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Its been so long since I have updated in here I actually forgot how to post. I have a tumblr now where I get all nerdy and post pictures, find quotes from my favorite books, follow all these yoginis and buddhists. Yet I wanted to just speak my mind in an old place and take what negavitivy I do have and leave it here rather then that happy place for me. So it's been a bout a year since I have updated this. So much has occurred. I feel I have learned more about myself in the past 3 weeks then I did this whole year put together. Why I waited so long? I have not clue but I guess we reap what we sow and when we are suppose to understand then we will? A year a go I was a messy little child/girl who clung to every person imaginable to save me. I'm not trying to get off as I hated myself, but I did hate what I stood for. A clueless 20 year old hopelessly in love and didn't know the importance of a friendship. do I think livejournal is going to save me now or repent me of my sins? No, but I feel if I tell the universe what I feel, it'll understand it and like a magnet, either blossom or diminish, you know? What have I seen this year? I have seen myself at my darkest days. True and utter dissappointments. I held a lot of anger in my heart. I kept telling myself forgiveness and reconilation but I couldn't truly mean it till the anger left. I struggled a bit in school, meaning I passed my classes but I just did it without my full potential. I half assed most things. Lost passion for most things. What for? A breakup? Not necessarily that, just felt I lost myself, lost my way that I couldn't rebuild. But you can, it's slow and it sucks but it can happen. I got really into observing people, and not for bad reasons but just wanting to understand people better. I analyzed things people said and did to the max. I learned friendship is crucially important. History is important. Like a friend who goes way back with you. Forgiveness is important. Jealousy, anger, hatred are not good things. They don't help. They just plague the mind. The second I started feeling these things was the second I was ruined. It's like the whole thing with the universe. The second I told the universe how I felt those emotions, was the second the universe made it harder for me and took things away. We all wish we could go back, back to fix things but that's not life. Sometimes their aren't second chances. I mean well I really do. I believe the best in people. I caught myself so much this year just bash and bash things that I jsut didn't understand. Do I take it back? Yes, I do. I'm not trying to be all CHristian like but I want God to forgive me or tell me the people around me forgive me for what I have done. So with that that means we all mean well, we really all do. Is it fair the cards we are dealt at times? No, but that's life showing us we can be stronger then we ever thought possible. I look at others during their break ups and find that they have a sense of happiness or strength and I looked at myself and didn't possess it. I lost my identity but it's slowly forming again. There are things I sure as hell would never do in a relationship to come because they are childish meaningless things. I learned everything is not about me and I am not the only person in the world. I never use to be that way so I don't know where it came from. Part of me is okay with that this occurred over a year ago and that I am at a better place now because I see a lot of the friends around em going through their hard times and it's a bit overwhelming. With all that is on my plate now between being a manager at loft, interning at bli/bab and going to school full time for my last semester. I would be a wreck. But I guess that is God's plan, for you to grow and handle things at the way you can take them. I believe in being their for others so I'll be here and just try to give out my optimism so it could help spare a smile a day. The tarot card lady said, that 21 is the transition year. All my greatest and saddest triumphs will occur now. I learned mistakes happen, I learned nasty things can happen but for as much pain you feel or endure, that pain is shed out to the person who causes it. I learned to finally handle things on my own rather then cling to others. I am slowly starting to understand independency and being alone. I'm not scared of it, it's just a lonely feeling. I still feel an immense amount of emotions for someone but for once I'll just hold it near. The best thing I can be is just a true friend and since I am given that I will be that. These are trying times for everyone and the time we all need each other the most. I spend so much time now, trying to connect with myself by doing yoga, understanding other cultures, interpretating all kinds of communications, and being on this peace kick. Strangers tell me about the light I give off to them. All I want to do is carry the fire. Let all the past negativity diminish. I am me. I don't want to hook up with boys. I really need to focus on myself. Be more comfortable with myself. I want a mind of my own. A body of my own. I want a growing everlasting friendship and love with the same boy of my dreams. I will have it, but it's not the time now. I wan to make a differnce and do great things in the world.