One million thoughts...
are circling through my head. How can I ever make sense of them?
I don't miss Rolf, but I do think about him. About when it actually went wrong, and when I actually wasn't content with the living situation anymore. I just hope if he meets another woman, he will make space in his existence for her, and make her feel valued.
As for me, I don't know what I want. I don't think I want anything, but then sometimes in this room (my brother's student room) it gets really quiet. I find myself looking out the window without any inspiration. All there is to see are the white trash kids kicking a ball against my wall, and low-class techno-drunks blasting music in their car so hard my room shakes. That subwoofer could bring down an aeroplane.
So, things with finding new living space are going slow. My new work is great, and they even helped me with some issues concerning real estate. I'm very grateful to them. But I still need a paycheck in the mail, to finish the package for my registration. It sucks, all this waiting. But honestly, even if I do find a place to live, I still have a deadline for my paper and I won't have time to move! How can I arrange all this, and still be realistic? Everything is crazy. I want to support my friends who will come and live with me, and I'll do anything to make sure they can also live here, but I feel so useless and restrained by my university commitments.
I'm tired of it. The studying. Even if it's just the last batch. Yeah yeah, so I would let a bunch of people down. I come all this way, six years of studying, all sort of extra's added to my record. And then I went beyond all your knowledge and learned a whole new way of research two levels up from my education's courses, wrote a 120 page research report, and all I got was shit directed at me.
I had two tutors who didn't look at my written work ONCE in detail. Sure they said 'you can improve it a bit over the course of next week', but that didn't mean anything concrete. Sure they said 'is this your final questionnaire? Well, this and this could be removed'. Well, newsflash to the high and mighty; the questionnaire you edited, striked out half of the questions, and helped me set up, was quite useless. If I'm really nice, I say about 20% could be used. And still, when they finally checked my work and commented 20+ notes on every page, of course, I'm the one who gets shit on. And now my final works. How can I concentrate?
So you do all this, you take the hit of criticism (sure it's nothing personal but your work sucks), work your ass off only to find you have to do more. You're supposed to be at the top, and you hear about all those things you still can't do. Yeah, you feel so inspired, so much energy rushing through your being to do the next project.
Like the caveman said: "when will the hurting stop?"
My life is nothing like I know it. New people are coming, others have disappeared. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I want to be or what I want to be. As luck would have it, I got hired at the single most awesome position in the world. It is 110% my type of work, and the people there are awesome. I learn so many things every new day. I absorb it all. But how can I sort this all in my head? I work with structure, I am VERY organized. So why is my brain all chaos?
I finally got some money from my agreement with Rolf (and the next small bit is due soon), so I was able to buy things I had my eyes on for almost a year. I haven't bought anything for myself for a year. Nothing. But now I did, and now that this is off my mind, there seems only more room for other things to cloud it. Anything except my studies. I'd even prefer playing a new MMO to studying.
Alright, so I don't mind the MMO too much, but that's only because I'm playing it with a friend. Else I wouldn't bother with all the grinding, all the hours that go into it. My RSI is still too much present to allow me to play any games. Even just a regular day at work gives me pain. I try to stretch and everything, but I'm so focused at work that it still sneaks up on me. So how can I concentrate, without the pain?
My brain has never been such as mess as right now. I cannot even read a simple cooking manual on the back of a packet without being distracted by all the things in my head. Even with the cheap reading glasses I got (with a proper measurement or however you call it) I cannot have my eyes focus on long bits of text. So what can I do, if I cannot escape from my brain?
Some people say I worry too much.
Some people tell me it's my own fault I get sick, because I work too much.
Some people say I'm a pessimist.
Hah.
Like I can worry about all that.
I don't miss Rolf, but I do think about him. About when it actually went wrong, and when I actually wasn't content with the living situation anymore. I just hope if he meets another woman, he will make space in his existence for her, and make her feel valued.
As for me, I don't know what I want. I don't think I want anything, but then sometimes in this room (my brother's student room) it gets really quiet. I find myself looking out the window without any inspiration. All there is to see are the white trash kids kicking a ball against my wall, and low-class techno-drunks blasting music in their car so hard my room shakes. That subwoofer could bring down an aeroplane.
So, things with finding new living space are going slow. My new work is great, and they even helped me with some issues concerning real estate. I'm very grateful to them. But I still need a paycheck in the mail, to finish the package for my registration. It sucks, all this waiting. But honestly, even if I do find a place to live, I still have a deadline for my paper and I won't have time to move! How can I arrange all this, and still be realistic? Everything is crazy. I want to support my friends who will come and live with me, and I'll do anything to make sure they can also live here, but I feel so useless and restrained by my university commitments.
I'm tired of it. The studying. Even if it's just the last batch. Yeah yeah, so I would let a bunch of people down. I come all this way, six years of studying, all sort of extra's added to my record. And then I went beyond all your knowledge and learned a whole new way of research two levels up from my education's courses, wrote a 120 page research report, and all I got was shit directed at me.
I had two tutors who didn't look at my written work ONCE in detail. Sure they said 'you can improve it a bit over the course of next week', but that didn't mean anything concrete. Sure they said 'is this your final questionnaire? Well, this and this could be removed'. Well, newsflash to the high and mighty; the questionnaire you edited, striked out half of the questions, and helped me set up, was quite useless. If I'm really nice, I say about 20% could be used. And still, when they finally checked my work and commented 20+ notes on every page, of course, I'm the one who gets shit on. And now my final works. How can I concentrate?
So you do all this, you take the hit of criticism (sure it's nothing personal but your work sucks), work your ass off only to find you have to do more. You're supposed to be at the top, and you hear about all those things you still can't do. Yeah, you feel so inspired, so much energy rushing through your being to do the next project.
Like the caveman said: "when will the hurting stop?"
My life is nothing like I know it. New people are coming, others have disappeared. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I want to be or what I want to be. As luck would have it, I got hired at the single most awesome position in the world. It is 110% my type of work, and the people there are awesome. I learn so many things every new day. I absorb it all. But how can I sort this all in my head? I work with structure, I am VERY organized. So why is my brain all chaos?
I finally got some money from my agreement with Rolf (and the next small bit is due soon), so I was able to buy things I had my eyes on for almost a year. I haven't bought anything for myself for a year. Nothing. But now I did, and now that this is off my mind, there seems only more room for other things to cloud it. Anything except my studies. I'd even prefer playing a new MMO to studying.
Alright, so I don't mind the MMO too much, but that's only because I'm playing it with a friend. Else I wouldn't bother with all the grinding, all the hours that go into it. My RSI is still too much present to allow me to play any games. Even just a regular day at work gives me pain. I try to stretch and everything, but I'm so focused at work that it still sneaks up on me. So how can I concentrate, without the pain?
My brain has never been such as mess as right now. I cannot even read a simple cooking manual on the back of a packet without being distracted by all the things in my head. Even with the cheap reading glasses I got (with a proper measurement or however you call it) I cannot have my eyes focus on long bits of text. So what can I do, if I cannot escape from my brain?
Some people say I worry too much.
Some people tell me it's my own fault I get sick, because I work too much.
Some people say I'm a pessimist.
Hah.
Like I can worry about all that.