The Devil Told Me All His Secrets
As many of you may know, i was one of the top biblical scholars at my university. Lately, i have been searching for an outlet on the subject because my time has been tied up with other things. So i sat down, and started writing. I sincerely urge you, if you have any interest in religion or history in general, take the time to read through this. Be sure to comment/critique/argue/question anything you see fit.
So without further stalling, i present Part One of my series. Be seeing you.
The following is a result of dozens of papers, hundreds of lectures, thousands of pages, and countless hours of sagacious dwellings that have relentlessly rested in my psyche with no immediate outlet. I’m afraid, dear friends, you are the ones who must endure such lapses. I will try to be as swift as possible, and will alter the voice of my writing to make it more enjoyable for a broader target audience. I wrote this in one sitting, from memory.
A Brief History of Christianity:
The Compatible Conjecture of Politics in Antiquity
Part One:
Now, I will not be attempting to point out the humors of literary irony, such as the likelihood of: talking snakes, enormous arks, or the survivability of living in a whale. These sorts of stories are interchangeable with stories like: Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel, or Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Any rational person should be able to decipher the similarities and realize that, had you been born in a different part of the world, you would have heard completely different bed time stories and would be believing something entirely different from what you believe now. Instead, I will calmly and sincerely give a brief history of the religious juggernaut that is Christianity, often pointing out translation errors, social misunderstanding and the ever popular abuse of interpretation.
First, let us place our hero in the grand scheme of things. The five dominant main stream religions are: Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Interestingly, enough, I have placed them in order from oldest to youngest so that you can have an even broader understanding of the setting. We all know that Christianity was born out of Judaism, just as Islam and Mormonism were born from Christianity. But where did the monotheistic tradition of Judaism come from? Where, in a time when most people prayed to dozens, if not hundreds of gods, did a tradition form with just one solitary all-encompassing deity? The short answer is… it didn’t.
You see, before the Jews were a group of ‘religious people’ they were just a group of people. Most likely a nomadic, hunter/gatherer tribe of sorts that was definitely greatly dependent on agriculture. We have very ancient texts describing this group and their interaction with another group of people called ‘The Cannonites’. The Cannonites were a group of pagan type nature worshippers that worshipped a hierarchy of gods not unlike the Greeks or Romans. The main god they worshipped was called ‘El’, he was sort of the guy in charge, but didn’t do much these days and was entering retirement. There were three gods directly under him that were competing for his position. I can’t recall the other two at the moment (if I remember I’ll add it later) but the primary contender was a storm god called ‘Baal’. After interacting with the Cannonites, the Jews began to form their own hierarchy of gods, very similar to that of the Cannonites.
You have to understand, these people are not literate scholars of religion, they are farmers and hunters. They have no particular investment in what god they should worship, just as long as the crops grow. So when someone changes the name from ‘El’ to ‘Elohim’ and ‘Baal’ to ‘Yehweh’ (who was originally, also a storm god), no one seems to notice or mind. In a way, it’s the same sacrifice once a week; they just say a different name before they slaughter the livestock. Here we have the two names for God in the Old Testament, Elohim and Yehweh. Just as the Cannonites, these two were intended to be entirely separate gods! Elohim was a more mystical embodiment and would only appear as a dream or some miracle, while Yehweh was a physical manifestation of God, like when he showed up for supper at Abraham’s house. But lazily, generation after generation, the two gods became one, and that became the primary example of monotheism in antiquity. So, with Christianity being born from Judaism… that means that Christianity is, in reality, NOT monotheistic at all. Fancy that.
Now with the appearance of Christ, a whole new series of fallacies comes into play. Most scholars won’t argue the historical existence of Christ, but I will argue many of the “facts” that describe this new character. First off, the background given for Jesus is a commonly used myth that is given to many of the gods created throughout human history. Horus, Mithra and Krishna are three particularly interesting appearances of the myth. I will give a more comprehensive list at the end of this entry. Because this myth reappears over and over again throughout history, it is likely that the story was given to any important political or social figure, as a way of honoring them for their deeds. But what did Christ actually do to deserve such honor? Modern Christians believed that his coming was the fulfillment of Judaic prophecy, and that he is the ‘Savior’ and redeemer of mankind. But does he actually fulfill Judaic prophecy? The New Testament makes a compelling case, but in reality… no, he didn’t.
