(no subject)
So...back from China. Also back from Virginia, where I ended up going for a few days after I got back from China. I got to see Beth and Kari and Dani and Tilde there. I ate a billion crab legs. I got a sweet t-shirt.
Nadia and I pretty much wrote the entire book for the China trip.
I would really like to produce something meaningful, even if its only so for me.
I am thirsty right now.
Well...stream-of-consciousness it is, then.
I haven't really been alone in a long time. Or it feels that way at least. The silent parts of bus rides and the minutes directly preceding sleep don't seem as though they should be enough for someone who has spent most of their life as a solitary creature. I have been very wary of myself, making sure I have some kind of grip on who I am outside of a group, or a couple. I will not slip in to alien mentalities! I want to make sure I'm remaining the type of person who can spend time alone with their own thoughts, who has their own thoughts, who does not need the constant noise and reassurance of others. Perhaps this is me being too cautious, but I think its a good idea. I would like to improve my future social situation, but not at the cost of myself.
I mean, I just think I need to watch out for these things. The real change is the one you don't notice because its been so subtle and complete.
Not to be dramatic though. I don't think that a few weeks in China has completely changed my life. It's mostly other things in and around and just coincidental with China.
I wish I'd gotten more time there. I wish I had gotten to explore more.
Sometimes I wish there was some little jar or something that I could put a tube in, with the other end of the tube inserted into my heart like some strange catheter, and all the passion would drain out of me like vivid pus. I'm imagining it right now like a kind of electric honey. And I could save it all for when I have something real to say, or when I need to get something done. So that I can rest, and sleep more easily during times like this, when I have so much capacity for feeling, but nothing to feel about. But I guess thats the point.
Do I sound like a dick right now?
Nadia and I pretty much wrote the entire book for the China trip.
I would really like to produce something meaningful, even if its only so for me.
I am thirsty right now.
Well...stream-of-consciousness it is, then.
I haven't really been alone in a long time. Or it feels that way at least. The silent parts of bus rides and the minutes directly preceding sleep don't seem as though they should be enough for someone who has spent most of their life as a solitary creature. I have been very wary of myself, making sure I have some kind of grip on who I am outside of a group, or a couple. I will not slip in to alien mentalities! I want to make sure I'm remaining the type of person who can spend time alone with their own thoughts, who has their own thoughts, who does not need the constant noise and reassurance of others. Perhaps this is me being too cautious, but I think its a good idea. I would like to improve my future social situation, but not at the cost of myself.
I mean, I just think I need to watch out for these things. The real change is the one you don't notice because its been so subtle and complete.
Not to be dramatic though. I don't think that a few weeks in China has completely changed my life. It's mostly other things in and around and just coincidental with China.
I wish I'd gotten more time there. I wish I had gotten to explore more.
Sometimes I wish there was some little jar or something that I could put a tube in, with the other end of the tube inserted into my heart like some strange catheter, and all the passion would drain out of me like vivid pus. I'm imagining it right now like a kind of electric honey. And I could save it all for when I have something real to say, or when I need to get something done. So that I can rest, and sleep more easily during times like this, when I have so much capacity for feeling, but nothing to feel about. But I guess thats the point.
Do I sound like a dick right now?