Who the hell am I
I've finally come to terms with the person I am. More importantly I've come to terms with the person I'm never going to be again.
I'm learning to love life again. I really despised living for a while.
I'm happy. I can finally say that and truly believe it in my heart. Deep down in my heart not just on the surface. And I can say that medication free. I havent taken my depression medicine in a month or so.
I think my trip to LA was good for me. I got to get away from this drama and I got to realize that I can be a mom all by myself. I dont need anyone to help me. I mean I love that I have help dont get me wrong, but I can do it. I used to think I couldnt. That I would die without it.
I love Miles even more now. he is my world, my everything. It's weird how one day you just realize, "wow, I made those tiny fingers and toes and they couldnt be more perfect." Life is amazing really.
Life is hard most of the time, but when you have moments like tonight when I was driving home, it is incredible.
On my way home from work I kept thinking, I'm my own person. I know it sound so simple, but when you've been "aimee and austin" for 6 whole fucking years being your own person is pretty ground breaking.
I love myself. I love who I'm going to become. I am an incredible human being. Boy did I have to put up with some bullshit to get here, but it was worth it.
I will never be that weak, abused person anymore. That's liberating in itself.
I feel like I've said that before. Oh yeah after I came to terms with my sexual abuse. But this time its real. I'm out of all the abuse.
I finally feel safe. That's a pretty good feeling. When you havent felt it in years and years.
To be able to let my mom hug me and not want to let go because I'm afraid my lies will seep out of me. My relationships having become more meaningful.
I know who my friends are now. And I can only think of one. That's ok though because she's amazing.
Naomi, would let me sit on the couch and talk for hours about the same thing if I needed too. and she doesnt get that bored look in her eye like "ok now can I talk about myself, you've had your turn" I'm not sure if she knows how much I love her for that. She's like my saving grace. I think it was that night at her apartment when we sat up and talked and she told me that I could tell her whatever because she knew I needed to get it out, that was the night I knew she was my best friend. I didnt need anyone else. That was the night I knew life was worth living, that I could do it without depression medicine. All you need sometimes is someone who will shut the fuck up and listen.
Just fucking listen to me. dont talk. dont think about what a horrible human being he is. It's about me GOD DAMNIT! ME! I was the one that went through all the bullshit. being forced to have sex with him, being ridiculed everyday. "you are too fat, lose weight" "you need whiter teeth" "your butt isnt as round as it was before you had Miles" "suck my dick or sleep on the couch" "you are such a bitch" "god you are an idiot" "vacuum the apartment" "i dont care, you only had a c-section" "why cant you dress cuter" "wear make-up sometimes, dont you care how you look" "I think I could make you happier when we are having sex if you'd lose some weight" "i just dont feel attracted to you like that"
but....
"i love you" "i will be the best husband" "all I wanted to do was make you happy"
You know what....FUCK YOU! I'm not putting up with that shit any more. I'm better than that. I deserve more than that.
I'm fucking beautiful! I DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD HANDED TO ME ON A SILVER PLATTER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
but...
"i still love you Aimee"
whatever, that's not me. I'm Aimee Hoyt. That's all just Aimee Hoyt with an amazing family and amazing friends who love me no matter what. broken beat down full of dirt, they still love me. That's unconditional love.
and if you read this and think "oh poor aimee" fuck you too because obviously you missed the point.
I'm learning to love life again. I really despised living for a while.
I'm happy. I can finally say that and truly believe it in my heart. Deep down in my heart not just on the surface. And I can say that medication free. I havent taken my depression medicine in a month or so.
I think my trip to LA was good for me. I got to get away from this drama and I got to realize that I can be a mom all by myself. I dont need anyone to help me. I mean I love that I have help dont get me wrong, but I can do it. I used to think I couldnt. That I would die without it.
I love Miles even more now. he is my world, my everything. It's weird how one day you just realize, "wow, I made those tiny fingers and toes and they couldnt be more perfect." Life is amazing really.
Life is hard most of the time, but when you have moments like tonight when I was driving home, it is incredible.
On my way home from work I kept thinking, I'm my own person. I know it sound so simple, but when you've been "aimee and austin" for 6 whole fucking years being your own person is pretty ground breaking.
I love myself. I love who I'm going to become. I am an incredible human being. Boy did I have to put up with some bullshit to get here, but it was worth it.
I will never be that weak, abused person anymore. That's liberating in itself.
I feel like I've said that before. Oh yeah after I came to terms with my sexual abuse. But this time its real. I'm out of all the abuse.
I finally feel safe. That's a pretty good feeling. When you havent felt it in years and years.
To be able to let my mom hug me and not want to let go because I'm afraid my lies will seep out of me. My relationships having become more meaningful.
I know who my friends are now. And I can only think of one. That's ok though because she's amazing.
Naomi, would let me sit on the couch and talk for hours about the same thing if I needed too. and she doesnt get that bored look in her eye like "ok now can I talk about myself, you've had your turn" I'm not sure if she knows how much I love her for that. She's like my saving grace. I think it was that night at her apartment when we sat up and talked and she told me that I could tell her whatever because she knew I needed to get it out, that was the night I knew she was my best friend. I didnt need anyone else. That was the night I knew life was worth living, that I could do it without depression medicine. All you need sometimes is someone who will shut the fuck up and listen.
Just fucking listen to me. dont talk. dont think about what a horrible human being he is. It's about me GOD DAMNIT! ME! I was the one that went through all the bullshit. being forced to have sex with him, being ridiculed everyday. "you are too fat, lose weight" "you need whiter teeth" "your butt isnt as round as it was before you had Miles" "suck my dick or sleep on the couch" "you are such a bitch" "god you are an idiot" "vacuum the apartment" "i dont care, you only had a c-section" "why cant you dress cuter" "wear make-up sometimes, dont you care how you look" "I think I could make you happier when we are having sex if you'd lose some weight" "i just dont feel attracted to you like that"
but....
"i love you" "i will be the best husband" "all I wanted to do was make you happy"
You know what....FUCK YOU! I'm not putting up with that shit any more. I'm better than that. I deserve more than that.
I'm fucking beautiful! I DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD HANDED TO ME ON A SILVER PLATTER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
but...
"i still love you Aimee"
whatever, that's not me. I'm Aimee Hoyt. That's all just Aimee Hoyt with an amazing family and amazing friends who love me no matter what. broken beat down full of dirt, they still love me. That's unconditional love.
and if you read this and think "oh poor aimee" fuck you too because obviously you missed the point.