(no subject)
That's right, it's time ONCE again for the third and final (?) installment of DOOM RALLY: The Most Fun You Can Have in a Car Without Hitting Shackleton. Our story begins... it began a while ago. It picks up as Justin Guarini, an ambulance, Mini-Me and I were in a four-way tie for first heading into the Alaskan tundra. Woah nelly was it cold up there, so cold in fact that we drew straws and ended up roasting the miniature carcass of Verne Troyer, mostly due to the fact that he was guilty of counting cards. How many times do I have to tell you, there's no counting cards in DOOM RALLY!
We learned a lot of things about ourselves that night. I learned how to love, as a one-armed Canadian immigrant who spoke little English made a man out of me as the sun was setting- all this on the back of a beached humpback whale, which I hear was blown to smithereens later that day. That chick kept calling me "bootsy" and I think tried to bite my ear off. That's when I said:
I apologize for that, but that's one of the first pictures that came up when I googled "not me not now" and I didn't have the heart not to post it.
Justin Guarini may have also learned something that night- something about life. It comes at most of us fast, but for Justin life comes at a rate that gets slower and slower by the minute. Then again, no one else in the 'Rally has the #3 worst movie ever made, so I can't complain. Justin's father came to him in a dream and warned him not to wake up. Justin awoke in a cold sweat, only to realize it wasn't cold sweat at all, but warm urine, as I was peeing on him. Why did I do it you ask? Why does anyone do anything. I guess I just hate the guy.
The ambulance learned most of all though. The ambulance enrolled that night in ITT TECH in a suburb of Anchorage, and earned his degree in computer science, and now his family is very proud of him. He's buying a new house, and he's never felt as confident as he does now.
Out of all of us, Mini-Me probably learned the least that night. He learned the truth. The truth can hurt, it can hurt like when Gary Sheffield punches a fan, but nothing hurts worse than having your body broiled over an open flame at 450 degrees for 30 minutes. Unless of course, you increased the temperature or time or maybe had him be bit by snakes also, which would conceivably only add to the hurting.
Reason #29 you should wait for the next installment of DOOM RALLY- Because I hatehatehate when people will make a series of commercials offering different numbered reasons to do something yet only offer like 2 or 3 when the number inexplicably go up through the hundreds.