Comments | young_widows: Mostly Rhetorical Question

becka_kitty in young_widows

Mostly Rhetorical Question

May 04, 2010 18:19

Will I ever stop measuring time in how long since the accident?

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Mostly Rhetorical Question roseskill May 4 2010, 23:48:10 UTC

I'm almost twenty-two months out. Around sixteen months, that ended for me. It wasn't anything conscious, but for about six months now, i've actually had to stop and think about how far out i am. It feels weird, like i should be able to say how far out i am, down to the second, at any given moment. But, for me at least, this has been quite free-ing.

Re: Mostly Rhetorical Question amand_r May 5 2010, 00:30:59 UTC

Yeah, for me it was 4 years this April, and I had to think about it.

Then I kind of wish I hadn't thought about it.

Mostly Rhetorical Question roseskill May 5 2010, 01:31:19 UTC

Yea, i hear you. It stinks when you have to stop and think about how far out you are, but moreso when the realization settles in. I dunno if i'll ever have to think about the years, seeing as how my husband passed two days before my twenty-sixth birthday. That's not something that falls out of even my spotty memory. Either way. It sucks, but what doesn't lol.

Re: Mostly Rhetorical Question amand_r May 5 2010, 01:43:42 UTC

Yeah, my husband killed himself the day after we found out I was pregnant, so I often think about that when I look at my kid. I don't know what I'm going to say to her, because no matter how much it wasn't about that, to the outsider it sure looks like it sometimes.

That sucks for it to be so close to your birthday. It's like, way to ruin a holiday every year.

Mostly Rhetorical Question roseskill May 5 2010, 06:51:34 UTC

Oddly, on my birthday last year, which was just after my one year... It wasn't the thought of his death that bothered me so much. It was the memory of meeting, on my twenty-sixth, the world's cheeriest funeral director. I worked in retail at the time, and I distinctly remember telling my friend that i'd heard my manager discuss the soda order with more compassion.

I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter. Best wishes, my thoughts are with you.

lil_ms_drama May 5 2010, 04:15:23 UTC

What a (bad) coincidence. My husband died 5 days before my 30th birthday. I know what you're saying about wondering when you'll stop thinking of it. For me, little things trigger that memory. I recently realized that this year will be his 5 year anniversary and that means he'll have been gone the same length of our marriage.

Mostly Rhetorical Question roseskill May 5 2010, 06:59:17 UTC

I'm sorry. I'm noticing as i approach my two year anniversary that i'm reacting differently this year. But Chad and I were married three years, so next year i get to figure out where you're coming from. It's strangely interesting, in a crappy way, to look back as time passes and wonder. The first year, i don't feel as if i changed at all. I was locked in a time warp, or so it seemed. This past year, i've gone out of my way to re-claim some sort of life ...but now, thinking about it ...Chad was desperately ill the last almost-year of our marriage. After all that, plus the time after his death ...would he even know me now? I feel like such a vastly different person.

Lol sorry. Not sure where that came from?

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