And so it is..
Just like you said it would be...
First of all, THANKS SO MUCH LJ FRIENDS for the support. I have no idea what I would do if I weren't able to put my thoughts into writing and have such supportive feedback. Thanks so much..
Its hard to say what brought it on. Maybe it was the book. Maybe it was the scene of the night before of all these lesbians so happy and carefree. Maybe its Olamide guiding me and giving me courage. Maybe it was just 23 years in the making..
But the scenario started on Sunday around 12:30pm when my mom came back from the hotel/party the previous night before. My mom was in a happy mood, greeting the puppies and she asked if my sister had called. I said yeah, on Fri..and then the next words out of my mouth set her off. BIG TIME. understandable though because of the way I said it. My reason for saying it, I have no idea... I told my mom to stop comparing my sister and I to our family friends' children. They are the same age, and one is going to be a doctor. They both have boyfriends, the perfect bodies and the perfect fashion sense/maturity..
Of course I didn't say all that in its entirety but just "please stop comparing us mom."
Her nose starts flaring and she goes off like dr jekyll/mr. hyde..She starts saying "And what about you? always wavering ..are you gay or not? just be honest, because when you graduate from school in 2 years and you move away from us and come out I don't want to trace it back to moments when you kept denying the fact and weren't straight with us.
Then I said "Well, If I tell you then you're just going to disown me."
Her face dropped and my father walked in, completely clueless greeting the puppies..
My mom told us to sit down because we need to discuss what I just said.
And so it began..
I told them yes, I am gay and its definite. I'm attracted to women more than men.
And so for the next 3 hours I listened to what I already knew. They didn't approve, they didn't support me, they didn't accept it.
My mom said I will never have a peaceful life, and they're first loyalty is to God.
They told me I can't come back to Georgia to work and our relationship will never be the same.
Then they told me about patients they've had that are lesbians who had to have surgery because their partner somehow tore their vagina fingering them. They're so preoccupied with sex, and I'm so not.
They said when I have a lover she's not allowed to come to the house during holiday parties, and if I do decide to come home for holidays I BETTER DAMN MAKE SURE I LOOK LIKE A GIRL (my mother said that three times) They don't believe me that I've never had a relationship. I guess it would be hard to believe if I were them too. I dare not tell them I've never acted on it sexually because that would just give them more reasons. Its weird too because I know most people come out after they've had at least 1 substantial relationship with someone of the same sex who opens this whole new world for them.
In the end my father said he supported everything my mother told me. I really didn't cry once, maybe a couple tears but other than that I was surprised at how stoic I was.
My mother cried the rest of the night and tried to find someone to blame, my father was solemn and shocked. I asked my parents if they'd like me to leave the house and just go back to school early. My mom said do whatever you want, my father said to stay because it would make things worse if I just ran away.
Last night my mother was away the entire day. My father confronted me last night and told me examples of gay men and women, some in our family whos lives were apparently ruined because of their choices. And that during that day my mom has gone to see 3 therapists because she cannot cope with this.
I told him that all those dreams they had for me, are THEIR dreams and not mine. They have all these expectations and I can't live up to those expectations. I'm not going to change. All those people he talks about, are not me. They never will be. I'm not going to ruin my life. Those are their lives and this is mine. I told him I know they will never accept it or support it, but they should try to not make it any harder than it is. He said I've kept it a secret for so long because I knew it was wrong. I said I kept it a secret because I knew what the consequences would be. Then my mom came home and our conversation ended.
My mother doesn't talk to me, and my father can't look at me. He didn't even sleep upstairs in the room next to me last night.
Am I happy now? Not really. I've tried to tell them that I did this because I hated the way our relationship was. I was so secretive, angry all the time, hiding things. No communication whatsoever. I feel guilty that I've caused my parents so much pain. Its no one's fault but its a natural feeling. They told me the story of how I almost died because I was born at 31 weeks (38 is full term) and weighed in at 1 lb 12 oz..And from then on I've been nothing but a struggle and they've worked so hard to give me a normal life.
