(no subject)
I feel Angel’s hands on me.. my heart is racing.. I feel.. nothing.
It is like stopping a movie in the middle and taking the tape out and laying it on the coffee table and just walking away. Just leaving the movie half watched, stopping at a particularly climatic scene where the heroin is about to be killed by the villain. I wonder what Rupert would think of this Analogy.. wonder if he even has a VCR. I think I suggested watching a movie and he pulled out the paper to see what was playing. I just wanted to rent something, curl up on the couch, have a really huge bowl of popcorn, and cuddle. He did not have a vcr and felt it would be far more romantic to go out to a theater theatre.
I never though much about the days before my death.. the hours.. the minutes. It never crossed my mind.. just the warmth and the peace. I never even thought of Angelus until the minute I felt the warmth pull away and I fell .. fell.. plunged into the light.. the darkness. I was falling so hard and so fast of course I knew when I hit I would hit hard.
Stick the movie back in the VCR and hit play, usually it starts about a few seconds before you stopped when you do this.. a few seconds to remember the feel of his cold dead hands and the sound of your heart beating because his heart does not make a sound.. he does not even have the decency to breathe.
You breathe though, your heart beats in your chest, this feels strange, you have not dealt with this in a long time.
“Angelus.” Light filters through my eyelids but I am scared to open them. I don’t understand what is going on and the fear I felt.. the fear at the moment of dying.. I feel that right now, every neuron burns with it. I know soon I will have to open my eyes and face this.. but for now I just keep them closed.
It is like stopping a movie in the middle and taking the tape out and laying it on the coffee table and just walking away. Just leaving the movie half watched, stopping at a particularly climatic scene where the heroin is about to be killed by the villain. I wonder what Rupert would think of this Analogy.. wonder if he even has a VCR. I think I suggested watching a movie and he pulled out the paper to see what was playing. I just wanted to rent something, curl up on the couch, have a really huge bowl of popcorn, and cuddle. He did not have a vcr and felt it would be far more romantic to go out to a theater theatre.
I never though much about the days before my death.. the hours.. the minutes. It never crossed my mind.. just the warmth and the peace. I never even thought of Angelus until the minute I felt the warmth pull away and I fell .. fell.. plunged into the light.. the darkness. I was falling so hard and so fast of course I knew when I hit I would hit hard.
Stick the movie back in the VCR and hit play, usually it starts about a few seconds before you stopped when you do this.. a few seconds to remember the feel of his cold dead hands and the sound of your heart beating because his heart does not make a sound.. he does not even have the decency to breathe.
You breathe though, your heart beats in your chest, this feels strange, you have not dealt with this in a long time.
“Angelus.” Light filters through my eyelids but I am scared to open them. I don’t understand what is going on and the fear I felt.. the fear at the moment of dying.. I feel that right now, every neuron burns with it. I know soon I will have to open my eyes and face this.. but for now I just keep them closed.