is too short. live for me and me only and anyone who wants to be with me should be able to understand that, i dont need that controlling, demented, "bow down to me for what youve done" fucking attitude. i wish i wouldve left that situation a lot sooner but i didnt and nows my chance to set my shit straight.
it feels good. damn good.
amy
matt is still havin problems but hes matt, alicia is my little sis that i love and missed and i gotta say that weve been having a blast. mom is glad to have her girl back and so am i. for the longest time i did what someone else thought i should do or think or be because his opinion could not be crossed or else. i dont know who will even read this, or if anyone even remembers who i am or has my lj name on their list, but i dont really even care. venting is what this is. when you spend a long ass time wondering if things could be better and never having the courage to see or do anything about it...your life becomes meaningless, your soul dies, and i basically gave up on any notion that it could be the way i wanted it to be. like the sun shining through broken silver lined clouds that throw cold rain onto your face...you close your eyes to the world. im not even sure if that makes sense. what i do know is that i have a heart that i put second and now its first again and that feels so so fucking awesome. i wanna go to bars and clubs this summer, meet people, hopefully get some of those old connections back. the connections that made me the person i am...or was anyway. im actually smiling and meaning it, having fun and not feeling bad about it, and being the me i lost a long long LONG time ago.
so all that depressing shit is well, depressing. going to school in the fall. vet tech. my dream since i was like 13. im excited about my life. im seeing friends after work and me and jenny are like totally going out and havin a hard core blast at the bars in marysville. those small town ppl are fucking crazier than the ones ive ever met. talk about letting loose.
if anyone still reads this thing my sn is still amison1218, and to be honest i havent really changed...im still amy. just an older, more mature, unbitchy and unselfish version of the girl that i was just a short year or two ago. but im not pissed it turned out this way it just took me a little longer than everyone else to find myself...what with the fire breathing dragon of a boyfriend suffocating me and all.
well im off and this is just a shout out to anyone who used to know me or wishes they never did, for what its worth everyone was right and thank you all and im sorry. this might seem out of the blue but i was basically living in a hole for half of the best years of my life.
better to get your life on track sooner than later? i think so and i am damn proud of the amy i am and have become. no one needs that shit and even though only like, prolly 3 people have this name on their list still i think this is a declaration to myself anyway. comment tho if you want, nice or not. i know now what ive messed up on and ive made more mistakes than anyone at my age could probably make, but you live you learn. and ive done the learning now i want to live. this is a damn start anyway.
mom and matt are talking about matts grad party. my little brother is a hard ass wannabe but hes getting the point that life os more than drugs and partying. hes 18 omg and hes graduating this year. i feel old.
im working full time at the docs office and i love it. but at the end of the summer its quitting time for that then school and a part time job. i gotta say im excited and i can live for me now, the best feeling ive ever had is knowing that the bad times are over and im starting new. sorry for the whining and bitching but amys back and i feel my soul coming back to life. lj is not supposed to be deep and thoughtful but once in awhile is ok right? ha im boring myself and i can imagine anyone else reading this is annoyed already.
im sorry to all those i hurt and i just wanna say that when a persons eyes are covered with hopes and dreams of something that you know in your heart can never be good again but you still want it to be anyway...thats messed up. you should always put yourself first no matter what anyone says or thinks and im sorry for myself that it took this long to realize that. that i had to throw away some of the most important poeple and things in my life that i loved so much. life is too short. live for me and me only and anyone who wants to be with me should be able to understand that, i dont need that controlling, demented, "bow down to me for what youve done" fucking attitude. i wish i wouldve left that situation a lot sooner but i didnt and nows my chance to set my shit straight.
it feels good. damn good.
amy