trouble again....

[youneed911]

Jebus. I am in trouble again. Lol. I went to a party last night with some people and it ended up getting busted by the cops. I was straight though. Didn’t drink anything (that’s a given) but I also didn’t smoke. Why. Because I wanted to prove to my parents that I could be responsible at a party. They knew I was going to a keg party and they told me I was not allowed… my response. Fuck you. And I left. Well I ended up not coming home until 12:30. curfew is twelve for anyone under 18 or who hasn’t had their license for longer than 19 months. That is me. And I came home at 12:30. oops. I didn’t know that the cops told my parents I was leaving at 11. which was a lie from the cops. So why didn’t I get home for another hour and a half…. Cuz I was with nick!!!! We ended up chillin in my car for a little while. I don’t really understand what happened between us this summer. Neither does he. But for some reason I think there is something he wasn’t telling me. But it was so much fun with him. He just told me all these funny things. And we talked. And we laughed. And we hooked up! And we just had fun. And he herd my dad yelling at me asking why I wasn’t home and such. It made me embarrassed. But well worth it. I don’t want a relationship at all right now though. I really mean that and I don’t know what to do about nick. Gah! Things can get confusing. Plus he lives such a different life than me. He parties all night and is never home and can do what he wants. And I can’t do any of that. I can’t stay out past 11 and I cant party and I cant even spend the night out. I wish I could. But I can’t. Even before I got in trouble I couldn’t. It sucks though. Even if things could work out between us I don’t know how that would work. I am scared to ever be in a relationship again. I don’t understand what has happened to me or why I have become like this. I just know that I have. And I hate it. What am I doing? Oh wait. I have no idea. Gah! Why does nick have to be so nice to me? It’s like this summer he totally broke my heart and then one day we hang out and he was just able to take it back. Shittt. I hate him. Why can he do this to me? This is what Brian made me feel like. And I hated it then too. Why do I always have to talk about him? Am I still not over him? I have to be. It’s been like two months. But what do I feel against him. I mean he said some things about me but that shouldn’t really matter. Everyone talks shit. And he did what he had to. So why do I still feel like this? I am going to cut my heart out and sell it on ebay … there’s an idea! Tah dah!

Oh matt came over today! I miss that little kid. I love him though. He really means a lot to me. Which I don’t understand. I mean we talk a lot but I don’t think we ever really have many deep conversations. I really would like too. But its like we can never talk one on one anymore. Its more just when we are in class and such. Mother fucker. I want things with me to be like my friends. Matt’s mom doesn’t care what he does it seems like. And everyone else isn’t getting in trouble. Just me. Always Jillian in trouble when I mess up the smallest bit.

My parents keep telling me how much of an angle my brother is and all this shit. I don’t want to hear that. They would never say that to him about me. So why is it ok for them to say it me about him. I am suddenly the child that is always in trouble. Isn’t that kinda ironic. I don’t know why it just seems that it is. Ryan hasn’t gotten in trouble once since I did E that one night. It kinda sucks. Cuz I am trying to prove that I am responsible and that I messed up but it seems anytime I really try I get into even more trouble. It kinda is making me mad and just making me want to do more drugs and shit. Which doesn’t seem like a bad idea to me. Whatever though. I am getting to the point where I really don’t care. Oh wait I have past that point!