Two Months
...And I think that things are kind of changing in how I view the death of Dan, and where I find myself in life now. Has it really been two months; and what the hell have I done with myself?
"Did you say it? I love you... I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal; work toward it... But every now and then, look around; drink it in, 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
Those were the last words that Meredith Grey said in the season finale of Grey's Anatomy; and I find myself watching it over and over again online... Crying. Because it didn't really hit me when the finale was on, because it was only like a week or two after Dan died. I watched it a couple of weeks ago, with my best friend, and I just bawled... Because I was telling her about Nearing Death Awareness; and how it didn't dawn on me throughout the show until it was confirmed that Izzy was sick that she was experiencing that. And now, now... To watch the last videos I got of Dan, it just makes perfect sense. And in the videos I can see that he's content, and he almost has this child-like look upon his face... And you can tell that he was just like looking through all of us, and that there was something more, something that only he could see. And this is why I believe in angels, and God, and the whole idea of Heaven.
After two months, it's finally hit me. I don't know if it's because I switched my wedding ring over to my right hand, or if it's because I've been focusing on school, and perhaps a relationship with someone else... Because I don't want to sit here and sulk like my whole world has fallen apart. I don't want to be that bitter widow. But at the same time, I've seen that I've been putting on a front for the past couple of days, and only in secrecy will I cry my eyes out.
I'm also finding myself blaming myself for not doing more than what I did. All the while knowing that I did everything in my power to help him, and even more. I even find myself wanting to go to Indiana University Hospital, down in Indianapolis... Just to sit in the parking garage again, or maybe just wander around aimlessly, like I did for hours on end, because I was so lost in what to do. Part of me wonders if it's because, subconsciously, I think that I might find him there.
I know that all of this amounts to accepting the fact that he's gone... But I just don't know what the hell is going on with my emotions lately. I feel trapped and upside-down; and all I want is to see his face. And I know he's here, because he promised every night to tuck me in, but I can't see him... I just imagine him being there, and his face upon his pillow before I fall asleep.
And although my therapist says that this is all progress; and that I'm able to identify my feelings and this is okay... I really have to wonder. Is it?
"Did you say it? I love you... I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal; work toward it... But every now and then, look around; drink it in, 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
Those were the last words that Meredith Grey said in the season finale of Grey's Anatomy; and I find myself watching it over and over again online... Crying. Because it didn't really hit me when the finale was on, because it was only like a week or two after Dan died. I watched it a couple of weeks ago, with my best friend, and I just bawled... Because I was telling her about Nearing Death Awareness; and how it didn't dawn on me throughout the show until it was confirmed that Izzy was sick that she was experiencing that. And now, now... To watch the last videos I got of Dan, it just makes perfect sense. And in the videos I can see that he's content, and he almost has this child-like look upon his face... And you can tell that he was just like looking through all of us, and that there was something more, something that only he could see. And this is why I believe in angels, and God, and the whole idea of Heaven.
After two months, it's finally hit me. I don't know if it's because I switched my wedding ring over to my right hand, or if it's because I've been focusing on school, and perhaps a relationship with someone else... Because I don't want to sit here and sulk like my whole world has fallen apart. I don't want to be that bitter widow. But at the same time, I've seen that I've been putting on a front for the past couple of days, and only in secrecy will I cry my eyes out.
I'm also finding myself blaming myself for not doing more than what I did. All the while knowing that I did everything in my power to help him, and even more. I even find myself wanting to go to Indiana University Hospital, down in Indianapolis... Just to sit in the parking garage again, or maybe just wander around aimlessly, like I did for hours on end, because I was so lost in what to do. Part of me wonders if it's because, subconsciously, I think that I might find him there.
I know that all of this amounts to accepting the fact that he's gone... But I just don't know what the hell is going on with my emotions lately. I feel trapped and upside-down; and all I want is to see his face. And I know he's here, because he promised every night to tuck me in, but I can't see him... I just imagine him being there, and his face upon his pillow before I fall asleep.
And although my therapist says that this is all progress; and that I'm able to identify my feelings and this is okay... I really have to wonder. Is it?