Thanksgiving Part 1
The Barnes apartment was all but silent. The Barnes apartment was seldom noisy. Jake didn’t know -- he’d spent the majority of the last year away from home, at school or travelling with his family or Anthony’s -- but likely it hadn’t been since Amelia spent nights there. And even she tended to be quieter in the presence of his family. Tonight Jake was alone. His mother wasn’t expected until the morning and James had headed to a pre-holiday meeting with the senior Avengers after dinner. Holidays went much more smoothly with a little planning. Jamie was at the meeting but only as a courtesy; the younger Avengers would be last activated and they hadn’t had to declare an emergency in years. Jake knocked on his wooden desk at the thought -- a habit he hadn’t realized he’d picked up from his father. He shook his head, barely smiling but his eyes were secretly laughing, exactly as his mother might. Thus distracted he nearly missed the second knock.
Startled he was immediately on guard and ducked back into the shadows before determining who was at his window. In contrast his visitor was making no attempt to hide. She chewed her lip when he met her eyes and he felt his stomach drop. He still wasn’t used to the hesitation that existed between them again. He didn’t know if he ever could be.
Jake wasn’t expecting to see Amelia before dinner the next day and she hadn’t appeared at his window in nearly a year. The last time, midnight on New Year’s, she’d disappeared before he could invite her in. Hoping this time would be different he unlatched the window and stepped back.
She leaped down. “It’s cold!” Her breath puffed between them. Jake frowned and turned to close the window tightly.
“Do you want a blanket?” Her cheeks were bright red but she was otherwise as pale as he’d ever seen her. And small, with no outerwear, which worried him. The visit didn’t seem well thought out.
“No. I want…” She took a breath and closed the space between them in rushed steps. Jake folded her into his arms without hesitation. They stood entwined until her heart stopped racing. Jake felt suddenly whole but forced the feeling back to the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to scare her away again, not when she so clearly needed him.
Finally Amelia took a step back and looked up to meet his eyes. Hers shined with tears that had nothing to do with the cold or dark. “Maybe we could just pretend the last year and a half didn't happen?”
Jake took a deep breath. "Why don't we pretend that it happened so it never happens again."
Amelia burst into tears. Jake burst into action. He pulled her back into a tight embrace and half-carried her over to the bed. He sat her gently down, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and clasped her hands in his. He waited calmly for her to speak.
“I feel lost. I keep trying to find my balance but I just get more lost. And the truth is I don’t want to run away. Or hide.” She shook her head. She hated how useless words always seemed. “I want to belong here.”
“You belong with me.” He spoke with all the confidence she couldn’t find.
Amelia chewed her lip. “I worry… you don’t belong with me.”
He shook his head. “I don’t worry about that at all.” He never did, even when they were apart. He sounded so certain Amelia wondered if she was so overwhelmed because all his worry transferred to her.
“What if other people do?”
Jake shook his head again. “The only other person whose opinion matters is you.” He brushed a hair out of her eyes. “And maybe your family a little.”
Her eyes darkened. “What about your family?”
Jake frowned. He didn't really know how to explain. Their family dynamics were so different. “No.” She looked like she would cry again. “I’m independent from my family in this sort of thing.”
Amelia swallowed, and blinked, to keep her tears back. She had to answer clearly. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings but she needed him to understand her point of view. “That sounds like you know I'll never measure up.” Jake’s frown deepened. “But you love me either way so it's easier to decide not to care than to ask.” Her voice caught. “But I’m still not good enough.”
“That's not what I meant.”
Amelia nodded. “I know.” She looked at her hands. Jake searched for the right words. Amelia bit her lip. “Would you ever lie to me?”
“Not if it were up to me.”
Amelia nodded again, excitedly meeting his gaze. “That's the problem. Exactly.”
Jake shook his head. “I don't understand.”
“Because it won't always be up to you,” she explained. “And I need to be strong enough to accept it. But I’m not and I don't know how to change because -- because I don't really want to.” She clasped her hands around his. “I don't want any lies or secrets between us. Not ever, not for any reason. I don't care if it's a matter of national security and I absolutely refuse to accept it as something done to protect me!” Her volume was rising and she worried she sounded more hysterical than vehement. She took a breath. “That's why your parents and even my mother don't entirely approve of me.” Her eyes tightened. “But my dad gets it.”
Jake pursed his lips. “I can live a life that won't have secrets I have to keep from you.” Her hands clutched his so tightly it stung. “It’s not the path I’m on now, but if that’s what you need, I can do it.”
“But this is the path you want.” They’d discussed it the day they got together. Before they got together. She’d always known and she’d never argued. She felt herself starting to tremble; she couldn’t stop.
