An after-thought
There is another topic I've been meaning to put down, which I now have the time and the outlet to do. This concerns Nick.
Though I cannot, even now, really confront all the memories and conflicting emotions I have towards Nick head-on (I still lack the strength to withstand their effects), I also cannot completely prevent them from floating within range of my mental periphery from time to time. I see them, and try my best to consider them only fleetingly, with as little depth and distance as I can muster without trying. I'm not very successful.
Some day I might be able to tackle that gnarled web more directly, with as much force as I can possibly afford, but for the purpose of this entry I would like to keep it a light summary as much as humanly possible. Plus for time's sake, I can't dwell for very long. I still must work!
Nick was a terrible boyfriend. He was angry, and constantly drunk. We never spent any quality time together, and he had violent tendencies that scared me. There was a monster inside of him that had taken over entirely, so that the kind gentleman I once fell in love with no longer existed, as I saw it.
But he was also abused himself: physically, emotionally, verbally, even sexually. There are so many atrocities of his life that I could go into here if I hadn't just finished promising not to go into any major detail. When I consider them myself, I feel pity for him.
And that's when it hits, the emotional compromise that I have made for myself that removes my emotions from the scenario entirely by turning it into a rhetorical question for intellectual debates:
How much is a given person the product of society's influence? To what degree can we hold anyone responsible for that individual's actions?
And here I pause briefly before running off to a new subject to contemplate, as I have no answer. Not for Nick, and not for anyone. It's a question I think best posted to society in order for it to speak on it's behalf. I am sure there are other people to whom this query could apply, and it's highly possible that their story could affect the response one way or another.
Though I cannot, even now, really confront all the memories and conflicting emotions I have towards Nick head-on (I still lack the strength to withstand their effects), I also cannot completely prevent them from floating within range of my mental periphery from time to time. I see them, and try my best to consider them only fleetingly, with as little depth and distance as I can muster without trying. I'm not very successful.
Some day I might be able to tackle that gnarled web more directly, with as much force as I can possibly afford, but for the purpose of this entry I would like to keep it a light summary as much as humanly possible. Plus for time's sake, I can't dwell for very long. I still must work!
Nick was a terrible boyfriend. He was angry, and constantly drunk. We never spent any quality time together, and he had violent tendencies that scared me. There was a monster inside of him that had taken over entirely, so that the kind gentleman I once fell in love with no longer existed, as I saw it.
But he was also abused himself: physically, emotionally, verbally, even sexually. There are so many atrocities of his life that I could go into here if I hadn't just finished promising not to go into any major detail. When I consider them myself, I feel pity for him.
And that's when it hits, the emotional compromise that I have made for myself that removes my emotions from the scenario entirely by turning it into a rhetorical question for intellectual debates:
How much is a given person the product of society's influence? To what degree can we hold anyone responsible for that individual's actions?
And here I pause briefly before running off to a new subject to contemplate, as I have no answer. Not for Nick, and not for anyone. It's a question I think best posted to society in order for it to speak on it's behalf. I am sure there are other people to whom this query could apply, and it's highly possible that their story could affect the response one way or another.