It also hurts so much because my sister is mad at me too. She hasn't called me and I really wish she would if she cared to see how I was doing. I warned her beforehand before my parents got ahold of her. I told her I was very sorry but she doesn't know what its like. I couldn't hold it in anymore. She's mad that I told my parents because my mother takes out her anger on my sister and criticizes her life. I understand why she would be mad at me, but I think by now she should realize that whatever my mom says stings but its not what her life is. My mom just makes all these judgements all the time from her perspective and I kept telling myself we're in our twenties now, if we wanted to have any chance of living a happy life then we have to stand up to them and not listen to that crap anymore. She's also made because I told a secret that one of her classmates is gay. That she really asked me to keep a secret. But ironically his name came up in the 3 hour story and my father asked if this certain classmate would ever date boys or hold hands? Of course not..But then I couldn't hide it and I said yes he would date boys because he's gay! ha, my father said "okay bad example.." It was ironic because his name came out of nowhere, my parents never talk about old classmates.
So I may not be as happy right now but I think thats okay. I feel free but things at home aren't great so its not like I can wave a pride flag around and sing and dance. I'm just glad I've gained this new courage and outlook on life. I'm amazed because I said it even though I knew the consequences would be ugly. In a way I think thats more scary than coming out and not knowing how your parents are going to react because it could go either way since they didn't see it coming. But my parents have always asked and I just didn't want to deny it anymore. Its just incredible I was able to stand up and say this is who I am even though I know I would be persecuted for it. I couldn't sacrifice my happiness for my family anymore, I had to start living my own life not matter what the outcome would be or what anyone else thought of me..
People say the hard part is over, but I tend to disagree with them. I think its just the beginning. I hate to see my family in so much pain over this. I'd like to write them a letter before I leave, but I also feel whats the point? I've tried to communicate more with them these past few days but they say nothing I can ever do or say will fix our relationship or make it better. I understand why they are upset because I'm their kid and everything they wanted for me in the future is gone to shit in their eyes. Its not like they've done research or have been exposed to all things gay as much as I had. They just don't get it. I wish they would be just as accepting as my friends are but I can't control they're reactions. People say they'll learn to get over it, but I feel like you can't really say that unless its you, if that makes any sense. I can't make any predictions about whats going to happen next. I think as for the future and what I have to look forward to....in addition to my wonderful friends, find a good group of gay girls to befriend and hang out with because I think I need that so much right now.
p.s. Now that Lance Bass has come out of the closet, and the words "I'm gay" is printed out all over people magazine, I would hate to see my parents look on their faces when they see it all over the grocery store.
First of all, THANKS SO MUCH LJ FRIENDS for the support. I have no idea what I would do if I weren't able to put my thoughts into writing and have such supportive feedback. Thanks so much..
Its hard to say what brought it on. Maybe it was the book. Maybe it was the scene of the night before of all these lesbians so happy and carefree. Maybe its Olamide guiding me and giving me courage. Maybe it was just 23 years in the making..
But the scenario started on Sunday around 12:30pm when my mom came back from the hotel/party the previous night before. My mom was in a happy mood, greeting the puppies and she asked if my sister had called. I said yeah, on Fri..and then the next words out of my mouth set her off. BIG TIME. understandable though because of the way I said it. My reason for saying it, I have no idea... I told my mom to stop comparing my sister and I to our family friends' children. They are the same age, and one is going to be a doctor. They both have boyfriends, the perfect bodies and the perfect fashion sense/maturity..
Of course I didn't say all that in its entirety but just "please stop comparing us mom."
Her nose starts flaring and she goes off like dr jekyll/mr. hyde..She starts saying "And what about you? always wavering ..are you gay or not? just be honest, because when you graduate from school in 2 years and you move away from us and come out I don't want to trace it back to moments when you kept denying the fact and weren't straight with us.
Then I said "Well, If I tell you then you're just going to disown me."
Her face dropped and my father walked in, completely clueless greeting the puppies..
My mom told us to sit down because we need to discuss what I just said.
And so it began..
I told them yes, I am gay and its definite. I'm attracted to women more than men.
And so for the next 3 hours I listened to what I already knew. They didn't approve, they didn't support me, they didn't accept it.
My mom said I will never have a peaceful life, and they're first loyalty is to God.
They told me I can't come back to Georgia to work and our relationship will never be the same.
Then they told me about patients they've had that are lesbians who had to have surgery because their partner somehow tore their vagina fingering them. They're so preoccupied with sex, and I'm so not.
They said when I have a lover she's not allowed to come to the house during holiday parties, and if I do decide to come home for holidays I BETTER DAMN MAKE SURE I LOOK LIKE A GIRL (my mother said that three times) They don't believe me that I've never had a relationship. I guess it would be hard to believe if I were them too. I dare not tell them I've never acted on it sexually because that would just give them more reasons. Its weird too because I know most people come out after they've had at least 1 substantial relationship with someone of the same sex who opens this whole new world for them.
