entry 1
I'm about to be late if I don't speed up the process between thinking and actually doing. Here I am with my cage rattling, a monster gnashing it's teeth on the steel bars of a gilded prison, it's so annoying. It's so annoying. I can't let it out, it'll drag the universe down together with you and I. Why do I lose my balance every time, why do I get thrown off, my feelings are a difficult thing and so are yours. Right? Stirring up the wind and the gust of something passionate sweeps over me, what I can feel from you, the susurrous assumptions. What I am to you probably is only in my head. When can we arrive at a decision that we both agree to, if you feel the same way about me? Put an end to the ellipses with a phrase, on top of the hill and send me tumbling down with a push to my chest. A phrase and a period and an emptied out trashbin. The world and the sky alternating in vicious rolling and I hit my head on a rock and bleed on a bed of flowers. No actions afterwards, to be optimal in our standing right now. We probably could sneak underneath, crouching, below the rotting floorboards. Small animals are skittering off away from us, and dust made beautiful by a warm light, shining like small diamonds we could never hold. Share an embrace and turn away to leave, heavy footsteps overhead and rays of artificial light flickering as they pass by above us, completely subverted. You get a damp spot on your shoulder when a can of alcohol was tipped over, spilling between the creases of the wooden planks. I held in my laugh and you smiled albeit a little irked. They almost heard us and I kissed your mouth. You say, "--stop hurting and stop hurting and stop hurting", but only telling me wouldn't make anything disappear. I sit in the backseat of a dark car, cursed to probably think about you when I'm idle, for a length interminable. And it hurts that I wanted you, but if I were selfish and adhered to my heart's content-- how can something be true like that? To be inlove and hurt everybody else around me? I can't keep seeing you like this without sorting out these strange frequencies I pick up, these destructive eventually lascivious inklings snaking up my spine and twisting my heart, surprising that I have one still. Do you ignore? Are you really that oblivious? Your peripherals would alarm you at how much I am fixated at you. I am so obvious. When I look at you it's like I want to devour you. When you're there, all I ever think about is you. It's like I am inlove with you. Why am I so tantalized? You're nowhere near my type. Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I can't mix with you. I don't even know you well. I touch your fingers and it seems you don't care. I don't want you to care, I think. Put an end to us already, I can't bear to keep seeing you like this with all I've thought up until now. I might not be able to control anything I do anymore, or ever vouch for anything I say.
De, which is what I wrote long ago. HAHAHAHA. Are you disgusted? Surprised? I don't care. She's no longer here, she no longer cares, see. Most of all, she doesn't know a thing, that I suffered for very long, silently. Destroyed my life, I destroyed it. Destroyed my life and made me into a mess, the world did. Probably. What do you think? Ever felt this way? Ever felt this wicked before? Ever felt this strongly attracted to somebody else before? She knows though. The only reason she ignored it was because she wanted to keep me as a friend still. The only reason I didn't want to force our feelings together was because it's troublesome to have to explain ourselves as healthy schoolgirl lesbians. I placed this up here only because I think I'm under the spell again. It's definitely troublesome. What do you do when you're attracted to someone else while having somebody already? Just ignore it?
How could you ignore it? Lying to yourself that you never felt it in the first place, the attraction to another person, how do you exactly ignore that and at the end of the day not be bothered how easy it could have been to have "cheated". Sure it's attraction, basic attraction that maybe she only looked pleasing, and that maybe through knowing her wouldn't be more than a friend-- but you'll never know how things unravel right? And going for somebody you're attracted to-- is that cheating already? Trying to know her more, getting to know her, just because she moved your heart when you saw her. Where do you draw the line? Maybe... That until your partner doesn't notice, it's still okay? Hahahaha. We're all pretty twisted.
I'm sorry, I know I was a little harsh. I don't mean to offend you or anything, but I've been thinking about this alot. And how I can't talk about any of it to anybody. I'm not in a bind, I know how to conduct myself in a pleasant manner according to society and moral standards. So you don't have to worry about anything, honey. Just these thoughts in my head are pretty cinematic, and I mull these around everyday and maybe that's a little dangerous by your assessment. I don't think so though.
