3ft isn't supposed to feel like 327.2 miles
Before I begin, I would like to make it known that my initial objective is not make this an unpleasant disertation, but let the record also state that I feel as though it will end up most unpleasant.
I've returned back to Tallahassee and am finally sitting in my room listening to the sounds of Copeland and relaxed in my nest atop the hills that roll. I left Wednesday night at around 11 p.m. for Brandon, Florida with two objectives: 1) to spend quality time with my mother & 2) to spend quality time with my girlfriend. Neither of these objectives was fufilled, and it is the reasons why they were not fufilled, that fuel my current level of frustration, almost anger and rage. These two women are the most important in my life at this moment, and I miss them both greatly, even this very second.
My mother left town only an hour after I arrived. She had to leave for Mississippi to attend a funeral and bought the ticket between the time that I left for Brandon and the time that I arrived. I only had a few moments with her because she had to pack and head for the airport, before I could even get my shoes off. I was most upset by this because she and I had made so many plans to do things during the four days that I would be in Brandon. But before I had the chance to be upset, she was gone and I was asleep and never even got the chance to kiss her goodbye. But this only leads to the beginning of this terrible weekend. You see, I'd made such detailed plans with my mother, only because my girlfriend decided to make detailed plans with Tracy... I mean, I'm very thankful that Tracy and Brittney are friends, and I think Tracy is a wonderful person... BUT!!! Tracy came down to visit this weekend...only to return to Jacksonville on Sunday.... to return again to Brandon next weekend to spend more time with Britt, as they make yet another adventure to some night event.
But I've realized that my frustration is with myself. I feel selfish for wanting Britt to spend less time with Tracy, because she is her best friend, and Tracy did come partly to see and hang out with Britt. But Julian always poses the questions that, in my mind, I've been thinking of ways to voice... "Should you feel selfish bro? I mean she is your girlfriend and it is a brand new relationship, and you did come down here to see her... So she's opting not to spend time with you and instead hang with Tracy who will be back 7 days later...?" I wish that those were Julian's words, but they're not, they are my own thoughts. Which is what leaves me so angry and torn between these selfish words of my heart and the understanding of my mind that says, "don't be a selfish boyfriend who wants her all to yourself and push her friends away?"
Rational... I did my best to act rational. She made the plans to spend time with Tracy, and I did my best to grit my teeth and put on a happy face all weekend, but it bothered me, so much. And I apologize to Julian right now, for taking it out on him. So thrusday afternoon I was feeling bitter and needed some cheerring up, seeing as how my mom had just left me. So I called Julian and called Jess and we decided to have lunch, seeing as how Jess had made it clear that she was excited about seeing both Julian and I... why disappoint? and hey it's early in the trip, lunch... let's go ahead and check a name off this long imaginary list of people that we need to see and miss so dearly. This upset Brittney because it was just the spark that her insecurity needed, and all of the sudden, lunch with Jess became just a snap shot of evidence to support a derranged theory about me having romantic feelings towards Jess.
Pause
Somewhere during the course of this diatribe, I should've taken the time to point out that I miss Brittney so much. I thought that I'd made it clear to practically the entire world that I couldn't wait to get home and see her and spend absolutely every second of the day with her. I thought it was understood that she was my priority this weekend, that I wanted to knock down this door that seems to exist between the two of us...wanted to eliminate that feeling of "distance" wanted to finally talk to her as if I'm not on the phone...face to face...do things that couples do, watch movies, go out ot dinner just be in the same room with eachother for that matter...
Resume
Rational... i did my best to act rational. So after lunch with Julian and Jess I headed out to Ybor to find Britt and spend some time with her before her next class. It was actually wonderful sitting in the cafeteria leaving goofy posted-notes on eachother and seeing her sitting there smiling back at me. Thursday night I did my best to occupy myself as adventure #1 with Tracy began. I went and spent the evening with Dan, catch'n up and voicing concerns. Friday morning came and I slept until Julian called me and said hey " let's con Lil Seavy out of 2 BBQ tickets"... done deal. Went and played bass in jazz band and listened to how absolutely horrendous they sound... and scored the BBQ tickets... The food was almost as terrible as their playing and just lead the highlight of the evening. The Game:
Britt and company show up to the game, dressed to kill, or seduce rather? My eyes lit up when I saw her and maybe a dirty thought or two, but tucked next to her was Tracy, and rational thinking prevailed..." let her have her space and chill with her friends, let them go out and have a good time and don't put yourself in a position to voice your frustration with the whole situation..." Steer clear!!! Precisely what occurred with the help of Julian, though this was perceived as me ignoring her and not wanting to spend time with her...which is 100% backwards from how i felt the entire weekend. Also, with Jess there, this posed more evidence to support the derranged theory mentioned earlier. She left the game emphasizing to me that she was headed to Ybor to "have a good time"... Should I even describe my state of mind at that point? and adventure with Tracy #2 began...
With all these events under my belt, our date on saturday was set up to be a dream. The plans that I'd made kinda fell through and disappeared like a fart in the wind. But then came the part of the date where the honesty started taking over... She started trying to voice this derranged theory about me and Jess and I sat there trying to digest it. We talked about why all my roomates "hate her", and I could tell that it bothered her more and more by the minute... which lead to the worst feeling I'd had in a long time... Being 3 feet from her but feeling 327.2 miles away... The evening came to a crashing hault after that and I dropped her off and I picked up Julian and we went to my thinking spot. The greatest 5 acres in the world!!!
My frustration just mounted exponentially from then on, and it wasn't so much directed at Britt anymore, but me. See, because she was saying all these things, because she was feeling all of these things like "me not wanting to see her, or acting like i didn't want to be around her, seeming like I'd rather be somewhere else"... Means that something that I did, or didn't not do caused her to feel these things... Which means somewhere in all of my whining to Julian and the rest of the world about how much I miss her, and can't wait to see her... she never understood my feelings. Which has me pacing the floor this very moment, because anyone who knows me, understands that I go to great lengths to be articulate and to always be understood in the most tactful way conceivable... So what was unclear? How did she manage to come to any other conclusion than that I miss her even now, and wanted to spend every waking moment with her...How could me having feelings for another girl even be considered based purely on the fact that "...You're a guy and that's what guy's do..."
And this leaves me with my current predicament: Do I search for a band-aid to mend the scar from this weekend... and chaulk it up to bad timing... Or recognize it as something else and concoct a theory, suggesting a more serious operation, maybe amputation?
None of this is what I wanted, but I'm sitting here trying to figure everything out, where I went wrong? I've blocked out the counsel of my roomates, and I only want to hear her voice, her feelings, what she has to say... but even last night, in the final hours leading up to my departure... that voice was no where to be found.
Now that you've read my interpretations of the past 4 days or so, how about you experience those exact same days thru the eyes of my partner in crime http://www.livejournal.com/users/julianschaos/