“It's not the only path I want.” He spoke clearly and directly, with no hesitation.
Amelia blinked. Jake’s eyes willed her to believe him. “Why can't they just trust me?” she demanded.
“They who?”
“Whoever has the secrets!” She was shouting now. She wished she wasn’t. Wasn’t shouting or trembling or ...crying, yes, she was crying too.
“Oh. Maybe they can.” He pulled his hands away so he could hold her shoulders. “I don't know.”
“I do,” she countered angrily. “No one trusts me.”
Jake stroked her arm calmly with his thumbs. “I trust you.”
“When it's up to you.” She was deflating but he wouldn’t let her fall away, instead he pulled her closer.
“I always trust you.”
She gave in to the tears and he gathered her into a tight embrace. Amelia was exhausted from trying. Trying anything and here she was exactly where she began. She would never be strong enough not to need him and she was terrified it would kill them both.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was barely a whisper and before she spoke Jake had thought she might be asleep. “I know I’m being unfair. Unreasonable.” She tilted her head up to meet his eyes. “But it is what I want.” She swallowed a tear. “I don’t want to hold back with you. Not anything, not ever.” She touched his cheek. “And it’s only right if you never hold back either.”
Keeping his eyes locked to hers Jake turned his head to brush her hand with his lips. “I can live that way. With no secrets.” He kissed her hand again. “I’ll prove it to you. I’m not inactive as a Young Avenger. I’m on an undercover team that handles covert operations. It’s a secret.”
Amelia sat up. “I knew it!” she said. Half hushed, half shouted, all vindicated. “And Lindy, too, right? Right?”
Jake frowned.
“I know.” She was trembling again, but it had a wholly different energy. “It’s not enough to lie to me, you have to drag Ben into it, too.” Jake started to speak but she shook his head. “I don’t mean you. I know who it is.” She looked momentarily murderous; Jake was scared.
“Amelia…” She met his eyes and the anger disappeared.
“I’m sorry.” She closed the space between them, touched her forehead to his, eyes closed, tears rushing back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She kissed his face between every word, apologizing for a hundred things all at once. He didn’t know how to answer so he stayed quiet, watching. She opened her eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I know.” She kissed him again. “You don’t have to prove anything. I don’t want proof. I want… I just want to where you are… and …” She held his face in her hands. “I can’t help you if you can’t tell me what you’re doing. I don’t want to be in the way...I want to listen, I want… I want you. I want all of you.” She kissed him again, fully and deeply and desperately. Jake moved his hands over hers and held on as tightly as she held him. She drew back only when she couldn’t breathe any more.
“You have all of me,” Jake asserted. “You always--”
“Shh.” Pulling his shirt over his head she pushed him back onto the bed, determined to have all of him in every way.
Startled he was immediately on guard and ducked back into the shadows before determining who was at his window. In contrast his visitor was making no attempt to hide. She chewed her lip when he met her eyes and he felt his stomach drop. He still wasn’t used to the hesitation that existed between them again. He didn’t know if he ever could be.
Jake wasn’t expecting to see Amelia before dinner the next day and she hadn’t appeared at his window in nearly a year. The last time, midnight on New Year’s, she’d disappeared before he could invite her in. Hoping this time would be different he unlatched the window and stepped back.
She leaped down. “It’s cold!” Her breath puffed between them. Jake frowned and turned to close the window tightly.
“Do you want a blanket?” Her cheeks were bright red but she was otherwise as pale as he’d ever seen her. And small, with no outerwear, which worried him. The visit didn’t seem well thought out.
“No. I want…” She took a breath and closed the space between them in rushed steps. Jake folded her into his arms without hesitation. They stood entwined until her heart stopped racing. Jake felt suddenly whole but forced the feeling back to the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to scare her away again, not when she so clearly needed him.
Finally Amelia took a step back and looked up to meet his eyes. Hers shined with tears that had nothing to do with the cold or dark. “Maybe we could just pretend the last year and a half didn't happen?”
Jake took a deep breath. "Why don't we pretend that it happened so it never happens again."
Amelia burst into tears. Jake burst into action. He pulled her back into a tight embrace and half-carried her over to the bed. He sat her gently down, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and clasped her hands in his. He waited calmly for her to speak.
“I feel lost. I keep trying to find my balance but I just get more lost. And the truth is I don’t want to run away. Or hide.” She shook her head. She hated how useless words always seemed. “I want to belong here.”
“You belong with me.” He spoke with all the confidence she couldn’t find.
Amelia chewed her lip. “I worry… you don’t belong with me.”
He shook his head. “I don’t worry about that at all.” He never did, even when they were apart. He sounded so certain Amelia wondered if she was so overwhelmed because all his worry transferred to her.