Since I can't do them, it might be good for me to pretend in my head. Just for a theatrical ride. I'm bored and I wish I'd die already, you know? Nothing is like everything was before. I hate my life now, it doesn't feel like it's mine. It doesn't feel good either. I'm wondering how long I could keep this up. Playing, and then mingling and then the poisons and then relationships-- See what I want to do is to do absolutely nothing. And talk to nobody. Like if I could reset myself and all my counters to zero, that would be my ideal life. A default robot in a hibernation pod. So when I come out, everything is real to me. I wish I'd die already. This boredom is reaching a head, and you'd think for someone in my position I would be ineffably happy and thankful, while that still remains true, the stronger truth is that I want to die already. How unfortunate? Not really. As more would benefit from my death.
And I am just absolutely depressed and I've forgotten how to come back to myself after posing an image of myself that isn't necessarily true. I don't know who I am anymore. And I'm always sad. The curse of literature and the revealing of reality. Somebody just kill me already. You know? Somebody just shoot me. Though maybe after June 25 as I've made commitments up until that day. Or really after July 1, because there's a tentative out of town gig.
Remember, everything is all in our heads.
De, which is what I wrote long ago. HAHAHAHA. Are you disgusted? Surprised? I don't care. She's no longer here, she no longer cares, see. Most of all, she doesn't know a thing, that I suffered for very long, silently. Destroyed my life, I destroyed it. Destroyed my life and made me into a mess, the world did. Probably. What do you think? Ever felt this way? Ever felt this wicked before? Ever felt this strongly attracted to somebody else before? She knows though. The only reason she ignored it was because she wanted to keep me as a friend still. The only reason I didn't want to force our feelings together was because it's troublesome to have to explain ourselves as healthy schoolgirl lesbians. I placed this up here only because I think I'm under the spell again. It's definitely troublesome. What do you do when you're attracted to someone else while having somebody already? Just ignore it?
How could you ignore it? Lying to yourself that you never felt it in the first place, the attraction to another person, how do you exactly ignore that and at the end of the day not be bothered how easy it could have been to have "cheated". Sure it's attraction, basic attraction that maybe she only looked pleasing, and that maybe through knowing her wouldn't be more than a friend-- but you'll never know how things unravel right? And going for somebody you're attracted to-- is that cheating already? Trying to know her more, getting to know her, just because she moved your heart when you saw her. Where do you draw the line? Maybe... That until your partner doesn't notice, it's still okay? Hahahaha. We're all pretty twisted.
I'm sorry, I know I was a little harsh. I don't mean to offend you or anything, but I've been thinking about this alot. And how I can't talk about any of it to anybody. I'm not in a bind, I know how to conduct myself in a pleasant manner according to society and moral standards. So you don't have to worry about anything, honey. Just these thoughts in my head are pretty cinematic, and I mull these around everyday and maybe that's a little dangerous by your assessment. I don't think so though.
Since I can't do them, it might be good for me to pretend in my head. Just for a theatrical ride. I'm bored and I wish I'd die already, you know? Nothing is like everything was before. I hate my life now, it doesn't feel like it's mine. It doesn't feel good either. I'm wondering how long I could keep this up. Playing, and then mingling and then the poisons and then relationships-- See what I want to do is to do absolutely nothing. And talk to nobody. Like if I could reset myself and all my counters to zero, that would be my ideal life. A default robot in a hibernation pod. So when I come out, everything is real to me. I wish I'd die already. This boredom is reaching a head, and you'd think for someone in my position I would be ineffably happy and thankful, while that still remains true, the stronger truth is that I want to die already. How unfortunate? Not really. As more would benefit from my death.
And I am just absolutely depressed and I've forgotten how to come back to myself after posing an image of myself that isn't necessarily true. I don't know who I am anymore. And I'm always sad. The curse of literature and the revealing of reality. Somebody just kill me already. You know? Somebody just shoot me. Though maybe after June 25 as I've made commitments up until that day. Or really after July 1, because there's a tentative out of town gig.
Remember, everything is all in our heads.