(no subject)
My face is sick, my muscles are all sore, these mornings exhausts me.
Reading a book called "counter culture through the ages" which is challenging because of the vocabulary.
I got a book about goddesses too, and how to invoke them.
I get paid monday, and for the first time I have been counting down, for no particular reason, I'm not that broke or anything.
I do not feel skinny, or nice looking, and I need jackets on to cover my sides.
All that I sew looks unprofessional to me, not like looking 'unprofessional' (or like shit) matters to me, I always cut up (or make adjustments to) clothes I've bought and feel comfortable in them.
I don't trust myself to make anything real.
Coffee doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel okay. It's become more of an essential than a treat.
I have this cold, it's an average cold, stuffed up nose when you sleep, runny later in the day, watery eyes.
My mom used to say that I should really analyze that.. that's what happens when you cry (the runny nose and watery eyes). She always has some explanation for any ailment. She figured that if you are sick, you must be depressed. Which sometimes made sense to me because my eyes only start watering when I'm feeling slightly emotional and then it won't stop if I stay on the subject.
I really would like something to believe in, and I'm not going to deny that I'm looking in security in it, I am.
I don't want to believe in a God, because I've spent so long listening to endless accounts of people's Gods.
I would like to believe in myself, but I'm not complete enough to believe in, maybe someday, when I know who I am, that or who I want to be.
I would like to live by principles, have guidelines to follow, guidelines to success. If not success, then happiness. I think I could do it, I think I could be honest, after all, my mother is the most honest person I have ever known, don't I get a share in that goodness?
I'm spent.
Reading a book called "counter culture through the ages" which is challenging because of the vocabulary.
I got a book about goddesses too, and how to invoke them.
I get paid monday, and for the first time I have been counting down, for no particular reason, I'm not that broke or anything.
I do not feel skinny, or nice looking, and I need jackets on to cover my sides.
All that I sew looks unprofessional to me, not like looking 'unprofessional' (or like shit) matters to me, I always cut up (or make adjustments to) clothes I've bought and feel comfortable in them.
I don't trust myself to make anything real.
Coffee doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel okay. It's become more of an essential than a treat.
I have this cold, it's an average cold, stuffed up nose when you sleep, runny later in the day, watery eyes.
My mom used to say that I should really analyze that.. that's what happens when you cry (the runny nose and watery eyes). She always has some explanation for any ailment. She figured that if you are sick, you must be depressed. Which sometimes made sense to me because my eyes only start watering when I'm feeling slightly emotional and then it won't stop if I stay on the subject.
I really would like something to believe in, and I'm not going to deny that I'm looking in security in it, I am.
I don't want to believe in a God, because I've spent so long listening to endless accounts of people's Gods.
I would like to believe in myself, but I'm not complete enough to believe in, maybe someday, when I know who I am, that or who I want to be.
I would like to live by principles, have guidelines to follow, guidelines to success. If not success, then happiness. I think I could do it, I think I could be honest, after all, my mother is the most honest person I have ever known, don't I get a share in that goodness?
I'm spent.