(no subject)
This, I leave for the public. For anybody to read, perhaps because I know nobody will read it in the interim. Or perhaps because it is only fair, with the little I ever show.
I apologize for that. For making you believe I dont trust you, for being a wall, so impenetrable that I never realized you were trying to get in.
Of course, that only applies to a few.
I always feel like I say too much about myself. I think that surely it can all be read on my face. And then there are the few, the random, whom I really do just spill it all to. The history, that is- not the emotion. Only two people get my emotion. Only one would ever get to see me cry anymore.
I dont want to be like this. I want to let you all know that I do care. I do love, and I do love you all. Hell, that's the only reason Angel can stand me, I think- she knows I love. She's seen the passion. And she knows the walls. She knows how I refuse to recognize love of humans.
I dont mean to see it as a weakness.
I dont mean to speak as if I have no respect for you.
I'd like to tell you it hurts me. I'd like to admit why I do these things. That I do care. That sometimes I hate my own reactions.
But I do see things differently. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand- not the little things, but the bigger picture. I understand perfectly what is causing your pain, or why you find this or that amusing- but I dont understand why, and there are some things that are completely alien to me.
I'm different. I am me, and I dont want to be anybody else. I want you to know that I care. That I can be hurt, and that I dont mean to cause harm. Some of the things I say I regret latter. Hell, most of the time I hate myself. I hate my control, I hate the way I pick things apart, but I love it too. That's simply how I think this world should be; I believe we should all try, and we should all feel passion. Nothing else quite cuts it, but knowledge and love, passion.
I will continue trying. I know it will hurt. Maybe I'll never open enough to let you see it, but I will try, every now and then. And in the end, I will be here, for all of you.
I apologize for that. For making you believe I dont trust you, for being a wall, so impenetrable that I never realized you were trying to get in.
Of course, that only applies to a few.
I always feel like I say too much about myself. I think that surely it can all be read on my face. And then there are the few, the random, whom I really do just spill it all to. The history, that is- not the emotion. Only two people get my emotion. Only one would ever get to see me cry anymore.
I dont want to be like this. I want to let you all know that I do care. I do love, and I do love you all. Hell, that's the only reason Angel can stand me, I think- she knows I love. She's seen the passion. And she knows the walls. She knows how I refuse to recognize love of humans.
I dont mean to see it as a weakness.
I dont mean to speak as if I have no respect for you.
I'd like to tell you it hurts me. I'd like to admit why I do these things. That I do care. That sometimes I hate my own reactions.
But I do see things differently. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand- not the little things, but the bigger picture. I understand perfectly what is causing your pain, or why you find this or that amusing- but I dont understand why, and there are some things that are completely alien to me.
I'm different. I am me, and I dont want to be anybody else. I want you to know that I care. That I can be hurt, and that I dont mean to cause harm. Some of the things I say I regret latter. Hell, most of the time I hate myself. I hate my control, I hate the way I pick things apart, but I love it too. That's simply how I think this world should be; I believe we should all try, and we should all feel passion. Nothing else quite cuts it, but knowledge and love, passion.
I will continue trying. I know it will hurt. Maybe I'll never open enough to let you see it, but I will try, every now and then. And in the end, I will be here, for all of you.