In the end my father said he supported everything my mother told me. I really didn't cry once, maybe a couple tears but other than that I was surprised at how stoic I was.
My mother cried the rest of the night and tried to find someone to blame, my father was solemn and shocked. I asked my parents if they'd like me to leave the house and just go back to school early. My mom said do whatever you want, my father said to stay because it would make things worse if I just ran away.
Last night my mother was away the entire day. My father confronted me last night and told me examples of gay men and women, some in our family whos lives were apparently ruined because of their choices. And that during that day my mom has gone to see 3 therapists because she cannot cope with this.
I told him that all those dreams they had for me, are THEIR dreams and not mine. They have all these expectations and I can't live up to those expectations. I'm not going to change. All those people he talks about, are not me. They never will be. I'm not going to ruin my life. Those are their lives and this is mine. I told him I know they will never accept it or support it, but they should try to not make it any harder than it is. He said I've kept it a secret for so long because I knew it was wrong. I said I kept it a secret because I knew what the consequences would be. Then my mom came home and our conversation ended.
My mother doesn't talk to me, and my father can't look at me. He didn't even sleep upstairs in the room next to me last night.
Am I happy now? Not really. I've tried to tell them that I did this because I hated the way our relationship was. I was so secretive, angry all the time, hiding things. No communication whatsoever. I feel guilty that I've caused my parents so much pain. Its no one's fault but its a natural feeling. They told me the story of how I almost died because I was born at 31 weeks (38 is full term) and weighed in at 1 lb 12 oz..And from then on I've been nothing but a struggle and they've worked so hard to give me a normal life.
It also hurts so much because my sister is mad at me too. She hasn't called me and I really wish she would if she cared to see how I was doing. I warned her beforehand before my parents got ahold of her. I told her I was very sorry but she doesn't know what its like. I couldn't hold it in anymore. She's mad that I told my parents because my mother takes out her anger on my sister and criticizes her life. I understand why she would be mad at me, but I think by now she should realize that whatever my mom says stings but its not what her life is. My mom just makes all these judgements all the time from her perspective and I kept telling myself we're in our twenties now, if we wanted to have any chance of living a happy life then we have to stand up to them and not listen to that crap anymore. She's also made because I told a secret that one of her classmates is gay. That she really asked me to keep a secret. But ironically his name came up in the 3 hour story and my father asked if this certain classmate would ever date boys or hold hands? Of course not..But then I couldn't hide it and I said yes he would date boys because he's gay! ha, my father said "okay bad example.." It was ironic because his name came out of nowhere, my parents never talk about old classmates.
So I may not be as happy right now but I think thats okay. I feel free but things at home aren't great so its not like I can wave a pride flag around and sing and dance. I'm just glad I've gained this new courage and outlook on life. I'm amazed because I said it even though I knew the consequences would be ugly. In a way I think thats more scary than coming out and not knowing how your parents are going to react because it could go either way since they didn't see it coming. But my parents have always asked and I just didn't want to deny it anymore. Its just incredible I was able to stand up and say this is who I am even though I know I would be persecuted for it. I couldn't sacrifice my happiness for my family anymore, I had to start living my own life not matter what the outcome would be or what anyone else thought of me..
People say the hard part is over, but I tend to disagree with them. I think its just the beginning. I hate to see my family in so much pain over this. I'd like to write them a letter before I leave, but I also feel whats the point? I've tried to communicate more with them these past few days but they say nothing I can ever do or say will fix our relationship or make it better. I understand why they are upset because I'm their kid and everything they wanted for me in the future is gone to shit in their eyes. Its not like they've done research or have been exposed to all things gay as much as I had. They just don't get it. I wish they would be just as accepting as my friends are but I can't control they're reactions. People say they'll learn to get over it, but I feel like you can't really say that unless its you, if that makes any sense. I can't make any predictions about whats going to happen next. I think as for the future and what I have to look forward to....in addition to my wonderful friends, find a good group of gay girls to befriend and hang out with because I think I need that so much right now.
p.s. Now that Lance Bass has come out of the closet, and the words "I'm gay" is printed out all over people magazine, I would hate to see my parents look on their faces when they see it all over the grocery store.