This was a difficult time for the Jewish people, and I should really clarify a few misconceptions about what really went down in relation to these times. First, the Jews did not crucify Christ, the Romans did. See, the Jews had been having some trouble with a neighboring group of people, so they called the Romans for some protection. This was a huge mistake. The Romans were very much like the mafia during this time, they would come in and offer protection, but they want money. And, like the mafia, once you start paying protection money, you can’t really stop paying it. So the Jews were being greatly oppressed by the Romans when Christ came into the picture. The Jews had heard about this guy calling himself the Messiah, and were thrilled! The Messiah was supposed to be the one that would free the Jews from such persecutions, so the Jews welcomed him openly (e.g. Palm Sunday). According to Messianic prophecy, the Messiah was supposed to be a great warrior, with “swords coming from his mouth, slaughtering their enemies, bringing blood to the horse’s bridal”. But he didn’t fulfill this prophecy, instead, he died, just like any other Jew that had spoken out against the Romans. Think about it, all that time calling himself the Messiah, and no body cared. The Romans didn’t even bother to notice him. It was only after Christ turned over the tables in the temple because of the money changers, did he start to get noticed. It was not a parable about Jews exchanging money with other Jews, it was the temple paying protection money to the Romans. Christ, being the good Jew that he was, spoke out against this and messed with the Romans’ money… five days later he was crucified.
How did the followers of Christ accommodate this lack in prophecy fulfillment, by something we scholars call vaticinus ex eventu, or “prophecy, after the fact”. For instance, if I prophesize that terrorists will attack the World Trade Center, it’s no big deal, it already happened, not very impressive. But if I say I prophesized it on September 10th, 2001… people might think I was pretty special. That is what Christ’s followers did, they were all Jewish, they had access to the ancient texts, and when they wrote their stories they made it fit with the more ancient literature. Sometimes, this was very successful, other times it was a bit intrusive. Like when one prophecy says that the Messiah will come on the back of a horse, and another saying he will come on the back of a donkey. They’re answer for this conundrum was to have Christ ride in on both a horse AND a donkey. Well, geez, he must have been special to be able to ride two animals at once.
End Part One.
Other Gods with the Jesus Myth:
Horus
Born 3000 B.C.E, 25th December
Egyptian God
Born of a virgin (Isis-Merion =Mary)
His father was called “Seb” = Joseph
Adorned by 3 Kings
Star in the east
Teacher at the age of 12
Baptized at the age of 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water etc...
Known as “the lamb of God/ the light” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected
Attis
Born 1700 B.C.E, 25th December
Greek God
Born of a virgin (Nana)
Star in the east
Teacher at the age of 12
Baptized at the age of 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water etc...
Known as “the lamb of God/ the light” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected on March 25
Mithra
Born 1200 B.C.E, 25th December
Persian God
Born of a virgin
His birth was attended by shepherds bearing gifts
Star in the east
Worshiped on Sundays
Baptized at the age of 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water etc...
Known as “the Good Shepherd/ the light” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected
Krishna
Born 900 B.C.E, 25th December
Indian God
Born of a virgin (Devaki)
Adorned by 3 Kings
Star in the east
Teacher at the age of 12
Was a Carpenter
Baptized at the age of 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water etc...
Known as “the lamb of God/ the light” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected
Zoroaster/Zarathustra
Born 628 B.C.E, 25th December
Iranian Prophet
Born of a virgin (“immaculate conception by a ray of divine reason.”)
He astounded wise men with his wisdom
Star in the east
He began his ministry at age 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water etc...
Known as “the lamb of God/ the light” etc...
He was slain
He had a sacred cup or grail.
And thus resurrected
Zoroaster’s followers expected a “second coming” in the virgin-born Saoshynt or Savior
Jesus Christ
Born 4 B.C.E, Month unknown, (Celebrated on the 25th December)
Christian God
Born of a virgin (Mary)
Adorned by 3 Kings
Star in the east
Teacher at the age of 12
Was also a Carpenter
Baptized at the age of 30 and started his ministry
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, walking on water, turned water into wine, etc...
Known as “the lamb of God/ the light” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected
Dionysus
Born 200 A.C.E, 25th December
Greek God
Born of a virgin
Star in the east
Teacher at the age of 12
Baptized at the age of 30
Had 12 disciples
Preformed miracles i.e. Healing the sick, Turning water into wine etc...
Known as “the king of kings/ the Alpha & Omega” etc...
Betrayed & Crucified
Dead for 3 days
And thus resurrected
Edit: I'm not sure how many parts i will include in this before i'm done. The short answer is, "until i've exhausted my cravings for lecturing". But i have a lot more to cover, i haven't even started on 'Early Christianity', 'The Apologetics of Christianity', or 'Modern Interpretation of Christianity'. So there may be quite a bit more to come.