“What if other people do?”
Jake shook his head again. “The only other person whose opinion matters is you.” He brushed a hair out of her eyes. “And maybe your family a little.”
Her eyes darkened. “What about your family?”
Jake frowned. He didn't really know how to explain. Their family dynamics were so different. “No.” She looked like she would cry again. “I’m independent from my family in this sort of thing.”
Amelia swallowed, and blinked, to keep her tears back. She had to answer clearly. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings but she needed him to understand her point of view. “That sounds like you know I'll never measure up.” Jake’s frown deepened. “But you love me either way so it's easier to decide not to care than to ask.” Her voice caught. “But I’m still not good enough.”
“That's not what I meant.”
Amelia nodded. “I know.” She looked at her hands. Jake searched for the right words. Amelia bit her lip. “Would you ever lie to me?”
“Not if it were up to me.”
Amelia nodded again, excitedly meeting his gaze. “That's the problem. Exactly.”
Jake shook his head. “I don't understand.”
“Because it won't always be up to you,” she explained. “And I need to be strong enough to accept it. But I’m not and I don't know how to change because -- because I don't really want to.” She clasped her hands around his. “I don't want any lies or secrets between us. Not ever, not for any reason. I don't care if it's a matter of national security and I absolutely refuse to accept it as something done to protect me!” Her volume was rising and she worried she sounded more hysterical than vehement. She took a breath. “That's why your parents and even my mother don't entirely approve of me.” Her eyes tightened. “But my dad gets it.”
Jake pursed his lips. “I can live a life that won't have secrets I have to keep from you.” Her hands clutched his so tightly it stung. “It’s not the path I’m on now, but if that’s what you need, I can do it.”
“But this is the path you want.” They’d discussed it the day they got together. Before they got together. She’d always known and she’d never argued. She felt herself starting to tremble; she couldn’t stop.
“It's not the only path I want.” He spoke clearly and directly, with no hesitation.
Amelia blinked. Jake’s eyes willed her to believe him. “Why can't they just trust me?” she demanded.
“They who?”
“Whoever has the secrets!” She was shouting now. She wished she wasn’t. Wasn’t shouting or trembling or ...crying, yes, she was crying too.
“Oh. Maybe they can.” He pulled his hands away so he could hold her shoulders. “I don't know.”
“I do,” she countered angrily. “No one trusts me.”
Jake stroked her arm calmly with his thumbs. “I trust you.”
“When it's up to you.” She was deflating but he wouldn’t let her fall away, instead he pulled her closer.
“I always trust you.”
She gave in to the tears and he gathered her into a tight embrace. Amelia was exhausted from trying. Trying anything and here she was exactly where she began. She would never be strong enough not to need him and she was terrified it would kill them both.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was barely a whisper and before she spoke Jake had thought she might be asleep. “I know I’m being unfair. Unreasonable.” She tilted her head up to meet his eyes. “But it is what I want.” She swallowed a tear. “I don’t want to hold back with you. Not anything, not ever.” She touched his cheek. “And it’s only right if you never hold back either.”
Keeping his eyes locked to hers Jake turned his head to brush her hand with his lips. “I can live that way. With no secrets.” He kissed her hand again. “I’ll prove it to you. I’m not inactive as a Young Avenger. I’m on an undercover team that handles covert operations. It’s a secret.”
Amelia sat up. “I knew it!” she said. Half hushed, half shouted, all vindicated. “And Lindy, too, right? Right?”
Jake frowned.
“I know.” She was trembling again, but it had a wholly different energy. “It’s not enough to lie to me, you have to drag Ben into it, too.” Jake started to speak but she shook his head. “I don’t mean you. I know who it is.” She looked momentarily murderous; Jake was scared.
“Amelia…” She met his eyes and the anger disappeared.
“I’m sorry.” She closed the space between them, touched her forehead to his, eyes closed, tears rushing back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She kissed his face between every word, apologizing for a hundred things all at once. He didn’t know how to answer so he stayed quiet, watching. She opened her eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I know.” She kissed him again. “You don’t have to prove anything. I don’t want proof. I want… I just want to where you are… and …” She held his face in her hands. “I can’t help you if you can’t tell me what you’re doing. I don’t want to be in the way...I want to listen, I want… I want you. I want all of you.” She kissed him again, fully and deeply and desperately. Jake moved his hands over hers and held on as tightly as she held him. She drew back only when she couldn’t breathe any more.
“You have all of me,” Jake asserted. “You always--”
“Shh.” Pulling his shirt over his head she pushed him back onto the bed, determined to have all of him in every way.